When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship.
So why is it that when the relationship doesn't necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, people freak out? More specifically, why do guys get put in such a tight spot?
If you're honest and say, "I just want a friends-with-benefits situation," you're seen as an assh*le or pervert. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you're an even bigger assh*le because you weren't honest about what you wanted.
So what's a good way of telling someone, "I'm not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship," without being offensive? The answer is simple: It's all in the presentation. With the right wording, the right tone and the right mental state, you can get what you want without giving the wrong impression.
Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to elaborate Barney Stinson-esque trickery:
Let go of the fear of "no."
My personal theory is that guys put on the big show of wanting to take a girl out on a date and get to know her, but their main goal is always to have sex.
Getting taken on dates may give a girl the wrong impression, when in reality, the guy was just afraid that if he said, "Uh, hey, can I just get a blowie and play with your breasts and not call again?" he'd be greeted with a resounding “no.”
Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren't going to be down for what you're offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who would love to just cut the bullsh*t and get to the fun -- if you just phrase it correctly.
Watch your words (and delivery).
Honesty is indeed the best policy, but there is such a thing as being too honest. I've known guys who have just gotten out of relationships, meet a girl they think is pretty and then realize they're not in the best place to commit to a full relationship.
The pretty girl, seeing that the guy is shy, takes initiative and asks him to dinner. The guys' response is usually along the lines of, "I just broke up with someone, so I'm not looking for anything serious right now. But I'll hook up with you." You can imagine that the girl’s response is never a pleasant one.
Were my guy friends honest? Yes. However, they were too honest. They basically said, "I'm still hurting over my ex, but you're hot, so I'll totally do you, as my physical needs aren't being met on the regular anymore."
So what’s the easiest way to avoid being seen as a pig? Go easy on your delivery. Throwing in something like, "But I'll hook up with you," makes it seem like you're doing her a favor. Saying something along the lines of, "I just got out of a relationship; I'm just looking for something casual right now," is sufficient. She'll get the idea -- trust me.
One final thing to remember is that if you do want just sex, it's not only about you. There is another person involved and there's expectation there.
I've gone along with guys who just want a causal, friends-with-benefits thing, and it winds up being all about them and their needs. That's really not okay. Reciprocate.
Newsflash: Hooking up is not just about your penis. Yes, I know there are sexually selfish women out there, too. That's also not okay. I find that one-sided sexual activity isn't much fun.
It's so much hotter when both people are enthusiastic about pleasing each other. Again, there's no need to resort to tricks and schemes to get what you want. Just talk about it.
For the love of all things good, do not use text abbreviations.
If you're using text messages or emails to communicate, do not use text language. I know, I know; it's 2014 and text lingo is becoming more acceptable, but when it comes to dating, it should be outlawed.
I don't know about you, but when I get a message that says, "BJ and u may get something l8r," I feel like I'm back in eighth grade chatting on AIM. Put in a little effort; I want to hook up with a man, not a perverted boy.
Photo via We Heart It