I wish I could say I've never felt self-conscious about my body, but that would be a bold-faced lie from hell.
You wouldn't even believe that, not only because it's not humanly possible to feel gorgeous all of the time (unless you're a sociopath), but I've shamelessly written about my struggles with an eating disorder and poor body image on the internet for a while now.
So I'm not going to bore you with the whole "it's normal for us all to feel bad about our bodies sometimes, girls!" bullshit.
I hate when women's magazines tell us it's totally normal to feel self-conscious from time to time as if it's groundbreaking news we haven't all heard or read a million times before.
BREAKING NEWS: ALL WOMEN HAVE DAYS WHERE THEY DON'T FEEL BEAUTIFUL! YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
It's like, shut up, don't insult my intelligence and also that doesn't make me feel any goddamn better.
But you know what does make me feel better? Getting down and dirty about our specific, weird body insecurities, and the ridiculous lengths we go to cover them up. Especially during sex.
God, isn't having sex when you feel shitty about your body the worst?
I like to have wild, insatiable sex when I'm feeling impossibly gorgeous, non-bloated, totally hairless and powerful like some sultry vixen of the night that no one can resist.
Sadly it's so rare I feel like an impossibly gorgeous, non-bloated, hairless, powerful sultry vixen of the night that no one can resist. The only time I think I ever really felt all of those things at once, I was high on ecstasy.
And since I don't take drugs anymore (because I've realized that drugs kill your spirit, and only give you a falsified, fleeting feeling of prettiness), I've had to accept that unless I want to live a sexless existence (which I effing don't), I'm going to have to deal with having sex when I'm feeling insecure in my body.
I mean my want for sex trumps my self-consciousness about my body 90 percent of the time, because I'm a highly sexual girl creature.
I mean, I've even figured out ways to have sex on my period and I never feel hot on my period (TMI I know, but a girl doesn't get to have a career as a senior sex and dating writing because she's shy about these things).
Oh, I want to be one of those girls who feels sexy on her period because it's like I'm in my most primal female state, but I'm not. Maybe I should try Prozac again or something. Because I just feel bloated and my boobs feel so hard it's like they have goddamn rocks in them that time of the month.
But I still don't let it stop me from doing the deed. Just like I don't let it stop me when my face feels puffy or my legs aren't perfectly shaven. Trust me, I'm a vain bitch who works hard to look perfect for my partner all the time (again, I should embrace my "imperfection" but I'm not there yet, babe. I'm in therapy -- one day at a time), but I don't let my insecurities stop me from releasing my sexual needs.
And neither do my lovely co-workers, all of whom suffer from body insecurities just like me (BREAKING NEWS, ELITE DAILY WRITERS/EDITORS HAVE BODY INSECURITIES TOO!).
So we broke down all the ways we have sex when we have specific insecurities. We're not saying you should do these things and we're not glorifying perfect bodies; we're just being real, kids.
Because we're just real girls with real bods living our real lives.
1. When we're feeling like our ass is HUGE.
I'm one of those girls who carries all my extra weight in my ass (it's genetic, as my mother loves to incessantly remind me).
Some days I embrace the bum and other days, it can make those sexy doggy-style positions feel like a nightmare. It can be my own personal version of hell so dire, I want to quit sex forever and become a nun so I can get paid for my celibacy.
This is when I do the "lying down flat, face up" position. No one will get a glimpse of the ol' behind when you're laying flat.
In fact, this is also a great position when you just feel like being a gorgeous, entitled pillow princess who is too precious to lift a finger in the sack either, a mood I'm in often -- but not when I'm feeling ugly -- when I'm feeling like a high-maintenance, prissy, bitch.
2. When we're feeling wildly bloated in the midsection.
Well, what does a girl do when she's had heaps of salt, is on her period or maybe just got stoned and recklessly ate an entire stick of butter the night before and feels uncomfortably bloated in the midsection but wants to exercise her God-given right to orgasm?
Well, she just has sex "lying down, face into the pillow," that's what she does. This way, her midsection is safely tucked away into the folds of the sheets, and just her gorgeous bum is exposed to her partner.
3. When we're feeling like our tits are having an off day.
Some days, I fiercely love my boobs and I just want to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AND RUN DOWN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY AND FREE THAT OPPRESSED NIPPLE, SUGAR BABE.
And other days, I look in the mirror and my boobs just look weird and deformed and I don't want you to see them exposed because I think you'll think they're weird and deformed. I know it's all in my head, but my head is an ever-changing screwed-up place that is anything but consistent, so don't expect logic please and thank you.
On days like this, I have sex with a really luscious gorgeous expensive bra (preferably from Agent Provocateur) on. The tricky part is distracting your partner when they try to unhook that $200 bra off your body... which leads me seamlessly into my next point.
4. When we're feeling like the texture of our skin is too dry.
I'm very into silky skin on myself. However, there are days when I don't have time to lather this 5' 6" body in the lotions and the potions sitting pretty on my dresser. Which kills me.
In fact, most days I over-moisturize to the point where my partner once I asked me if "I was feeling OK" because I felt "clammy." When really I was in perfect health, I had just gone too far with the cocoa butter.
When I feel like my skin is dry, I feel probably at my most unsexy ever. This is when I go in for the oral kill. And it's not like I don't get turned on when I perform oral sex. It really turns me on to turn on my partner because it makes me feel powerful, and feeling powerful is sexy.
But this way I can get my rocks off and I don't have to get all in my head and have a meltdown because I feel like my skin is dry and scaly like a snake.
Nah, I can just channel all of my sexual attention on her. Take a trip down south where I'm too far away too touch.
5. When we're feeling like our feet smell/toenails are ratchet.
Sex with shoes on, duh!
However little sisters, don't have sex with your socks on. Unless they're sexy knee-high socks. Those are pretty fetish and sort of chic in an American Apparel model way.
Sex in heels, sex in Dr. Martens boots and sex in Mary Janes is very very HOT. And no one has to know that your feet have been roasting in your shoes for a 12-hour day and smell rancid.
6. When we're feeling like our vaginas are "un-groomed."
Look, vaginas are vaginas and don't need to be groomed like a goddamn Shetland pony. They aren't show dogs that are supposed to be perfectly blown-out, about to be judged by a group of strict, stern faced ladies, who will inspect its teeth and breeding. Vaginas are beautiful, groomed or un-groomed.
However, we've all had our moments of feeling like, ugh, my vagina is not looking/feeling so hot today. She's come down with a pesky case of grossness and I'm just not into flaunting her today, even if it makes me a bad feminist.
Those days are when we have the sex without the oral sex. We go straight in for penetration because we don't want anyone getting up close and personal with our unhappy vaginas. Because an unhappy vagina will bite your hand off.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
7. When we're feeling emotionally disconnected.
Look, this is about body insecurities. I GET IT. However, babes, rules are meant to be broken and I feel strongly about this one.
I mean, emotions live in the body so technically, I'm not breaking the rules, for all of you trolls out there who want to call me out.
When we're feeling emotionally disconnected, we have crazy fetish, wild, bondage sex, just so we can feel something. God please, LET ME FEEL please please please.
8. When we're feeling all-round ugly.
Sex with the lights off is obviously our go-to when we feel all-round ugly. I feel like this when I'm hungover, plus the light hurts my eyes when I'm hungover because I tend to sleep in my contacts.
This way, in the darkness, we can pretend we look really pretty because when it's dark, you can project whatever fantasy you like because reality has faded into nothingness.
9. When we feel like our breath is bad.
Spoon sex for bad breath.
I don't want your tongue in my mouth after I've smoked 10,000 joints and followed it with a slice of garlic pizza. So, in order to avoid our tongues interacting, let's just have spoon sex. I'll be the little spoon and you can be the big spoon, and then we can switch because I'm versatile in bed, baby.