8 Things To Do Tonight If You Want To Have Morning Sex Tomorrow

By

I'm not a girl with many mantras, but I do have one solid mantra I repeat to myself daily: "There are no orgasms like morning orgasms, honey."

The first time I ever had a morning orgasm, I was astonished at how mind-blowing it was. The orgasm was so acutely intense, it exploded inside my body, leaving me feeling a little afraid that the floorboards would crack open from my wild orgasm vibrations.

Giphy

But sometimes, morning sex can be embarrassing. Your breath reeks, you're usually wearing really unsexy sweatpants and you can't decide whether it's more awkward to take your gross, fleece socks off or leave them on.

There are no orgasms, like morning orgasms, honey.

Personally, I've had every kind of awkward morning sex in the book. I've had it hungover with leftover tequila breath, and I've had it in Hello Kitty PJs (which is just gross and wrong on a plethora of levels). Hell, I've had it after a night of burritos.

Lucky for you, after a decade of trial and error, I think I've mastered exactly what you need to do the night before you want to have HOT AF morning sex:

1. Oil pull your life away.

OK, honey, you need to get on the oil-pulling train. What you do is swish extra virgin coconut oil (that's the only virginal thing going in that filthy mouth of yours, baby) around in your mouth for 20 minutes the afternoon before you have morning sex.

Giphy

It gives you the breath of an angel, and it makes your teeth so, so white.

Good, old-fashioned toothpaste and mouthwash will cover you for about three hours. But oil pulling will give you long-term amazing breath, so you don't have to worry about breathing your vile dragon breath all over your poor sex partner.

2. Put witch hazel under your baggy eyes.

I'm a girl with horrible, baggy eyes. When I asked God for Louis Vuitton luggage, he misunderstood me. I meant I wanted the baggage to take on fancy holidays. But instead, he put it beneath my eyes.

The worst part about morning sex for me is that I know my eyes look swollen, dark and ugly. I don't want to soulfully stare into your eyes when we're getting down and dirty when my eyes look like shit.

But ladies, witch hazel (a brand of skin cleanser) and coffee grinds are our saviors. If you use either of these under your eyes, you will wake up not only bag-free, but with eyes so gorgeous, they shine.

Take a hot washcloth, soak it in witch hazel and press it beneath your eyeballs before bed. I also like to press some coffee grinds over it to get my blood circulating. (I need the extra help.)

3. Invest in some Hanky Panky underwear.

Look, I know times are tough right now, sister. I get it.

But if you want to have morning sex, expensive, lace undies are a necessary evil. The cheap panties you buy are usually made of cheap fabrics that make your vagina smell funky by the time morning hits.

I recommend a brand called Hanky Panky. They're sexy, yet comfortable enough to sleep like a baby in. And they're also light, so your vagina can breathe.

Hell hath no fury like a vagina that's gone eight hours without breathing.

Hell hath no fury like a vagina that's gone eight hours without breathing.

4. Sleep in braids.

I have this illustrious fantasy that I have luscious, tangle-free hair. Sometimes, my hair even looks that way before I go to bed.

But every morning, I wake up with a tangled, disgusting lion's mane, and so do you, girl. Let's not kid ourselves: We don't want bae to pull our hair when it's a hot mess.

So first, take those clip-in extensions out before bed. Bae won't even notice because you're going to put your hair in two braids, like Wednesday Addams.

It's a little kinky because it's innocent in a fetish-y way. But the best part is, you will wake up totally tangle-free.

Then, right before you have sex, you can release your braids and have Victoria's Secret model hair waves. Works every damn time!

6. Sleep in only a sheer muscle tank and your new Hanky Panky underwear.

You want to sleep looking sexy, but not so sexy that it looks like you're trying too hard. Repeat after me, kittens: Sexy is effortless. Sexy is effortless. SEXY IS EFFORTLESS.

If you want to make bae melt, wear your lace undies, but pair them with a sheer muscle tank... with no bra. No bra, no problem, right?

You're supposed to look slightly mussed anyway, not like it's your wedding day. The sheer muscle tank keeps things nice and casual (but still a little slutty since you can see your nipples through the tank).

7. Wear designer perfume to bed.

I always wear perfume to bed in hopes that I have sexy morning sex. And a delicious scent is the way to make sex even sexier.

So don your entire body in your favorite fragrance before bed. And don't forget to give yourself an extra few spritzes so it lasts (and, of course, a little spritz in the crotch, babes).

Giphy

Plus, this way, their bed will smell like you after you leave, and they won't get you out of their heads. It's one of my oldest tricks to manipulate someone into becoming obsessed with you.

8. Lay off the burritos.

Girl, I don't need to get into the gross details, but right now, I'm warning you to lay off the damn burritos if you want to have morning sex.

I love burritos as much as the next person, but let's hold out for Sunday night when we're having a girls' night.

Tonight, however, is about glorious morning sex, and we don't need anything getting in the way of it.

Giphy