Guille Faingold

20 Signs You're Only Dating Someone Because They're Good At Sex

They say love and hate are the closest two emotions, but that's really not true. LOVE and LUST are the closest two emotions.

I mean, both make your heart feel like it's dropping into your knees. Both make your entire body tingle with an inexplicable feeling. Both make you sick to your stomach and give you a desire to vomit all over your mother's brand new $2,000 Persian rug. Both are infuriating yet addictive at the same time. Both make you feel like an addict who just wants more.

One time in my very early 20s, I was in a relationship with a girl who I thought I loved, but I quickly realized we just had great sex with zero emotional connection. I confused the two. I was like a drunk, toasted off the great sex, stumbling around the city streets with blurry vision.

I remember one time I brought this girl creature to meet all of my friends at the now closed East/West bar on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood.

We were all dancing up a storm acting like the wild, 21-year-old, newly gay animals we were. After spilling a glass of champagne on the floor, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I dragged a gay boy wearing dramatic black eyeliner and a cropped shirt outside with me.

"What do you thinkkkkk...?" I excitedly slurred to my new friend. I noticed his nails were pointy and painted black. It was the first time I had ever seen pointed nails on anyone and six months later, every celebrity bitch had pointed nails. I could feel he was a trendsetter, so I respected his opinion even though I didn't know him.

"She's greaaattt," he slurred back at me, but his heavily made-up face said it all. He thought she was totally basic and boring, and what the hell was I even doing with her?

A few weeks after, we broke up (see, he was a trend predictor!). I realized she was a socially conservative pro-lifer (SUPER rare for a lesbian, but it does indeed happen) and I can't deal with that shit, no matter how good you are in bed.

And post-breakup, I had an epiphany of epic proportions. I realized the only reason we were together was because of the s-e-x. I was a brand new impressionable lesbian, so sex was (and still is) a very powerful force that could easily taint my usual impeccable judgement.

But the whole situation really scared the hell out of me. In our six-week whirlwind affair, I had actually convinced myself I was in love. And now the facts were blazingly apparent: We had nothing in common, and she wasn't even someone I would be friends with, let alone love.

It was really jarring that I spent six weeks with a girl totally blinded by her prowess in the sack.

Look, kittens, it's Friday and I don't want to mess around and be all sweet and vague with you. I don't want you to waste your precious time dating someone just because they're good in bed. If you can figure out the whole fuck buddy arrangement and do JUST that, that's totally fine.

But don't live in a delusional state of thinking you've met someone amazing when you really just want to jump their bones. Because when you come down off the sex high, you'll wake up one morning, roll over and think, "Ew, she sucks."

And you might not be as lucky as me. It might happen when you're married. And then you have to deal with divorce and lawyers and the humiliation that you married a stupid idiot just because you couldn't keep it in your goddamn pants.

So here it is: 20 signs you're dating someone just because they're good in bed. This might be a sobering experience, but the sooner you confront your false feelings of love, the better.

1. You find yourself really glorifying mediocre things they do. For instance, you'll say, "Wow, and she knows how to parallel park!" as if it's as impressive as winning the Pulitzer Prize.

2. You never want to go on sweet dates, like a walk in the park or a day at the beach. You really only want to go to dark bars with booze at the end of the night when you know you'll be getting laid within three hours of hanging out.

3. Close your eyes and imagine the person you're dating. Imagine your future together. Do you feel cold and numb? Well, then yes, you're just in for the sex, babes.

4. Close your eyes and imagine the person you're dating. Imagine having sex with them. Do you feel amazingly excited and wet and riled up? Well, you could be in real love. Real love is sexually charged, too. But if that's ALL you feel, like you don't have any other emotions stir up, well, you're just in it for the sex, babes.

5. The idea of JUST making out for hours and hours and hours doesn't do it for you.

6. You cancel dates with him or her when you're on your period.

7. When you talk about them, you show people his or her picture before you tell them about who they are.

8. You find yourself being a creep who asks him or her over to "Netflix and chill," and then you make elaborate dinner plans with your friends.

9. You know about the mole on their left butt cheek, but you don't know their stance on reproductive rights.

10. You have zero connection with their friends or family, and you don't understand why. "I just don't have much to say about their friends, you know?" Yeah, I know. Because you're not sleeping with their friends. And your bae is probably exactly like them, but, girl... you've been dickmatized. 

11. You know exactly how they taste, but you couldn't describe their taste in fashion, style, decor or music.

12. You dumb yourself down when you're around them.

13. You claim you hate the smell of dirty socks, but totally ignore the fact that his or her room smells exactly like DIRTY SOCKS.

14. You claim you would never date a Trump supporter, but you pretend not to hear when they allude to liking Trump (that's when it's bad and you need REHAB, girl).

15. After you leave them, you find yourself super hungry for intellectual stimulation.

16. You begin to become physically turned on after you have an amazing conversation with a friend because it's been so long that you actually had an amazing conversation with anyone at all.

17. The idea of watching porn with him or her gets you really hot and bothered, but you would never go to an actual MOVIE with him or her.

18. You find yourself saying "Awww, that's SO romantic" when they send you a nude pic.

19. You say "Last night was really amazing. I had a great time with you!" and realize all you did last night was go to their house at 2 am, have sex and leave after the buzz wore off.

20. You meet someone else who is HOT and SMART and suddenly it becomes crystal clear: You were never in love with this person at all; they just killed it in the bedroom. Now that you have one person with a brain in front of you, you can't believe you thought you were in LOVE with a brainless hottie. Because that's all they are, sweet pea. A brainless hottie. And a brainless hottie does not a long-term relationship make.