Like every other guy in America, there's been a time or two (or OK, seven) when I've found myself finishing way too early during sex.
It's never my intention to have it happen. I mean, who wants to blow their load before they're even able to take off their jeans?
In most instances, foreplay has gone on for such a disgustingly long amount of time that I've just been dry humped into completion.
I've never allowed a premature performance to label me a failure. It's not like if I cum once, I'm never going to cum again.
If anything, the sense of embarrassment comes from displeasing your partner, and not rising up to their expectations.
Most partners are comforting, if not surprisingly turned on by the fact that they got you to climax without much touching.
Others... well, they might not be as forgiving, going for the more "Umm, are you friggin' kidding me?" type of reaction.
I'm no ejaculation expert, but I've come to learn there are plenty of things you can do to stop your personal volcano from boiling over. All you have to do is use your head.
No, not that one down there. The one up top.
Here are some unattractive and totally off-putting ideas to flood your noggin with in order to keep that pesky early orgasm at bay:
1. Replace James Franco in "127 Hours" with your testicles.
2. Try to solve an SAT-worthy calculus equation.
3. Envision yourself as the star of the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" music video.
4. Imagine getting a hockey puck snapshot into your crotch by Henrik Lundqvist.
5. Visually drive around on Rainbow Road from "Mario Kart" for all of eternity.
6. Think of your entire immediate family sitting in bleachers and critiquing your sexual performance.
7. Picture recovering from a broken penis.
8. Mentally list all of the potential options inside a Piñata.
9. Imagine having to lick the underside of a homeless man's feet.
10. Think about Donald Trump's presidency.
With any of these thoughts in mind, you'll be able to go for hours and hours... maybe even days and weeks without orgasming. I promise.