My inbox is always filled with frantic messages from lesbians of all ages, constantly asking something along the lines of "I like this girl, but how can I tell if she's a lesbian?!"
If she IS a lesbian, I can instantly tell. We usually get queer girl vibes, don't we, girl?
But the real question is, how can you tell if she's NOT a lesbian? Don't fret, my confused little lez. You're in the right place.
I'm a pretty talentless, 30-year-old lesbian, who struggles with many things in life. I'm overwhelmed by menial tasks, like responding to text messages and listening to voicemails. I still screw up "than" and "then" (much to the dismay of my editor).
But you know what I'm amazing at? Being able to tell if a woman is not a l-e-s-b-i-a-n. A lesbienne, as they say in french.
I can energetically feel if you're going through an experimental phase, if you're just switching teams temporarily due to trauma, if you're trying to piss off your conservative parents or if you're the ~real deal~, babes.
I know this sounds smug, but it's truly one of the only things I'm good at. Let a girl have her moment to shine.
And trust me, I'm not a bitch who saunters around the dyke bar yelling at faux lesbians, "You're not a REAL lesbian! Get the fuck out of here!" I don't like that style.
When I come across a "lesbian" (I'm doing proverbial air quotes) and get the vibe that she's straight, I sweetly smile to myself and hope she proves me (and whatever poor dyke's heart she's toying with) wrong.
But I have yet to be wrong.
Trust me, it has nothing to do with the way the girl dresses. I dress pretty straight-bitch myself, and I'm as dykey as it gets.
It's got nothing to do with her career, if she wears her keys clipped on her belt loop or if she can throw a softball. I flunked gym class, and I wear a giant quilted Chanel purse in lieu of house keys. That shit means nothing.
I used to say lezdar was a talent that can't be taught. You can't teach someone to be a good singer, and you can't teach a person to have good lezdar.
But you can teach a person to read music, right? So I realized I can teach the rest of you regular people a few warning signs that she's not a lesbian:
1. She doesn't like to give oral sex.
Look, the first sign she's not a lesbian is if she doesn't like to venture downtown.
It's one thing to kiss her pillowy lips. It's one thing to touch her full, lesbian breasts. (Who doesn't like to touch a breast?) It's also one thing to be a pillow princess and lie down with closed eyes as you blissfully let a lesbian go down on you.
But if you can't stomach going down on her, you're not a lesbian. Oral sex with a woman is so intensely intimate, you can't fake liking that sort of thing.
If you can't stomach going down on her, you're not a lesbian.
In fact, most straight girls I've spoken with say, "I would totally be a lesbian, but EW, I can't imagine going down on a girl," to which I smile and say, "That's my favorite part."
Lesbians (and queer girls in general) love the vagina! We like the way it tastes, the way it looks, and we really can't get enough.
To say you're a lesbian but you don't to perform oral is like saying you're heterosexual and hate the dick. If you can dismiss a core part of lesbian sexuality, chances are, you're not a lez.
2. She's uninterested in sex with her girlfriend.
I get it. There are a gazillion reasons why we don't want to have sex with our partners. Sometimes, we're just no longer attracted to the person we're dating.
Sometimes, we're in a weird place in our lives, where we've lost our sexuality in the midst of life's tribulations. Sometimes, we're on really high doses of antidepressants and have traded in our libidos for that extra kick of serotonin.
However, if I meet a lesbian, and she's never been interested in sex with her female partner, it's usually a little suspect.
I once had a dear friend whose girlfriend I could immediately tell wasn't a lesbian. She didn't have a trace of queer girl energy, but I'm not a dickhead, so I wasn't about to tell my friend, "Hey your girl doesn't have ~queer~ energy."
Plus, I hoped I was wrong.
But when she told me her girlfriend never liked to have sex with her, I knew I wasn't wrong, baby. The girl just wanted to reap the lesbian chivalry perks, without having to have sex with her.
She wanted the door opened for her. She wanted to have slumber parties with a cool girl who also paid for her dinners. She was lonely, and lesbians make amazing, loyal, caring companions.
You can love the company of a lesbian, but if you don't want to devour her gorgeous, lesbian body, she's probably just a friend. To me, life is too short for a sexless existence.
3. She glorifies lesbian relationships.
"Oh my God, it's SO MUCH easier with women!" said no lesbian ever.
'Oh my God, it's SO MUCH easier with women!" said no lesbian ever.
Even if you're with the most even-keeled woman in the world, love is never going to be anything but terrifying. Flirting with someone you're attracted to will make the coolest girl a shrinking violet.
In fact, I knew I was gay because men didn't scare me. They were easy to figure out, and I didn't care if a guy broke my heart.
But when I started dating women, something opened up inside of me, and suddenly, I was scared all of the time.
I was emotionally vulnerable to them. I was invested. My feelings could easily get hurt.
So if you're glorifying lesbian relationships and think being gay is easy, you're not a lesbian. Sexual attraction and feeling intense feelings are NOT always simple.
4. She messes with the heart of her lesbian best friend.
I've witnessed this crime scene with my jaded eyes too many times: A lesbian has lifelong crush on her straight best friend, and the straight best friend enjoys the special attention from her lesbian best friend.
The straight best friend toys with the lesbian's heart by saying, "Maybe there's a chance one day," because she enjoys the perks of her bestie's crush. You know... her lesbian bestie pays for her beer all the time — stuff like that.
The lesbian holds on to the hope that her best friend will come around. "She says maybe one day in the future, but now isn't the time," the lesbian will say to me, looking into the distance hopefully.
The lesbian proceeds to destroy the best years of her dating life holding out for someone who isn't even gay.
If she really did have feelings for you, there would be no such thing as "one day." You don't magically wake up as a dyke one day and say, "Today feels like a great day to eat pussy!"
Nope. You're born a dyke.
5. She says she likes girls, but she can never see herself with one long-term.
Being a lez is so much more than just hooking up and drunkenly rolling around in bed with another girl creature.
It's the full spectrum, girls. You need the sexual feels, the emotional feels and the intellectual feels, too.
Being a lez is more than just hooking up and drunkenly rolling around in bed with a girl.
If you say you enjoy having sex with women, but you can't imagine a long-term relationship with one, you're not a lesbian. You just like the occasional romp with a lady, which is totally fine!
Just be sure to say that to the lesbian you're romping with. That way, she doesn't fall in love with you and have her heart smashed into a million pieces, which I will undoubtedly have to clean up.
Your girl over here is getting tired, you know?