Salamanders Travel Miles Just For Sex, Are All Of Us On A Saturday Night

Scientists have found that some salamanders will travel up to nine miles on those teeny, tiny, little legs across dangerous terrain to find someone to mate with.

The researchers over at Ohio State University realized something was up when they noticed certain salamanders were traveling an average of six miles to get to new breeding sites.

When they compared the genetics of those salamanders to the ones who weren't making the trek, they realized the salamanders going the distance were the "sexual" type — as opposed to the all-female kind that reproduce by cloning. (Girl power, amiright?!)

These sexual critters are made to ensure they can do whatever it takes to find the BEST mate possible.

And with further testing they found a shocker: The "sexual" salamanders were able to travel a SIGNIFICANTLY greater distance than the nonsexual ones. They think that this high endurance is the result of some evolutionary adaption.

Basically, these sexual critters are made to ensure they can do whatever it takes to find the BEST mate possible.

I mean, just look at this cute lil guy going at mega speed to get his nut:

Not too different from yourself when you're feeling particularly drunk and horny on a Saturday night, is it?

Think that comparison is a little bit of a stretch? Let me paint you a little song-led picture.

It's 3:30 in the morning.

AKA 30 minutes until closing time.

"Closing time... One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer."

"Closing time... You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

But... YOU KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME.

OK, or maybe you don't even know exactly who you want to take you home.

The point is, you're sure of two things: You will be getting your nut tonight, and it will not be with any of the duds at the bar you're currently at.

Sane, sober, sexually satisfied you would probably just call it a night and go home.

But you're trying to get some booty tonight. And you're not trying to settle for some subpar tail. No, you want the creme de la creme. Top of the crop. And you're willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

Lead author of the salamander study, Robert Denton, explained of the journey the sexual creatures take to find their mates:

It has to be incredibly intimidating for these tiny salamanders. They could get eaten by a crow or a raccoon. They could dry out.

That's not unlike you.

Besides the fact that you, too, could quite literally dry out (I mean, I had to go there), this journey is going to be dangerous.

You don't know if your friends will come with you to the next bar. You don't know if the guy you've been booty calling as your plan B will still be awake and out by the time you get to him. Heck, you don't even know if the next bar is going to be open.

It's a race against the clock, full of unknowns, and there's a chance you might not even have sex in these stark conditions.

But, by God, you, much like the sexual salamander, are going to try.

Citations: Salamanders brave miles of threatening terrain for the right sex partner (Eureka Alert!)