If you don't know what sexting is, good for you – you have morals. Now let me corrupt you.
Sexting is the act of turning your phone into a "50 Shades of Grey" novel, where you either share your desires with a partner or engage in some literary role-play and act out penetration through text. It also involves naked pictures. Lots of naked pictures.
Here's an example of poor sexting etiquette as demonstrated by my unfortunate friend:
One would think that a cringe-worthy text like this is an isolated incident. I mean, no human could be that socially inept, right? I wish that were the case. Another friend told me that a potential bae offered to send her a picture of the pile of cum covering his mattress after self-completing. They hadn't even gone on a date yet.
I regularly swap horror stories like this with every female in my social network. It seems like there is no light at the end of the dark, cum-filled tunnel. Since I am a social activist, I'm taking this opportunity to create change. Just like Obama!
I usually try to give guys the benefit of the doubt, but I really don't think y'all have the foresight to see how other tactics could clue women in to your sexual interest -- other than sending over a picture of your penis.
Being horny makes boys do some really stupid sh*t, and texting while horny can lead to disaster. I am here to teach you how to properly manage the privilege of owning both genitals and a cell phone.
First things first:
DON'T overdo it
The biggest sexting mistake I see guys commit is simply doing waaaay too much of it. The sum of your conversations with a girl should not amount to you sending pictures of your penis from various angles, begging her to describe what she'll do to you, and reminding her how badly you want to get up in that sh*t. She's seen it, she's told you, and she already knows.
I find incessant texting every day pointless in general -- cell phones should not double as appendages. It's even worse if you spend all your phone time trolling for nudes. One should be enough, but instead a single nude seems to open the door to requests for more and more. Boys are rarely satisfied with just one. Unless you have short-term memory loss, what are you going to do with 4,000 pictures of the same vagina?
Hey, guys who ask for a million nudes - have you seen that classic MAD TV “Can I Have Your Number” sketch? The one where he goes:
Can I have it? Can I have it? Can I have it?
You're that guy.
Speaking for myself -- and for hordes of other women around the world -- at a certain point I feel concerned that you're so excited to talk about f*cking. It seems like you've either never had sex before, or you think I'm a prostitute.
Relax, stop talking, and actually f*ck me. Which brings me to my next point…
DON'T wait too long to have real, naked intercourse.
Say you manage not to weird her out. Say a girl is enthusiastically responding to your sexts, replying with nudes, talking about how badly she wants you, and the mood is lit as hell. She's Snapchatting that p*ssy, if you will.
That moment right there is your opportunity to invite her ass over. You have that night, or the next day (some girls prefer more notice) to enact all of the dirty fantasies you've been writing in print.
DO NOT make the fatal error of waiting until she's cold and dry four days later to send a random picture of your lima beans with the caption, “Where are you?”
Dude, she's at work. She's probably eating a salad at her desk thinking, “What the f*ck?” while LOL-ing and sending screenshots to her girlfriends.
DO use sexting as an opportunity to tease.
Going back to the whole please-don't-turn-my-cell-phone-into-a-porn-portal thing, take advantage of minimalism. Men respond to visual stimuli, and women respond to words -- we love subtlety. Like foreplay, we like to be warmed up before we get in the mood to send and receive pictures, or to have sexy story time.
One of the hottest texts I've ever received was, “I just had the most insane dream about you.” Naturally, I asked for details.
He replied, “It involved the back row of a movie theater, my hand, and you throwing a jacket over your lap.” I asked for more details.
You can imagine where that conversation went.
Here's why this is an example of excellent game: Neither of the two text messages explicitly mentioned sex. They were sexy, sure, but they required consent to continue and become more graphic -- which they did.
I was also given the chance to change the subject without making things awkward. If he had just asked to see me naked, I never would have replied, but this was a smart way of getting me turned on and dying to see him again (while kind of making the whole ordeal seem like my idea).
This guy understood the most important "DO" of sending the right kind of message over the phone.
DO understand that sexting requires consent.
Sexting consent is just as important as real-life consent. Sext a girl only if she wants you to.
If she tells you she feels uncomfortable or asks you to stop sending suggestive messages, you have to stop. Also, getting no response to a sext is also a "no."
In my opinion, initiating racy text messages is not worth the risk of seriously offending someone. If I were a guy, I would either let the girl get the ball rolling or send suggestive messages only to people I'd already met and hooked up with. Slow and steady wins the race, y'know?
Every relationship is different, so using your own judgment is necessary. Maybe she's mad freaky and asks for the raunchiest pictures possible -- that's none of my business.
But, when in doubt, just follow the Golden Rule of sexting:
The point of sexting is to create tension and fun for both parties.
Getting off on asking random girls for pictures of their boobs is not sexting -- that's just being a pervert. Sexting is about a mutual exchange of desire, however -- and that's dope.