How To Be The Most Hated Single Girl On Thanksgiving
If you're an unmarried, fierce, wild, independent entity like me, you're probably dreading the idea of having to force yourself into "cooing" over your annoying cousin's basic engagement ring this Thanksgiving.
You're also probably shuddering in agony at the idea of having to participate in small talk with your family members about what preschool they should enroll their precious babies in.
Normally, I'd advise you to just slug back the wine and meditate your way through this Thanksgiving hell. I might even tell you to force your lips into a smile because you know it only happens ONCE a year and it's FAMILY.
But due to the tragic conditions of the current world, I'm going to advise you to take a radically different approach.
You just don't feel like faking it this year, do you? So, I'm here to help you, my beautiful, darling babes, RUIN Thanksgiving 2016.
Call me the Thanksgiving Grinch (clad in a gaudy, possibly fake vintage Chanel necklace), and I'll take it as the highest compliment, baby.
Because, with my advice, you'll be the most hated (and most envied) girl creature at the table.
Sure, your actions might ruin Thanksgiving for a few basics in your family, but you'll make it awesome for your closeted gay cousin who will see you as his hero from here until the end of time.
Here's how you can ruin Thanksgiving if you're single, fabulous and fed up with faking it:
Show up late and buzzed.
Nothing pisses off a table teeming with pregnant women and babies more than you showing up 30 minutes late, buzzed off champagne.
Stroll in and say, "Oh darling, darling! I'm SO sorry I'm late. My life is so stressful! It's hard to be a single girl with zero responsibilities, isn't it?"
Show up with professionally blown-out hair.
Not only are you clearly buzzed and complaining about your wildly stressful, child-free life, but you're also sporting a fierce, fresh blowout.
While everyone else has frizzy hair because they've been locked inside stuffing a turkey for 12+ hours, your hair will shine like a freshly polished Chanel handbag.
Everyone secretly hates the girl with the best hair, so show up with the best hair ever.
Loudly and passionately talk about politics.
Do it anyway.
Wear an edgy, slutty outfit.
Wear something women who are trying to act like Mrs. Perfect Stepford Wife would never have the balls to wear.
Something a little slutty, like a red, satin onesie with no bra.
While you're at it, make it obvious you're wearing no bra. Because you're just so free and liberated and braless, baby.
Talk about how untethered you are.
"Oh, well you know I really HAVE NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK, so I'm thinking about taking a three-month trip to Bali to, you know, find myself."
"That, or I might just go to Vegas with this hottie I met last night at the bar."
"The world is just teeming with so many crazy opportunities. It's stressful. What do you girls think? Vegas or Bali? My life is hard."
Answer every question with brutal honesty.
Everyone is going to expect you to be fake because, well, it's Thanksgiving, baby. We're supposed to grit our teeth and suffer through the endless condescending questions.
Not this year, honey. Because we're fucking it up! Can I get a YAS, QUEEN?
Let's role play...
Condescending Cousin: "So, have you met anyone lately? I mean you're 30 years old, it's getting time."
You: "Actually, I'm sleeping with this really hot fireman, but I'm totally using him for sex."
Condescending Aunt: "So, have you thought about freezing your eggs? You've been single for a long time."
You: "I would actually prefer to spend the $10,000 it costs to freeze my eggs on a big, massive donation to Planned Parenthood. Plus, I don't know if I want to have my own children. I want to adopt."
Condescending Family Friend: "Is it lonely in New York?"
You: "Yes, it's fucking lonely sometimes, but I'm strong enough, unlike YOU, to handle it. I'm living in New York because it's the only place my dreams will ever come true, and I can battle through it. But hey, not everyone is strong enough for a town like New York."
Oh, honey, you got this. If you're really suffering through Thanksgiving this year, message me. I'm right there with you, baby. I'll be sabotaging that shit three states over.
Because you know what? Thanksgiving is for US, too. Why do we always have to fake it?
Screw it, let's be our bad selves, and if our families can't handle us in our most authentic form, that's not our problem.