I sat back, took a long sip of my basic green tea and watched while my friend spiraled into a dark vortex of shame and fear:
"Oh my god. Zara, I'm going to have sex with him tonight. He just asked me to come over. I'M NOT PREPARED, and I don't have time to go all the way UPTOWN to shave my f*cking legs, WHAT DO I DO? I've been wearing these tights since 6:30 am, I feel disgusting, and I'm about to have sex! What do I do!? He's leaving tomorrow. This is my one chance to have mind-blowing sex with him!"
I caught myself smiling without even realizing. Shame-spiraling can be very amusing when you're not the one doing it.
"Zara, stop SMILING, you smug little bitch. This isn't funny. I'm going to have to back out, and I'm never going get to have sex with him!" She shouted, her arms flailing deep into the high heavens as she knocked back an espresso shot.
"Girl, I don't think drinking espresso like it's a tequila shot is the answer," I mused, still entertained by the unraveling of my usually buttoned-up friend.
She sighed and put her head in her hands, her thick mane of flaxen hair fanning out around the table. "I hate my life," she whispered in a muffled tone.
"Girl, calm down. I have everything you need in MY BAG, and since I'm not getting laid tonight, it's all yours," I said, leaning back into my chair, generosity sweeping through my cold, callous bones.
"Oh my god! What are you talking about!? Tell me everything...EXPLAIN!" She pleaded to me, with desperate, hungry eyes. She looked like a wild animal locked in a cage.
"There are just some very specific things that us highly sexual girl creatures need to keep in our purses at all times. I always make sure I have them safely tucked into my bag every time I leave the house," I told her, seeming way more put-together than I actually am.
"You little SLUT!" my dear friend squealed, throwing her arms around me. "You're my best friend in the whole wide world. Now tell me, what are ~the goods~?"
It occurred to me that I was about to reveal my holy grail. I suddenly became very serious and deeply emotional. For some of us girls, a one-night stand can be a roller coaster of emotions that can derail at any time if we aren't prepared.
"This is the right thing to do," I silently coached myself in sisterly solidarity.
I leaned in close, my hazel gaze cutting into her pale blue soul, as I picked up my shiny leather quilted Chanel purse and unclasped those precious little CCs.
"Are you ready, babes? I'm about to change your life."
1. SweetSpot on-the-go wipes
OK Kittens, this is the absolute, number one most pivotal thing the highly sexual girl creature needs to keep in her purse at all times.
What are SweetSpot on-the-go wipes? Well, not to sound vulgar and crass, but they're vagina wipes. Yes, you heard me. Vagina. Wipes.
"Why do I need that, Zara," you ask, teeming with anger and insecurity. "Are you implying my vagina is dirty?"
No, girl. I think all vaginas are beautiful places. However, I will speak for myself:
No matter how dutifully I've cleansed my girl parts in the morning, after a 12-hour workday spent in thick black tights, one of those trendy knit leotards that hugs the crotch a little too tightly (Leotards are total vag crushers.) and my sexy, black lace underwear, my poor nether regions have hardly had a chance to breathe.
This is when SweetSpot wipes (They come in little individual packets so you don't have to carry a huge f*cking embarrassing box around) come into play. I sneak off into the bathroom and give the ol' girl a quick little wipe, and I'm as fresh as a f*cking wild tulip picked from the Dutch countryside.
2. A fresh pair of thigh-highs
I don't know about you, babies, but I'm a bonafide, no-holds-barred dress-and-skirt girl, even in the most harrowing of weather conditions. So tights, stockings, panty-f*cking-hose, whatever the hell you want to call them, are part of my daily routine. I mean, how else can you protect your precious legs from getting dangerously frostbitten in such dire wintery conditions?
Herein lies the trouble with TIGHTS; they smell after a few hours, especially when paired with leather boots, which are just a necessary evil in these horrendous months. Nothing ruins the mood more than peeling your sexy stockings off your gorgeous, buttery legs, only for an awful smell to permeate the room.
This is why you need to carry a pair of, not tights, but THIGH-HIGHS, in your purse. Change into the thigh-highs a few hours before it's playtime. This gives your girl parts a little time to breathe and makes for an added sexy surprise.
Thigh-highs are hot as f*ck. I would say wear them instead of tights, but it's too cold. You don't want your vagina to freeze. A frozen vagina isn't fun for anyone.
3. A pocket rocket vibrator
I don't care what the brand is, but you need to have a little pocket rocket clit stimulator in your bag at all TIMES. For two reasons:
First, when you're having sex, it's a nice added extra spice that will ensure you have an earth-shattering orgasm.
Second, if you find yourself sexually frustrated at any point during the day, you can get your rocks off in the bathroom, which is empowering. It reminds you that you don't need anyone else to be a sexually satisfied, highly sexual woman of the world, babe.
4. Contact lens case (if you wear contacts)
Girls, ladies, boys, men and everyone in between: If you wear contacts and have a high sex drive, you need to bring your contacts case, with solution inside of it, everywhere you go. Think of it as just another one of your essentials: credit cards, ID, condoms, contacts.
There is nothing sexy about falling asleep next to your sexy, gorgeous lover with your contacts in. You will wake up a hot mess with bright red, puffy, sore eyeballs.
It's a cockblock to morning sex.
5. Porn star glasses (even if you don't wear contacts)
So you take your contacts out after sex -- say you want to engage in some lovely post-sex cuddling with the telly on in the background; well, darling, you won't be able to see whatever is on TV without contacts.
BRING YOUR GLASSES. But really, girls, invest in some sexy, cat-eye, porn star, chic librarian glasses. You will have that whole nerd-gone-naughty look about you that will totally drive your partner f*cking wild.
And that's the point isn't it?
Hell, even if you don't need them, get them. They're great for role-play. Just saying, babe.
6. Perfume samples
I used to tote around a full-sized bottle of fragrance with me everywhere I went.
Why? Because the best sex comes from providing your partner with an amplified ~sensory experience~. However, it's a waste of goddamn space to have a heavy bottle of Chanel Mademoiselle holding court in your little quilted purse. It puts unnecessary stress on the bag.
Get a little sample from Sephora. Be that assh*le.
"I'm probably going to buy this. I just want to see how it wears on my skin," you'll say. They will hate you, but they are obligated to give it to you.
7. CONDOMS, ASSH*LE
Look, I'm a lez, and how we use protection is a whole other article -- but carry a condom.
I agree it's totally the dude's responsibility, but dudes are such irresponsible f*ckboys these days; you can't rely on them for anything. And you don't want to accidentally slip up and EVER HAVE SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM.
There is no morning-after-pill for STDS, Kittens.
8. Silver to-go handcuffs
You might not use them; you might use them. That's your prerogative babe. But I promise you'll feel secretly sexy and gloriously naughty by just having them.
9. Travel-sized tweezers
I don't know about you, but don't you always look in a magnifying mirror and see one large, inexplicable hair protruding from the middle of your face? It's like it just goddamn appears overnight with no warning.
When you see it, you obsess over it. Can't stop fixating on it. You're certain your partner isn't looking at you but at that vile f*cking HAIR springing from your face.
TWEEZERS. ALWAYS HAVE TWEEZERS. If you catch your reflection in a harsh light, you WILL find a hair. This is why we always have TWEEZERS.
Sometimes the before-sex, expensive, little dinner you went to can turn on you.
There is nothing sexy about gas. Nothing.
11. Never bring makeup, and NEVER BRING A BRUSH
It reeks of desperation. Plus the whole after-sex, wild hair and the smudged, black eyes are part of the whole appeal, baby.
"Wow, Zara, is that why you never wear a tiny clutch? Is that why you're always carrying that massive tote with you everywhere?" my friend asked with eyes as big as saucers.
"No one said being a highly sexual woman doesn't come with a price," I answered, pushing my massive, quilted Chanel bag in her face. "Now take everything, and have the best sex of your life. Before I change my mind."