So, you had sex on the first date.
Maybe you got a little too drunk, or you let your vagina do too much of the talking, or you just wanted to freaking get laid. Whatever the reason, you're probably hearing your mother's voice inside your head telling you that you gave away the milk for free, and you're feeling a little bit annoyed with yourself for your decision. Right?
I get it. Women are given such mixed messages about sex. Our culture objectifies and sexualizes us to no end, but then, we're scolded when we actually want to be sexual on our own accord. It's a really complex, confusing environment to grow up in.
Even the most self-assured, strong-willed, feminist women sometimes can't help but think "oh, sh*t" after having sex on the first date. It's a natural response to something you've been told all your life you shouldn't do.
If you, like lots of women, are freaking out a little bit about having sex on the first date, here are some things to remember to calm you down:
1. You Are Not A Slut
First of all, the word "slut" is so grossly early 2000s. But it's still a huge standard by which all women judge themselves, so let's start here.
Some woman have chosen to own the word "slut" as part of their identity because it makes them feel like they're taking back control over their sexuality. Some women don't really feel comfortable doing this. Both are fine!
Either way you swing, please understand that you didn't do anything wrong by having sex on the first date. You simply did what you wanted to do, and that's awesome.
In fact, in a culture that demands so much of women, feeling self-assured enough to live your life in the exact way that you want to is an extremely freeing, powerful position to be in. You should actually be really proud of yourself for taking full control of your life and just going for it. That's pretty boss.
2. Your Vagina Is Not Your Only Appeal
This one is extremely important.
Think about the implications of that old school expression all our moms drilled into our heads: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" It implies that your worth lies in the sex you choose (or don't choose) to dole out. And once you have sex, your purpose is served. No need for you to be around any longer on a more permanent basis.
UGH. That is SO WRONG. It makes my heart hurt that any of us ever thought it or continue to think it. Sex is the tiniest percentage of what you have to offer a guy. What about your amazing personality? How caring you are? Your sense of humor? Your emotional support? The great friends of yours that could become his friends, too?
If you think about sex as part of a long, never-ending list of things you have to offer your guy, it becomes way less of a big deal that you offered it on the first date. You have so many other things left to offer. Some, you'll offer a little earlier, and some, you'll hold off on.
So you offered sex a little early. Who cares? Sex doesn't have to be this huge deal. It can just be.
3. He Had Sex With You On The First Date, Too
This is so simple and so obvious, but so easy to forget.
Are you judging him for having sex with you on the first date? I bet you're not. I bet you're only judging yourself, right?
It's vital to recognize this pattern of thinking. Why do we hold women to a different sexual standard than we hold men? Why is it that when women have sex on the first date, we're the ones who "give it up" to the guy? He's not "giving it up" to us, is he? No, he's not. Men never are, because only women are judged by the amount of guys we give access to our vagina. Our vaginas are precious gifts that we must safeguard.
Meanwhile, men are encouraged to do whatever they please with their penises. When men "give it up," so to speak, they become even more of a man.
None of this is fair. Even worse, it makes women feel bad about themselves for doing something that human beings have a very natural inclination for. Which brings me to my next point!
4. You Are Allowed To Want To Have Sex
Remember this. Never forget it. Write it on a piece of paper, and tape it to the side of your bed, so you look at it every night before you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up.
You are not a bad, dirty person for wanting to have sex whenever you want, however you want, and wherever you want, even if it's on the first date.
There is no right or wrong way to have (consensual) sex. There is just sex.
5. The Right Guy Will Not Judge You
Think about the kind of guy who won't want to see you again after you have sex with him on the first date. He's the kind of guy who believes that a woman's worth exclusively lies in her vagina. He believes you offer him nothing but a warm hole.
If a guy doesn't text you ever again after you have sex with him on the first date, he only wanted sex in the first place. He wasn't in this for the same reasons you were. Either that, or he's the kind of ass backwards, sexist lunatic you don't want to date anyway.
It's better off that you found all of this out sooner rather than later, when your feelings for him have developed more. Now, you can move on to find a guy who isn't the worst! You're in a great place.
6. You Are Not Your "Number"
Let's say this guy never texts you again. Now, your "number" has increased by one, and you feel like have nothing to show for it. Plus, because men understand so little about the clitoris and what makes sex enjoyable for women overall, the sex also sucked. Just a huge waste all around.
Here's the thing: You don't have to tell anyone your number. Only you have to know it (if you keep track, that is... which many of us do). And if you start judging yourself for your number, remember point #4: You. Are. Allowed. To. Want. To. Have. Sex.
Sex is not just something that women give to men. Two people benefit from sex (well, ideally). The more you start believing that sex is something you're entitled to as well, the more you'll start prioritizing your enjoyment of it. You'll start demanding that the men you get in bed with learn where the clitoris is, so that you can have a good experience, too.
Then, if this ever happens to you again, at least the sex will have been good, and you'll feel like you have something to show for the increase in your number.
Now, if he never texts you again, but the sex was great, you should be pumped! You had great sex! Do you know how rare it is for a young woman to have an enjoyable experience the first time they have sex with a new guy? Very rare. Like, virtually nonexistent.
So even if this accidental one-night stand increased your number, bask in the memory of getting a good lay. You're way ahead of everyone else, trust me.