How To Have A F*ck Buddy Without Getting An STD, Pregnant Or Murdered

Girls, we are living in the great age of the ~Internet~.

Truth be told, I'm not one of those techy girls with sexy glasses pushed up against my nose, furiously coding and unearthing the great mysteries of said Internet. (However I find those girls to be super HOT, and if I can't be one, can I pretty please date/hook up with one?)

Despite the fact that I write on the Internet for a living, I don't care for modern technology all that much. The whole thing hurts my eyeballs after a few hours.

But, there are three pivotal things that I LOVE the Internet for:

Shopping. Dating. And hooking up.

Come to think of it, those ARE three of my favorite things, so maybe I really do like the Internet more than I'm letting on. (Life epiphanies whilst writing are the best!). Anyhow, today we're going to address my favorite of all three: Hooking up.

In particular, we're going to discuss how to score yourself a real, live f*ck buddy and have a successful one-night stand. Because sometimes a girl just needs a f*ck buddy.

Scoring a f*ck buddy isn't just a game for the boy's club, despite what certain girl-hating f*ckboys would like you to think. It's 2016, baby. Women are openly enjoying sex, and if you have a problem with that, well, we don't really care, do we now ladies?

I mean if you're a sexually charged woman of the world, what the hell are you supposed to do when you find yourself suddenly single? Sometimes that trusty vibrator just doesn't cut it. Sometimes you need to feel the sensuous, luscious lips of another human being pressed up against yours. Sometimes you just need to feel the heavy weight of a gorgeous body crushing your gorgeous body. Sometimes a girl just needs sex from a person, not a machine. 

Everyone needs to stop acting like wanting a f*ck buddy is a cold thing for a girl to covet. It's the sensitive, soulful girls who crave sex with the most profound ferocity.

Lucky for us single creatures, the Internet has made finding a f*ck buddy much easier than it used to be WAY BACK IN ARCHAIC 1996.

Too shy to pick up a guy or girl (Lesbians have f*ck buddies, too.) at a bar? No problem, darling. Get your fine self on Tinder, pick a sexy profile pic, and swipe the hollow night away. It's liberating to put your sex life in your own capable hands.

However, ladies, there is something that has been deeply concerning my deeply caring Jewish heart as of late, and I can't hold it back anymore. I fear for your safety. I'm like a twisted version of the cool, "liberal" mom in high school who would say things like, "I know you're going to drink, but I prefer you do it safely in my home."

Well look, I know you're going to have sex. Except, sadly, you just can't do it in my home. I would totally let you if I had a bigger apartment, but I live in a shoebox. One day, I promise. (I'm working on it.)

So since you can't f*ck in the safety of my apartment, that means you will most likely be going home with your f*ck buddy. Which makes my worrisome, frail heart explode with irrepressible waves of fear. I can't morally encourage you to score f*ck buddies without giving you some SAFETY tips first.

Let's face it: We live in cruel, cold, merciless world. We must FACE the bittersweet music. That cute guy or girl from Tinder might seem like a super innocent cutie, but who really knows? You don't want to innocently skip into his or her apartment without being responsible and prepared. You must always be prepared in life and in sex.

SO here it is: "Zara's Official Tips For Securing A F*CK BUDDY SAFELY."

Keep your dating sites CLASSIC. And by "classic," I mean stick to Tinder.

I know, I know. I'm a prude in this department. I've heard it from several smart, educated women that seeking sex on Craigslist is a thing. I know a handful of chicks who swim in the Craigslist pond and have only had positive experiences.

However, I do NOT recommend it. Unless you're really seasoned and have it all figured it out, stay the hell away from Craigslist.

The truth is there are creeps everywhere. There are creeps on Tinder. There are creeps in real life, on Bumble, on Hinge -- there are even creeps on the freaking League. (Don't let false prestige fool you.)

But after doing some hefty research on your behalf, I have come to find it's a whole other LEVEL of creepy on Craigslist.

Like serial-killer creepy. And the ultimate goal is to have sex, NOT to get murdered, right?

So if you want to lessen the likelihood of dark sh*t going down, stay away from Craigslist.

Make sure you know THE LAST NAME.

OK, so you found yourself a gorgeous entity on Bumble who you totally think would make for a great F*CK BUDDY. Say you've scheduled a little "meet and greet" drink at "booty call hour" (aka anytime after midnight), and you know if he or she looks in person the way he or she does in the ol' profile pic, you're going to go home with him or her.

Find out the last name before you meet in person, girl. Because if you meet up and you're feeling a little boozy and woozy, you're going to be reckless. Last names won't cross your mind. And last names are pivotal to securing your safety.

It's easy to find a last name in the age of the Internet. Most Tinder profiles link up with Instagram accounts, anyway. Or at least tell you what Facebook friends you have in common, which makes it really easy to find a last name.

Or just, you know, freaking ask him or her if need be. It doesn't make you crazy to ask for the last name of someone you're about to meet and possibly have sex with. It makes you crazy not to.

If people are freaked out by that, then f*ck em. I mean, you know, forget about them. Those types of people don't last long with our crazy, outspoken selves anyway.

Now that you know this person's last name, stalk away.

Make sure the pending f*ck buddy is a real person, with real, (semi) normal-looking friends and a solid Facebook account (because you're not a real person if you don't have a Facebook account).

Maybe you will even get a glimpse of what the apartment you're about to have sex in looks like. I mean, no one wants to have sex in a dark, sordid mess. Best to know what you're getting yourself into first.

Also, this will give you a chance to see if he or she has a pesky criminal record, because we don't f*ck people with criminal records (albeit an old "possession of weed" charge or something else totally harmless like that doesn't count).

MEET IN PUBLIC.

Don't ever, ever go to anyone's apartment without meeting him or her in person FIRST. Meet in a public place with loads of people.

I know this should be obvious, but HEY, when I was in school, no one ever told us how to use condoms let alone that we should meet our f*ck buddies in public places before we sleep with them.

I'm just covering the bases, babes.

Trust your GUT.

There is nothing more powerful in the world than female intuition. Trust it. If you get a weird feeling upon first meeting, it's very important that you listen to that feeling. If your girl alarm goes off, run away. Your gut will never point you in the wrong direction.

However, alcohol can screw with your instincts. So ladies, lay off the booze. Sex should be a positive, sobering experience -- not a hazy, regretful, drunken one.

Use a condom.

Again, this should be obvious, but it's come to my attention that some of you think being on birth control is enough. OR think, "Screw it! I'll just take Plan B." Plan B should never be your plan A.

Remember: There is no morning-after-pill for an STD. And no one-night stand is worth your sexual health.

Have 911 stored in your phone.

I KNOW this sounds dramatic, but a girl can never be to prepared. Make sure to have 911 stored in your phone, but under an alias. "Stacey" is always a nice name to have 911 secretly stored.

And that's really it, Kittens. Have an amazing night of relentless, SAFE, mind-blowing sex.

I can feel the orgasmic energy penetrating through the static screen of my laptop already.