Guille Faingold

61 Thoughts Queer Girls Have When Mediocre Guys Flirt With Them On Tinder

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I'll admit it: I feel bad for the straight girl I used to pretend to be. When I still identified as straight, I didn't know that some cishet men are absolutely ridiculous and frankly, pretty bad at flirting. And pretty much all the thoughts queer girls have while swiping through Tinder can basically be summarized as follows: "Literally every queer girl is better than a cishet dude."

I mean, if cishet men paid attention, they would know that all they have to do to flirt with a queer girl is send her a couple of cute flower and moon emojis to get her attention. Instead, their uninspired one-liners and blatant sexual come-ons all fade into one another in my Tinder inbox. That's totally fine, because it leaves me more time to hang out with the queer femmes who bring my heart back to life.

I still go on Tinder for my own amusement, though. If you're a queer girl, you know what I mean. And I imagine just about every queer girl is thinking what I'm thinking, too:

1. Oh my God, did this straight man literally put "eats pussy like a lesbian" in his bio?

2. Dang, I really should read what they have to say before I swipe right. That is so offensive.

3. I mean, I am attracted to dudes, but now, his pictures don't even make him look cute.

4. I mean, why do you think that you can do what queer girls do? AND WHY DO YOU THINK THAT "LESBIANS" ARE ALL THE SAME IN BED?!

5. That's it. I am messaging this guy. I'm so sick of queerness being seen as an accessory for the straights.

6. I guess I shouldn't presume he is straight though — or even a man. I'll give him a chance.

7. "Hey, read your bio and I have a question. Do you identify as queer like me?"

8. Oh, wow, he messaged back right away. Looks like someone's cruising hard.

9. Wow, he literally just asked me whether "being interesting counts" as queer.

10. LOL, is this guy for real? He freaking thinks being queer is just about being interesting. OMFG.

11. "No, you are definitely not queer. Why do you feel entitled to compare yourself to a queer woman if you are not one?"

12. Wow, he just said it sounds like I don't believe he's good at giving head and that I should come find out. Does he really think that I want him?

13. Does he really feel that entitled to me?

14. Sometimes, it feels like I need to be wearing safety glasses and rubber gloves just to swipe through Tinder.

15. Look, dude, I am definitely not coming over. Check out how fast I can find that button to *Unmatch.*

16. Ew. Maybe I need to take a shower or something to wash that dude's toxins off me.

17. Hm, what's this? Another guy messaged me. Let's see what Brad has to say.

18. "Need anything from Whole Foods?"

19. ...

20. ...

21. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU LOOK ORIGINAL WHEN YOU QUOTE MASTER OF NONE?

22. I mean, I love Aziz Ansari. I just hate that he made every Brad out there think they are clever and original and fun.

23. I guess it could be way worse, though. I mean, Aziz Ansari is cute and funny and respects women.

24. Plus, I do like the show.

25. And this dude's bio literally reads, "Prepare for the Aziz Ansari come-ons."

26. Dang, I really need to read the bios.

27. I guess I should have considered myself warned. What the heck, I'll write him back.

28. "LOL, I also love Master of None."

29. There. Now, I'm not being a jerk.

30. It's probably unfair of me to categorize straight men as all being awful.

31. I mean, I've dated straight men. I'm friends with straight men. I know not all of them are bad.

32. I wonder if my straight male friends are also this bad on Tinder.

33. I should ask to see their profiles, probably. And check out the messages they are sending.

34. Maybe they just need a little help connecting to women. I could rent out my services as the "queer femme consultant."

35. OK, he messaged me back.

36. He... sent a peach emoji.

37. We weren't talking about butts though, my dude?

38. Wow, then he sent a GIF of somebody biting into a peach and spraying juice everywhere.

39. Is... that what this dude wants to do to my butt?

40. Like, I know he is flirting right now, but I feel vaguely threatened.

41. Sigh. I wonder what Lori is up to.

42. She's so cute.

43. I should text her and see if she wants to go get ice cream with me.

44. "Hey girl, what are you doing? Can I get you some bread and roses-flavored ice cream?"

45. *Adds all the cute ice cream and flower emojis and pushes send without hesitation.*

46. Oh, right. This guy again. Um. What should I say?

47. I wonder if I can get him to give me money.

48. "LOL, want to buy me and my friend ice cream?"

49. OMFG, he wants to know if my friend is cute.

50. Are you kidding me, dude? All queer girls are basically goddesses.

51. Like, you would be lucky to get a chance to even turn your male gaze on us.

52. "Duh, she's cute."

53. Actually, never mind. I don't need this dude's money. I just got paid last week.

54. Ooooh, Lori's texting back. I love girls because they never leave me hanging.

55. She's totally down for ice cream. High five, self. You scored a date with adorable Lori!

56. I hope she knows it's a date.

57. I'll tell her just in case.

58. "This is a date."

59. Yessss, she sent me a blushing-and-smiling emoji. Lori liiikes me.

60. Lori equals great. This dude equals boring. We don't need him. Let's see, where's that favorite button of mine again? 3, 2, 1...

61. *Unmatch.*

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