I've been obsessed with lipstick since I was 10 years old.
I had a fabulous lipstick-sporting older sister whom I fiercely worshipped. On the rare occasion that she babysat me, she would always open up her big, quilted makeup bag and show me her massive collection of NARS and Chanel lipsticks. (We're all designer whores in my family.)
"Lipstick is everything! All you need is lipstick!" she would passionately cry, flailing her arms in the air dramatically. She really would've made a great drag queen.
"Hold still!" she would demand as she bent my adolescent head back and aggressively smeared lipstick across my lips.
I loved this. I've always loved attention from cool girls, and I've always loved someone taking an interest in my looks (because I'm vain AF), so I was in little sister heaven.
My beloved sister would thrust a pink plastic hand mirror in front of my face, and I would gaze into my coral-lipped reflection totally amazed. Every. Single. Time.
Lipstick transformed me! It turned me into a vamp, a badass, a bitch, a goddess, a damsel in distress, a woman not to be fucked with.
Each lipstick made me ~feel~ differently on the inside. And I knew, even at the whacked-out age of 10 years old, that the color of a woman's lipstick was a little entryway into her soul.
As I got older and began to grow into my sexuality, I realized that not only was my lipstick a reflection of who I was, it was a reflection of how I was feeling sexually.
I mean, think about it, babes. If lipstick is a reflection of our inner souls, and the core of our soul exists in our sexual prowess... wouldn't our go-to lipstick say everything about the way we are in bed?
So here it is, sweet kittens! Zara's official guide to what your go-to lipstick says about the way you are IN BED. And if you don't like the way you are in bed, change your lipstick, sweetie. It's really that simple.
Fire engine red: You like to be dominated.
I personally LOVE to be dominated, and I also love my fire engine red lipstick.
Let me explain to you a little secret about girls and boys who like the ol' red lippy: Red is a power color. Fire engine red, in particular, is not just a powerful color; it's a panic color.
Just looking at it makes you feel like fire trucks are speeding around the corner because there is DANGER ahead, baby.
And those of us who wear red lipstick are wildly attracted to danger. We want you to be our firemen and firewomen who slide down our fragile poles, throw us down and put out our fiery flames with your powerful ~fire hydrants~.
In simple terms, we're begging you to dominate us. That's why we are wearing such a dangerous color.
Dark, sultry red: You're a biter.
Oh, a dark, sultry RED lippy! Talk dirty to me, h-o-n-e-y.
I've made out with lots of girls who wear dark, sultry red lipstick, and let me tell you something so wild, you won't believe me (even though I would never lie because lesbian internet big sisters never do): All of them are vehement lip-biters. Neck-biters. Sex-biters, in general.
I don't know why, baby. Maybe they just want to be vampires? I mean, what color is vampier than dark red? None. N-O-N-E.
Pale pink: You're super kinky and into bondage.
Pale pink is the go-to color for the bondage babe. You know why? Because it's so fucking innocent and so sweet and so doe-eyed, it's fetish. It's ironic, like pigtails on a girl over 25. Or a baby doll dress with combat boots. Or a Peter Pan collar shirt with hot pants.
Trust me, all of us girls who go out of our ways to look prim are hiding something. Something naughty.
Midnight black: You don't like to kiss.
Girls who wear midnight black lipstick are a sexy, rare breed of woman.
First of all, they don't give a shit about what anyone thinks of them. They're fierce, real fashionistas who couldn't care less about scaring you off with their high fashion badass-ness.
Also, they just aren't interested in kissing. You don't wear black lipstick to have it smeared on someone else. You might like to have sex, but don't screw up the lipstick, you hear?
Nude: You're horny and easy.
I always wear nude lipstick when I want to get laid. I mean, it's called "nude" because it's NAKED-looking and makes us think of NUDITY.
Plus, it can get wiped off easily when you suck face with a stranger at a bar. It also goes perfectly with a heavy, dark, smokey eye, and girls who are hyper-sexual are all about the smokey, sultry eye. ("Bedroom eyes," my mother tells me.)
So basically, if nude is your "go-to" lip color, you're not fooling me. You're horny and DTF, which is totally cool and I'm DTF, too. Even when I'm not wearing nude lipstick. But that's another article entirely.
Gloss: You're having an identity crisis OR you're a versatile lesbian.
I always say people who choose lip gloss over lipstick are in the throes of an identity crisis. They don't know if they want to be natural and vegan-looking, or vampy and glam and carnivorous.
Lip gloss is the gateway drug to lipstick. It's what you wear when you're not quite a woman, but not quite a little girl, you know? It's the adolescence of makeup.
This translates directly into the bedroom. You're not sure if you want to be a dominating top or a submissive bottom. You're currently experimenting with both, which can be confusing to a hookup. (But they can get over it, because they're lucky to get into your designer jeans regardless.)
OR you're a lesbian who is both top and a bottom. I would explain my logic for this, but do I have to at this point? Isn't a decade of sleeping with all kinds of women enough for you to take my word for it?
PM me if you want me to explain further.
No lipstick: You're a power top.
I used to think that girls who didn't wear lipstick were timid creatures who were afraid of their sexuality. I WAS WRONG.
What I've realized after much hands-on experience is that women who don't wear lipstick at all are total power tops. They're sexually aggressive animals who are so in control and so hyper confident, they don't have time to play with lipstick.
They're real girl bosses. They're female cops and hot female security guards that will throw you down on the bed and teach you a lesson you'll never forget!
Oh, I like being taught lessons, don't you?
Coral: You start out sweet, but really you're WILD and LOUD.
Coral is a complex color. Coral is unique and wild, like a girl with naturally red hair. The girl who looks good in coral is actually a lot like a natural redhead. She's ethereal; she's complex; she's not quite what you might think she is. She's multifaceted in and out of the bedroom.
The girl in the coral lipstick looks really sweet and sunny at first, but she has a surefire wild side to her. Because coral is both sweet and loud and wild and kinky and sugary all at once. She's a very versatile lover, the coral girl.
Oh, and your neighbors will hear everything. Coral girls are many things, but quiet is not one of them.
Burgundy: You're a classic.
Burgundy is the color of literature, of passion, of red wine and intellect! The girl who rocks burgundy lipstick will kiss you intensely, her body telling you a riveting story.
She doesn't need toys or kink or any of that; she uses her body and her sexual prowess as her tools.
She's a renaissance lover, smooth like blood red wine or the texture of velvet.