Death To The F*ckboy: 40 F*ck-Yous To All The F*ckboys

by Jessica Wendroff

Somehow, assh*les have popped up everywhere.

The year 2015 has been the dawn of the f*ckboy. He's gone around the world faster than leaked pictures of Justin Bieber's ass.

In case you don't know, a f*ckboy is a guy with the body of a man and the mind of a perverted teenager. He has no heart -- just a penis that he uses to paint the town.

F*ckboys have been around since the beginning of time. Moses must have run out of space when writing the commandments, because "Thou shalt not be a f*ckboy" was definitely the eleventh.

Fast-forward to the modern age — the dating apocalypse, if you will -- where we've even developed apps to help these sexually-motivated cavemen score.

The Javan rhinoceroses need to step aside, because true gentlemen have just climbed the list of endangered species. And we all need to stop them from becoming totally extinct.

We all know that some people are plain rude, and it's not up to women to change that. But what women can change is how they respond to those rude and immature morons.

Ladies, I urge you to stop responding to late-night “show me your tits” texts and dick pics. Respect yourselves enough to ignore unacceptable behavior. You are not a blow-up doll, so stop letting men treat you like you are.

Choose to be a queen, and stop entertaining peasants. Have zero tolerance for those who give zero f*cks about you.

Let's end the trend together and start demanding the decency and respect we deserve. And to f*ckboys: Here is a giant list of 40 f*ck-yous.

1. Developed genitals plus facial hair do not equal a man.

2. Your pencil dick is not going to make a cute screensaver for our phones. It will, however, make for a fun screenshot to send to all of our friends.

3. Whether you realize it or not, you have a reputation. Women may play dumb, but in reality, we know the exact coordinates of where your dick has been.

4. A body should be a bonus -- not the entire package.

5. Approach women during the day, not just at night. Cinderella knew the deal: Don't talk to boys after midnight. The bitch ran for the hills when the clock struck 12 because she knew that was f*ckboy o'clock.

6. Women are people. Period. (The "they're mothers and sisters" argument is silly, by the way, since it defines women's worth in terms of their relationship to men.)

7. You judge women based on tits and ass? Well, you should thank your lucky stars that we can't see how small your penis is through your pants.

8. Karma sees all -- including your STD results.

9. You think your pickup lines are fire, but they're actually just lame as hell. Did you really hear what you just said?

10. You're not slick. We know what you are.

11. Sleeping with a host of women is not something to fist-bump about. In fact, it probably means you suck in bed. If you were good, someone would have held you down by now.

12. When a woman confesses her emotions, don't respond with emoji.

13. Swiping right is not a romantic gesture.

14. We wonder if you'll ever grow up, but we also know that a f*ckboy is sort of like Pinocchio; he'll never be a real boy. And instead of a cricket, he comes with crabs.

15. Stop putting down an entire gender because you're horny.

16. You spit game when you're drunk only to deliver whiskey dick.

17. We laugh at how you can look like Jabba the Hutt but expect a woman to look like Princess Leia.

18. You front with Magnum condoms like you're about to wrap a whopper, but you pull out a chicken nugget instead.

19. What goes up must come down. Sooner or later, everyone will be taken, and you will be left alone with lotion and a bottle of Viagra.

20. We dare you to say "Netflix and chill" one more time.

21. We prefer "Hulu and hang yourself" (But don't actually). Death to the f*ckboy.

22.Women deserve a fee for every drunk dial. Don't interrupt our beauty sleep for your lame attempt at booty.

23. We hope you feel good about being sex vultures. You prey on the weak. You swoop in on the sad, drunk and heartbroken girls at the party. You get head from people who are losing their minds. Congratulations.

24. You may never see a girl again after you got what you wanted from her, but know that she is probably hurting while you're high-fiving.

25. You can't feed vaginas to your ego forever.

26. You will never apologize for being a little bitch and mistreating people, because you know as much about morals as you do about commitment: not a damn thing.

27. Do you realize you're not too far from being the guys at gas stations who whistle at girls all day?

28. If you want to remain a boy, that's your choice. But do everyone a favor and stay away from women.

29. A real man needs only one woman in his life other than his mother. (This applies only to straight men.)

30. We all know your role model was Johnny Bravo when you were a kid.

31. Even the Scooby Doo gang can't figure out how being an assh*le became cool.

32. F*ckboy, you really are just that: a boy. You're immature, childish and pretty f*cking predictable.

33. You give up real, fun and beautiful women for a thousand uninteresting trolls.

34. A woman deserves a man who will look at her as a piece of art, not just a man willing to play with body paint.

35. Women deserve "good morning" texts, not 2-am Snapchats.

36. Your temper tantrums when you don't get what you want are so hot... said no woman ever.

37. We don't know how our eyes haven't gotten stuck to the back of our heads from rolling our eyes so much.

38. Statistics say that "syphilis" is your middle name.

39. A part of us feels sorry for you... but only for five seconds, because you already slipped out the next stupid comment.

40. Just stay the f*ck away, f*ckboy.