Remember the proverbial "awkward phase" everyone had? You know, the one everyone associates with middle school, braces and side bangs?
Well, my awkward phase started when I was conceived, and if my current interactions with the general population are any indication, it's still going strong.
Add in the fact that my initial reaction to talking to cute guys and girls is to run away, change my name and move to Guam, and my love life is... bleak.
If you're an anxiety-ridden awk-o taco like I am, you know talking to ANYONE is a goddamn feat, much less talking to really attractive people at bars.
So here are the 60 thoughts (exactly 60 — no more, no less) that go through your head when you're just a painfully awkward turtle trying to talk to a girl at a bar:
1. Wow, there is an absurd number of people in this bar.
2. Why am I here?
3. My bed would be better. Literally anything would be better.
4. Ugh, I'm too sober for this. NEED. BEVERAGE. NOW.
5. Well, I'll just wait here behind four people until I can catch the bartender's eye, instead of pushing my way up to the front and, you know, putting any attention on myself whatsoever. Nope, don't want that.
6. Oh, shit, why did I look to the left? There's a cute girl there.
7. WOW, OK, THAT GIRL IS, LIKE, SO CUTE.
8. Oh my God, her eyes. And her face. I want her face to do the saliva-exchange thing with mine.
9. She's, like, cute-cute... which means she's too cute for me. And what if she doesn't even like girls?
10. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Here comes the self-pity spiral.
11. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. YOU'RE FINE.
12. Yes, self, you're right. I am a total catch who's definitely not awkward and weird and incapable of attracting women.
13. Oh, man. A spot at the bar just opened up next to her. Now's my chance. Time to move in.
14. I didn't trip on the way over, so this is fine.
15. OK, you've got this. Lean on the bar for a few seconds. Then, look over and smile. Boom, boom, boom. Lean, look, smile.
16. Wait, do I look stupid leaning like this? How do normal people lean? Is there leaning protocol?
17. Damn it, the bartender's coming over. HOLD UP, BUDDY, I HAVEN'T LOOKED AND SMILED YET.
18. Ugh, OK. I'll order my drink, and THEN, I'll look and smile.
19. I have to look cool. What's a cool drink people order? Scotch? No, that'll make me look like a middle-aged woman going through a divorce.
20. I'll just go with whiskey.
21. Ew, but I hate whiskey.
22. GAH, he's asking what I want. OK, just say the coolest thing you can think of.
23. "Hi, could I please have a cranberry vodka?"
25. GOD DAMNIT. THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO?!
26. Now, this girl probably thinks I got in with a fake ID.
27. Whatever, self. Just own it. Own your basic, "I don't know what I'm doing with alcohol, I'm just happy I got into the club" drink.
28. OK, where was I? RIGHT, looking and smiling. I got this. One, two, three, NOW.
29. Wait, I have to redo that. She wasn't looking. Does she not see me? I'M INVISIBLE, AND I'M WET (literally — she's so cute).
30. Just try again. Ready? One, two, three.
31. Nailed it.
32. WAIT, I FORGOT TO SMILE. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
33. God, OK, let's try this one more time. Is it creepy to do it again? Whatever, I'm gonna die alone at this point. I have nothing to lose.
34. Actually nailed it this time.
35. That's really weird that she's not automatically making out with me right now. Hm.
36. Was my smile weird? I probably have a dumb smile. How do I normally smile?
37. OH, SHIT. She just told me, "Hey." What do I do? HOW DO NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE CONVERSATIONS?
38. I'll say, "Hey," back. That's how that works, right?
39. Honestly, I'm so good at this. I should talk to more cute people.
40. LOL, no, I shouldn't.
41. OK, now, we're just doing that awkward nodding thing. I have to say something else. Maybe I could ask to buy her a drink. That's not weird, right?
42. Or maybe I should ask her name...
43. Wow, I'm actually a moron.
44. OK, start with her name. And then, move on to a drink.
45. Oh... oh, OH. Her name is ~Rose~. That's too cool for me. She's too cool for me.
46. Now, she's asking my name. Should I think of a cooler name? What's a cool name? Velveeta? No, that's CHEESE, YOU IDIOT.
47. OMG, she said my actual name was pretty. That's it — we're getting married.
48. OK, but first, ask her what she wants to drink.
49. A whiskey ginger? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Ugh, how is she so cool?
50. Well, this worked out so much better than I thought it would. I can't believe I'm marrying Rose. I wonder if she wants a fall or a spring wedding?
51. Oh. Wait. This silence is getting awkward now.
52. I have to say more things. What do I say? Should I ask about our pending wedding?
53. Hahaha, this is why I'm alone.
54. OK, you're taking too long. Just say something. (~She's giving up on you.~)
55. I'm so funny. Someone date me.
56. NO, she just saw her friends across the bar. She's about to leave. You've only got one shot. DO IT NOW.
57. "Hey, Rose... you have nice elbows."
60. WHAT THE FUCK?
A word to the wise: Avoid elbow compliments at all costs. And Godspeed, my awkward friends.