Close your eyes, ladies. Are they closed? Good.
Now, raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by Regina George.
Just kidding. OK, seriously: Raise your hand if you have ever felt violated by a very creepy, extremely awkward sext, private Facebook message, Tinder message or other kind of digital communication.
I'm guessing that every one of you has a hand in the air right now. We've all been privy to the unsolicited dick pic, the unwarranted come-on and the fetish admission that no one could have prepared us for.
We've all been there. It is part of being a woman in the age of the text message. Should it be that way? Of course not, but what can you do?
You can't swipe right on Tinder for more than 10 minutes without receiving either a “DTF?” text or a giant, pixelated photograph of some dude's wang. It's a lot to deal with, amiright?!
With their iPhone just inches away from their dicks at any given time, men seem to constantly feel the need to send off unflattering photos of their junk to women everywhere.
Even though we constantly tell them that an unsolicited wiener photo is not something a woman wants to receive, they just continue to do it.
Now, if your hand didn't raise -- and you're telling me no man has ever sent you a creepy sext -- then congratulations on being an enormous liar.
No one believes you, so just get over it.
We're all in this together. Don't worry; no one thinks you "asked for it" if you flirt too hard. Sometimes guys just don't understand boundaries and genuine social courtesy.
Fellas, did you ever stop to wonder if “Hey, maybe this girl doesn't want me to tell her about how I want to sniff her nipple hair after she asked me how my day way.” Did you?
No? Okay, then.
My ladies, my beauties, my darlings: If you need a little consolation and a LOT of mental recovery from the PTSD caused by ludicrously sexual text messages that you didn't request, look no further.
Here are 11 real women on the creepiest sext they have ever received:
1. Just saying hi … with my wiener.
I got a dick pic on Snapchat the other night from this rando from, like, three years ago. And then he followed up with, 'Come on don't leave me like that.' And I said, 'I have a boyfriend.' And he said, 'So I can't say hi?' And I was like 'WITH YOUR DICK!?'
- Kaitlyn, 26.
2. Spit or swallow?
I was once seeing this very hot lawyer. He was a great sexter, and I always had a very enjoyable time sending him scandalous messages. But then he decided to tell me one day that he wanted to spit in my mouth. Why does one spit in someone's mouth? IDK! But it made me feel weird. I still had sex with him for, like, years. But seriously; I could never get that one out of my head. Can you imagine? Someone spitting a loogie into your mouth? I'm gagging.
3. I think he was the butt of the joke.
One time, I sh*t you not (pun intended), someone sent me a picture of their butthole. I immediately showed everyone I knew -- and then died inside.
- Aly, 28.
4. Dicks and nips for everyone!
I was on Blendr (the straight version of Grindr) back in 2011, when it first came out, and a guy messaged me. I look at his photo and it's him in his bathroom, headless and shirtless. He has way too many products in the background of the photo, one of which was a Gillette Fusion shaving cream bottle. Now, I never would have talked to this guy, but I was with my best friend, who wanted to entertain it. So I said hello. Next text: him with that Gillette Fusion shaving cream bottle next to his dick... to give it a size comparison. It measured up! Then I sent back a photo of my friend's hairy nipple (a beautiful gay man willing to participate) and a Chobani yogurt container... ya know, to give it size. The Blendr gent simply responded with "Ew," and that's how we left it.
- Sandy, 29.
5. Forget the sext -- I think I'm more disturbed by his salad name.
I'm a stand-up comic. And I went on one date with this guy, Kale (that was his real name). The date wasn't good or bad. He drank a lot more vodka sodas than me, and it was Tuesday. It did not end with a kiss or anything. But he texted me after saying how he wanted to hang out again. I wasn't really interested in pursuing it further, so I invited him to my comedy show. He came, watched. Heard me tell a joke about how gross I think dick pics are. But still sent me a dick pic after the show. It's like he wasn't even listening.
He just heard "dick," "pic" and "send" and somehow thought I'd enjoy it? The sad thing about the dick pic is it wasn't even erect! That's like taking a selfie without a flattering angle. What was even sadder is I can tell he put a lot of effort into the lighting and manscaping. I never saw Kale again, except in my salads.”
- Gabi, 23.
6. A very happy Valentine's for you, indeed.
A guy I used to hook up with sent me a Snapchat on Valentine's Day with nothing but his ROOMMATE's pitcher gear on (dick completely out) with the caption "happy valentine's day luv u." It was disgusting. Still scarred. Also would like to note that he 1) saw this as a legitimate Valentine's gift and 2) sent it to three different girls.
- Carrie, 23.
7. Feminism on Tinder will produce 'interesting' results.
Back in 2013, I had written 'feminist' on my Tinder profile. I didn't really think anything of it. But then some guy named Nico messaged me this really weird, um, sext in response to me being a feminist.
- Sandy, 29.*
8. Because sex and pizza are an obvious combination.
I don't sext on the reg, but when I do, I try to get creative with it. This dude kept mentioning pizza since he was eating some, so I started to crave it 'cause I'm a pizza slut. So, I went to get pizza myself, and we both started 'talking delivery' to each other ;). He was like 'Jess, my crust is so hard for you right now.' and I was all 'Oh yeah, I want you to stuff my crust. Give me that extra sauce rn.' I don't remember the rest -- it actually went on for a good while -- but we killed it.
- Jessica, 23.
9. Netflix and ch-scrotum.
I had been talking this guy for a while. I was actually really excited about him. We'd met through Tinder a few weeks prior. He was really cute. We talked all day, every day. We were planning on a date. We had decided we'd meet up for dinner, but out of nowhere it suddenly became 'Netflix and chill.' I really wasn't about that, and I said as much. I got a text from him and opened it, hoping he'd say something along the lines of, 'Oh no, I totally understand. We'll get dinner!' But, to my dismay, what I got instead was a picture of his veiny ball sack.
I never responded, and we never hung out IRL.
- May, 25.
10. Well, that escalated quickly.
I went on truly one of the best first dates of my life. He was funny, smart and super sarcastic -- like me. We had an amazing kiss at the end of the night. He went on a business trip for the next week. I didn't hear from him, and I obviously started to panic. Then, out of the blue, he sent me a text that said, 'I want to lick your pussy.' I have a feeling he didn't mean to send that message to me, but some other girl. We had just kissed and had never sexted.
It was really awkward and brought me right out of my 'great first date' fuzz and back to reality. I didn't see him again after that.
- Riley, 27.
11. Hey, Mom!
I was sexting this boy, and he was a little too comfortable sending out his naked self all willy-nilly (emphasis on the willy). I guess he got a little too cocky (amiright?) and sent a steamy pic to me… at least, he thought it was to me; it turns out he sent it to his mom... he showed me the screenshot after.
I have a feeling Christmas is going to be awkward.
- Kendra, 23.*
* Names were changed.