I'm Demisexual: You Have To Seduce My Heart Before You Get To My Body

by Jessica Wendroff

I’m the pickiest gatekeeper when it comes to the people I let into my inner circle.

Not to toot my own horn, but -- according to others -- my green eyes, dirty blonde/mermaid hair and deep curves make me "attractive." Despite my features, though, I have a tendency to date people who are what you might call "genetically jaded."

In other words, my friends have ALWAYS told me I "could do better" whenever they see a picture of the guy I'm dating. Every. Single. One. They called me "Beauty" and the boy "Beast."

“Are you blind?! Just think of how your poor children will look!” girlfriends would shriek as they held his Insta in their hands, and I’d giggle and cover my face with my hands in shame.

But I would still always decide to give the guy a chance, even if I wasn’t physically attracted to him. And, to be honest, out of all the guys I’ve EVER had ANY type of relationship with, I was never initially attracted to their looks.

When it comes to my choice in men, their souls always override their physical appearance -- the thing that people usually prioritize. Somehow my eyes have developed superhero X-ray vision that the rest of the world seems to lack.

And in almost 24 years, I’ve kissed fewer people than I have fingers, been in relationships with only three men, and only been on ONE date that didn't lead to another. And I’ve finally figured out why I can date people I don't initially find that physically attractive.

I am a demisexual.

Since I am demisexual, I do “not experience sexual attraction unless [I] form a strong emotional connection with someone.”

The first time I read this, it made perfect sense. All of my boyfriends had originally been my friends.

Demisexuals don't let just anyone into their lives or their bodies. The way to a demisexual's body is through the mind. Here’s why:

Demisexuals put the “friend” in boyfriend or girlfriend.

All of the moments and memories you have make up who you are. Demisexuals have to get to know those pieces before we decide whether or not we want to play with them.

We like to know as much about our partners as possible, and we do that by being close -- or even best friends with -- a potential partner. In the beginning, it's all about friendship and chemistry.

We spend a lot of time talking. We go on late-night drives, eat Chipotle, and FaceTime until we have to trudge to work with eggplants under our eyes. We do all these things in the name of love.

It's our duty to know how you broke your arm when you were 10 or why your favorite song is Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry." We need to know what motivates you in the morning before we can even think about waking you up with oral.

Demisexuals need to spend time with you before they can be wined and dined by you.

Since the emotional bond established in friendship is a prerequisite to being in a relationship with us, demisexuals are terrified of the thought of online dating and random hookups.

Tinder represents dating as a gateway to sex. This frightens us. We need to be able to take comfort in knowing that people acknowledge the constellations of our past before seeing the birthmarks on our skin.

We're probably more sensitive than most, so it's scary to even think of spending time with people who haven't already proven themselves worthy of our attention.

Demisexuals don’t have sex; they make love.

Demisexuals want to be intimate with our partners in every sense of the word.

To us, sex isn't just about hitting a G-spot or getting a fix; it's about revealing the most vulnerable parts of our bodies to someone who already knows the most vulnerable parts of our lives.

In contrast to those who can "hit it and quit it," demisexuals choose sexual partners very, very carefully. We want to look into the eyes of a partner and see someone worthwhile staring back.

Demisexuals have to be able to trust before being able to lust.

Demisexuals can be THE biggest freaks. We can have sexual appetites usually seen in nymphomaniacs, but if we're not comfortable with you, we're not going to let you see that sexual side of us.

We need to know what's on your mind before we see what's in your pants.

Answering how many partners you've had and if you're STD-free is not sufficient enough to have sex with us.

Demisexuals need to swoon before we spoon. We truly need to know that we can feel comfortable with -- and trust -- our partners.

We don’t want to get hurt. And because of how much we value an emotional connection, we take the proper time to touch each other before actually touching each other.