Struggles Of Being Bisexual That No One Prepares You For
This whole being bisexual thing is legitimately the closest comparison I've found to actually being on a roller coaster.
Before you know it, you're strapped down to the sexuality equivalent of the Kingda Ka, and you're not sure if you're yelling, "AHHHHHH," because it's exhilarating and fun or if you're about to see what hydrochloric acid mixed with a hot dog looks like.
Let me tell you: If you thought being bisexual was easy-peezy-lemon-squeezy, you thought more wrong than whoever thought the earth was flat.
Because sometimes, being bisexual is just plain HARD-AF-peezy-lemon-squeezy.
I'm not saying I'd have done anything differently if someone let me pick a sexuality in the womb. I'm just saying, if someone had told me about these seven struggles, I might have a better idea of what my bisexual self is doing (just kidding, I wouldn't):
1. You have double the people who don't text you back.
Honestly, if you thought it was bad that none of the three people you had been ~talking~ to texted you back, multiply that by two, and get back to me with how you feel.
OK, so the math won't always work out like that, but I'm bisexual, not a mathematician.
Basically, when you're attracted to multiple genders, your dating pool grows a bit, so you obviously open yourself up to more options.
But I'd be lying if I said we didn't live in a godforsaken world — a world that leaves me with even more people who refuse to text me back, even though my mom says I'm a total catch.
2. You have double the celebrities to lust after.
Are you telling me I have to juggle my lust for both Hugh Laurie AND Kate McKinnon? WHO HAS THE TIME?
Just take a second to think about how much time you've spent in your whole life dreaming about, looking at pictures of and imagining totally plausible marriage scenarios with your favorite celebrities.
Now, double that amount of time, and you have the enormous chunk of my life I'll never get back.
3. You have double the celebrities who don't know you exist.
It's a sad, sad day when you're sitting in your room, scrolling through page 37 of your Google Image search for your favorite celebrity, only to come to the bitter realization that they are your world, and you are but a mere blip on their own personal space-time continuum.
If you thought being a blip for one gender of famous people was bad enough, try being a blip for two.
THEN, try spending double the amount of time sobbing off all your makeup because "MORE PEOPLE THAN I THOUGHT WOULDN'T LOVE ME WILL NEVER LOVE ME."
(I'm looking at you, Kate McKinnon. Please love me.)
4. People think you're down for threesomes literally always.
I'm still trying to figure out how the phrase "I'm bisexual, which means I'm attracted to two genders" translates to "I am definitely down for any and all threesomes ever; in fact, let's have one right now."
I'll venture to say a pretty striking number of us bisexuals are, like, not down to do the dirty with you and your partner whom I've never met before and is probably weird and smelly.
This isn't to say no bisexual is ever down for a threesome, but maybe don't just assume I'm automatically into you and/or your weird husband.
5. You hear, "Yeah, I've experimented in the past, too," an obnoxious amount of times.
My response to this is usually something along the lines of "Oh! Sorry, the subject change here threw me for a bit of a loop, but that's cool. What experiments have you done? Do you know the one with vinegar and baking soda? That gets me every time."
Bisexuality isn't an experimentation "phase" you go through, like when you lock yourself in your room for eight hours listening to Blink 182 and My Chemical Romance.
Bisexuality isn't an experimentation 'phase' you go through.
No, my lust and attraction to this obscene amount of people who will never love me back runs as deep as my literal DNA, so much so that I feel comfortable identifying as something people don't even think exists, so...
If this is all just experimentation, then every bisexual is the best damn scientist in the world.
6. You suddenly lose all your bisexual powers if you end up in a heterosexual relationship.
The amount of sarcasm that's still leaking out of that statement could probably drown a small, riverfront village.
Hold on to your heart because it'll probably fall out of your ass when I tell you this: Bisexuals are *GASP* still bisexual if they're in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender.
Just like all of you creatures out there can appreciate someone OTHER than your partner's attractiveness, I can also date someone of the opposite gender and still want to bang Kate McKinnon like my life depends on it.
7. There's a sizable chunk of the population who doesn't think you exist.
You know that scene in "Princess Diaries" when Mia just lies down in her car as it storms and says, "I'm invisible, and I'm wet." Welcome to bisexuality, friends.
I'm kidding. We bisexuals know we're not invisible, but I'll be real for a second: It's a struggle when we're just trying to chill on a bench, and someone accidentally sits on us, and then, we have to go to our friends and say, "Somebody sat on me again."
No, I'm not saying Princess Mia is bisexual (but she could be, SHE COULD BE). METAPHORS, PEOPLE.
All I'm saying is, it's a bit frustrating to hear people say they don't think bisexuals exist, when I am very much out here trying to exist. I may not be the best at it, but I'm doing it. So clearly, that deserves a participation trophy that no one's given me yet.
Needless to say, the bisexuality struggle is real... JUST LIKE BISEXUALS.