It's really, really, really hard to get over someone who's annoyingly awesome in bed.
I know firsthand.
A few years ago, I found myself sitting in a tiny, cob web-adorned stairwell on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, crying my eyes out.
I was hiding away from the masses at this overcrowded, hipster, trust fund baby party I had made the mistake of attending.
"I just don't think I'll ever get over her," I mumbled to my friend, Logan, an endless stream of hot tears running down my mascara-streaked face. I stared at a lone crushed beer can someone had recklessly tossed in the corner.
"What is it that you even like about her, Zara? She's a wildly narcissistic fuckgirl who isn't even remotely charming."
Logan's voice was dead, and his usually glittery eyes looked flat like cardboard. But there was no denying Logan was right. She was a wildly narcissistic fuckgirl who wasn't a lick of charming.
I felt myself becoming irrationally enraged at Logan. "Logan, I don't know. Sometimes, love doesn't make sense!" You removed, soulless little bitch, I added inside my head as the blood began to boil in my frigid, it's-December-in-New-York-but-I'm-too-chic -for-a-puff-coat-so-I'm-wearing-a-thin-leather-jacket body.
Logan rolled his dead eyes. He looked like a bored teenager. "You don't love her. You're addicted to the sex."
And with that, he peeled his skinny body off the floor, and strutted away in his black, leather short shorts, leaving me alone to marinate in my own angst.
You don't love them. You're addicted to the sex.
Seconds after Logan delicately dropped that bomb on me, I realized he was infuriatingly spot on in his assessment of my heartbreak.
I didn't love this wildly narcissistic fuckgirl, I just couldn't get over her because she knew exactly how to get me off.
But you know what? Once I realized why I was hanging onto this dead-end relationship, I was able to cut my losses and move forward.
Here's how you can get over someone who's great in bed, too:
1. Ask yourself, "Would I still hang out with this person if I was never going to have sex with them again?"
Until I had incredible, mind-blowing sex with the ex I couldn't get over, I had no idea sex was such a powerful force. I didn't realize it can drive people to do really stupid, illogical things.
And because sex is so intimate, it's easy to confuse an amazing sexual connection with an amazing love connection.
So the first gem I'm going to toss at you is to challenge you to separate the two. Put sex in one box, and love in another. Break out your number 2 pencil and check off the sex box. Keep the love box blank.
Get real with yourself, baby. Imagine if you were never allowed to have sex with this monster you can't get over ever again. Would you still be into them? Probably not.
When I closed my eyes and imagined the wildly narcissistic fuckgirl, and really imagined hanging out with her without the possibility of sex, she didn't sound appealing. In fact, she sounded like a punishment.
She didn't have anything interesting to say. We never had deep, soulful conversations about what the meaning of this cruel, cold life was. And she couldn't make even make me laugh.
I was clearly in it for the sex. And sex is not enough. Sex is important, but it's not enough.
Love is made up of many components: respect, shared sense of humor, intellectual connection, cohesive lifestyle. Sex is just one in a sea of many.
2. Do not lose your sexuality.
I can't stress this enough: When you're trying to get over someone who is really fantastic in bed, do not lose your sexuality in the process.
When I was getting over the narcissistic ex, I thought there was no one else who would ever satisfy me again.
"No one will ever make me cum like that," I would think to myself, feeling doomed and hopeless inside. I put her sexual skills on a shining pedestal.
I stopped getting myself off. And when we stop get ourselves off, we lose our sexuality, kittens.
And it's very dangerous when a woman loses her sexuality. Because when you lose your sexuality, I swear, you lose a tiny bit of your soul, too.
And you walk around with this big, empty space inside of you, you think your ex is what's missing.
But girl, look me in the eye. Imagine me shaking your shoulders as I repeat, "It's NOT your EX you're missing... it's your SEXUALITY."
So, how do you hold onto your sexuality, you ask? Girl, get yourself off every single night.
Now is the time to buy a vibrator (I recommend The Magic Wand) that will make you orgasm in a way no person ever could.
People can't vibrate; machines can. And machines won't break your heart.
3. Find a hook up buddy.
Controversial, I know, but as your big sister, I refuse to sugarcoat the harsh realities of the world to you.
Plus, come on, kittens, what did you expect? Did you expect me to give you a flowery answer about loving yourself and not needing sex?
Save that for Hallmark, baby.
Listen up, this is serious: You need to score a hookup buddy straight away.
They don't have to be smart. They don't have to be interesting. They don't have to be anything except ~hot~, honey.
You don't even need to have sex with them — you just need to be able to kiss them for hours and hours and hours. It's majorly meditative, will get you out of your head and keep the sexuality flourishing inside of you.
It's the ultimate distraction from the most dangerous STD of all: confusing a person who is killer at sex with a person you love.
4. Vow to never sleep with them again, and tell all of your friends.
The dumbest thing in the world you could possibly do is have sex with that cruel, little person you can't get over, especially if the very thing you can't shake is their sexuality.
Look, back in her day, yours truly was one sneaky bitch. I was like a sex junkie. I would lie, cheat and steal to have sex with my ex.
I would tell my friends I wasn't "feeling well" and leave, telling the taxi driver to take me to my ex's house. And every time we had sex, I became more and more attached to her.
Our hormones linked up; it was like she was in my blood.
I never got caught because I'm a pretty good actress, but I also learned a pivotal life lesson: Quitting a person is like quitting smoking.
Quitting a person is like quitting smoking.
There is no such thing as "just one more cigarette," and there is no such thing as "just one more romp!" either, babe. Each time you do fuck them, it will be a severe setback in your healing process.
You will wake up next to them the morning after and feel more vulnerable than you ever thought possible. You will feel powerless, and feeling powerless is what keeps you attached.
You'll spend the next day having shame shudders steeped in a pool of regret, but the next night, you'll be coming back for more.
This is how addiction works.
So go cold-turkey, and don't be a fool like me.
Tell all of your friends you're quitting ex sex, so at the end of the night when you coyly attempt to sneak away, they can pull you out of your madness, shake you and say, "I know what you're doing, and I'm not going to let it happen."
5. Block them on social media.
This is extreme, but we're dealing with extremes here, kittens.
Getting over someone is no joke. And you sitting pretty in your bedroom, staring at their hot, sexy pictures on Instagram is bound to send you spiraling into a relapse.
So, block them. Pretend they don't exist. And keep just one picture of them on your nightstand (in the drawer so people don't find out how crazy you are). Just make sure your picture of them has a demon photoshopped over their head.
This will make you see them as they are and stop sexualizing this toxic person you just can't GET OVER.
Because anyone (even if they're nice) you can't get over is toxic. They're toxic because they're holding you back from living a healthy life and meeting someone amazing and NEW.
If you miss the sex with your ex, message me. I'm so passionate about people getting over their exes, and I'll do whatever I can to help you, too, babe.