New Year's Resolutions For The Sexually Empowered Girl

Earlier this year, I was crawling out of my skin, seeped in irritation, because I hadn't had sex in two months.

"I'm going crazy! I have so much pent-up anger and feelings, and I just need to release them, you know? I can't believe I haven't felt a warm body on top of me for TWO MONTHS!" I moaned to my friend over a glass of wine.

"Girl, it's been a YEAR for me," my darling friend bleakly responded, her eyes as dead as a corpse.

"WHAT? Babe, are you freaking out?" I screamed, my eyes wild and my heart racing with empathetic anxiety.

"Nah, I'm OK. I'm not that sexual, Zara," she smiled serenely. "I could take it or leave it."

It took me three whole days to digest her words.

Take it or leave it? How can you take or leave sex? Weren't we built to have sex? Isn't yearning for sex an essential part of the human condition?

I mean, I've been a sexually empowered girl full of sexual fantasy and desire since the sixth grade. The only time I lost my sexuality was when I had my first bout of clinical depression, but as soon as I recovered, so did my sexuality.

But hey, babes, I guess we're all wired differently, and not everyone is fueled with the relentless desire to have sex all the time. Not everyone is entirely motivated by sex. Not everyone feels as if they've been stripped of their identity when they're trapped in the tethers of a dry spell. Not every girl circles everything in the world back to S-E-X.

But, I also know I'm not alone, ladies. Being a horndog isn't just a life for the boys' club. And I think it's important (and actually political AF) for us women to really let our sexually charged flag fly in 2017.

The boys have been swinging their sexuality around lately, treating us as if we're simply pawns in the game of sex. But I say, SCREW THAT!

So, I came up with some ~sexy~ resolutions for the sexually charged girl creature in 2017. This is the year we live our best lives, babes.

Have at least 3 orgasms per day.

I know this is ambitious, but you know what they say: "Shoot for the stars, and if you land on the moon (or some bullshit), you'll be happy"? I don't know the exact quote, but I think you know where I'm going with this.

Set a goal to have three orgasms a day. Maybe give yourself one in the morning before work. I mean, what's a better way to slay your job then to kick off the day with the added sparkle of a morning orgasm? You'll ooze sexual prowess for at least 8 hours, and nothing intimidates people like a woman with unabashed sexual prowess.

Nothing intimidates people like a woman with unabashed sexual prowess.

Before you go on that date after work, stop at home and give yourself another one, babe. You'll have some added confidence and independent swagger when you're on your date, which kills them every single time.

And of course, before bed (hopefully), have your hook-up buddy give you an orgasm.

And if you're single and without a hook-up buddy, give yourself one with a vibrator.

To be honest, it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there. Commit to 3 orgasms per day, because you need at least 3 times a day where you do nothing but bask in orgasmic bliss.

Wear really sexy lingerie all the time.

We feel different when we're wearing sexy lingerie. I feel like I'm having a hot affair when I go to work with some kinky, cut-out bra underneath my black, lesbian-chic blazer.

I feel like I'm harboring a sexy secret, and it gives me a little spring in my step (because being ~naughty~ makes me feel happy).

Let's commit to wearing sexy lingerie all the time this year. Even if we're not expecting to hook up with anyone, let's be like a rich divorcee who's wearing sexy lingerie for HERSELF.

Wearing lingerie is a form of sexual expression, and the more sexually expressive we ladies are, the happier we are.

Nothing feels sadder than stifling our sexuality. And fashion is just another way of expressing the whirlwind inside of us.

It doesn't even have to be lace or any typical-girl lingerie. You can wear men's briefs or TomboyX underwear if that's what makes you hot, babe. Whatever your version of sexy lingerie is, rock it.

Have incessant hotel room sex.

You know what gets me really hot? Sex in a HOTEL, baby! It makes me feel like I'm a high-end call girl, and I like to feel like a high-end call girl.

Nothing elevates sex like switching locations. And since I'm sort of past the whole "having sex in a bathroom stall" scene, hotel sex is the best sex.

A whole new sexual woman who's been locked up inside of you will be unleashed.

When you're in a hotel, you can channel a whole different side of yourself — a whole new sexual woman who's been locked up inside of you will be unleashed, and you'll feel wildly empowered.

So book 'em, babes. Instead of "Netflix and chilling" with your hookup or significant other, hotel and FUCK, girl.

Explore a new fetish.

What is it that you've always wanted to try but never actually tried because you thought it was too freaky, too nerdy or too weird? Well, 2017 is the year to get rid of the shame and JUST DO IT, babe.

Maybe it's bondage. Maybe it's some nerdy, sci-fi, role-play ordeal. I don't know. But it's time to either secure a safe hook-up buddy to experiment with or to open up to your SO about it. Let that freak flag fly in 2017.

Remember, when it comes to good sex, it's quality, not quantity.

When you're super sexually charged, sometimes you can get so horny that you end up having sex with people who aren't even your physical type.

You think, "Oh well, it's better than nothing." Then, you end up stuck in a cycle of mediocre sex, which is very boring and soul-crushing to the hyper-sexual girl.

Let's commit to having GOOD, HOT sex with only people who are wildly attractive to us.

I mean, lez get real, girl: We can always just get ourselves off and do it without the disappointing orgasms, the fear of STDs or the pregnancy scares.

So, let's not have desperate sex in 2017. Let's have mind-blowing sex instead. It'll sustain us for much longer than the cheap, 5-second thrill of shitty, boring, meaningless sex.