I've always wished I were a guy. Guys are practically guaranteed orgasms on the regular. They get to flail their members around like they're Skip-Its.
In my experience, guys are also more likely to be OK with casual sex. If you know me, you know that I'm a demisexual. In other words, I don't let a guy get into me unless I am emotionally into him first. But right now, and for the past few months, I have been abstaining from relationships, which also means that once again I am stuck abstaining from sex.
Considering that I am an EXTREMELY sexual person, being in a dry spell truly sucks for me. To me, sex is like riding a roller coaster that also lets you hold sparklers and eat pizza all at the same time. It's amazing. Or, at least, it is when I'm with the right partner.
But these past few months have been ridiculously hard. Going cold turkey blows. Just writing this article makes me want to host a funeral for my vajayjay. It's freaking sad. But one day I know I'll be able to get down and dirty once again.
Until then, I leave you with all the painfully inappropriate thoughts I've had while going through a sexual dry spell.
1. Cobwebs. Cobwebs all up in my cooch right now.
2. Why couldn't I have been born an animal? They can have sex IN PUBLIC without getting arrested. #Goals. AND they can get it in whenever with no strings attached.
3. Except for penguins.
4. Penguins don't f*ck around. They obviously read my f*ckboy article.
5. I'm such a penguin. Why can't I be a bunny instead?
6. Maybe a shower will help me forget that I want the D.
7. No ... not helping. This is the most depressing shower I ever had.
8. The shower head can't hit it from the back like a guy can.
9. "Cold showers help," people said. LIES!
10. Ugh. Sex gods, please have mercy on me. I'm a good person, I swear!
11. Oh, I got a text!
12. Damn, it's from a f*ckboy. Bye, f*ckboy!
13. GRRRRRRRR. He was nice yesterday, but then he evolved from gentleman to f*ckmeleon.
14. This f*ckboy is probably going to continue his f*ckery and get some from someone else.
15. What am I going to get? Oh right, pizza bagels. They should be done by now, anyways.
16. Mmm, pizza bagels.
17. Pizza ba---e.
18. Pizza-delivery bae.
19. Mmm ... with extra sausage. F*CK!
20. I am horrible at life.
21. Seriously, though, why do I need sex so goddamn much?
22. Oh, right, because I see it freaking everywhere. DAMN THE MEDIA. DAMN ELITE DAILY. DAMN MY LIFE.
23. I'm so alone.
25. I just need some sexual healingggggggggggggg.
26. At least the vibrations on the train help give a dog a bone.
27. The. Struggle. Is. F*CKING. Real.
28. And that dumb b*tch Becky at work is NOT helping! Always gloating about her perfect sex life."Oooh, I had a nipple orgasm yesterday." F*ck you.
29. All day, erry day, I hear the b*tch.
30. I want to be Becky.
31. Actually, no, I want to KILL Becky every time she opens that mouth of hers!
32. Ugh, well, screw her and her porn-star boyfriend.
33. I want a porn-star boyfriend...
34. I feel like I'm the sexless innkeeper from HIMYM.
35. Le sigh.
36. I AM the sexless innkeeper.
37. Oh my God, I just remembered my dream about boning my ex. And then another one I had about boning an old guy.
38. I must really need to get laid. That was scary as hell.
39. It's official. I've become Spongebob in the "I don't need it" scene.
40. At least my vagina could probably snap someone's neck if it wanted to now. Oooh, IT COULD SNAP MY EX'S NECK!
41. I should write an article about all the necks my vagina could snap.
42. Yeah, that'll get me followers...
43. I wonder if I could use it like a pair of scissors, too. Or to hole-punch things.
44. I wish someone would punch my hole.
45. Welp. This is just sad. I have the bluest balls in all the land, and I'm a woman.
46. I'm a woman forever stuck walking through a sexless desert. Can you see me?
47. I'm so thirsty.
49. But when I do have sex again, it will be epic.
50. No, it will be APOCALYPTIC.
51. There will be hurricanes and earthquakes. Godzilla will hold someone hostage.
52. And everyone will know I did the deed again, obviously.
53. It'll be written all over my face.
54. It better be, DAMN. I need to be plowed like a farm.
55. And that son of a b*tch who does it with me will be the luckiest man ever.
56. He'll even name my vagina Niagara Falls.
57. And all of our friends will be so proud.
58. Until then, back to the showers.