Chef Franco Noriega Shows Off His Own Giant Eggplant in Instagram Video (NSFW)
Even on the cloudiest of days, chiseled Peruvian chef Franco Noriega's Instagram story has reassured all of the world that at least something will still rise.
Back in October of this year, the 27-year-old convinced all of us that chia seed pudding was not only a real thing, but an actual edible dish only meant to be cooked in your underwear.
Now, he's taught me I may keel over if I don't eat my breakfast every morning.
At least, I think that's what he taught me. I'm not really sure. There's too much sweat running into my eyes.
You see, before Noriega began toting around the kitchen in silky grey trunks (that literally looked like they were struggling to contain his stupidly large penis), he documented the morning as only he would — head-to-toe stark naked.
And this wasn't just your typical, nude Instagram story footage. Oh, no.
I'm talking full-on, international, fuck-me eyes that slowly panned down with the camera to reveal just about every perfectly sculpted inch of Franco.
Well, close to every inch.
To keep things partially SFW, his free hand, which must be the size of a baseball glove, was cupping his crotch.
Do you think he washed it before beginning to cook?
Dear God, I hope not.
To my dismay, things cut away to some sexy smoothie-blending before the acclaimed chef's video almost became Pornhub-worthy.
Yes, using a blender can be sexy, at least in this case.
But honestly, Franco could de-bone a batch of small trout, and I'd probably come in my pants.
Now, if stripped-down instructional videos aren't satisfying enough for you, his ever-growing Instagram feed of food porn and borderline actual porn will have you feeling like Christmas came early.
Or you can just head to his New York restaurant Baby Brasa for an up close and personal look. I've already reserved my table.
Just kidding, I reserved all the tables.
See you soon, Franco.