One time, I fell off the bed while drunkenly having sex, and the guy promptly got up and left my apartment without saying a word.
The worst thing was that my front gate was locked, so he couldn't get out. I saw him waiting outside, and I had to peel myself off the floor, wrap a sheet around my body, and let him out.
What I'm saying is this: Sex is already confusing as it is. There are juices and sounds that you can't control and often don't intend on making.
So, in an attempt to make an already awkward act even more uncomfortable, here are 7 uncommon sex positions to try out with someone that are absolutely not confusing!
JK, these are for insane people.
1. The Handstand
I learned about this position from Cosmo's "Sex Positions for Every Mood," but I don't know what mood I'm supposed to be in to try this one. Nostalgic for when I used to do handstands as a child?
Your man stands against a wall while you do a handstand (but more like a shoulder stand) in front of him. Then, he enters you from behind. The man gets all the support of the wall and gets to stand there chillin', while you have to pretend you're a gymnast for however long it takes for him to come.
This seems like a totally normal and logical way to have sex, and would not be at all awkward if your roommate walked in on you doing this.
2. The Wheelbarrow
I learned about this position in gardening class. Talk about a green thumb! Ayyyyy!
Actually, no. It was from an article that probably should've been called called "Sex positions Ali Segel is absolutely not qualified to try."
According to Men's Journal, you get on the ground with your legs in the air, similar to the intimate object often used for gardening — a wheelbarrow — while your boyfriend (or one-night stand or whoever — you're a modern, sexually liberated woman!) walks you around the room while having sex with you from behind.
Good for sexual relay races? I don't know. You do you!
3. The Lap Dance
So, according to Cosmo, in this insane acrobatic feat, the guy sits on the chair while the woman sits on top of him, riding him. Normal so far.
However, there is one extra step — she puts her legs over his shoulders, he puts his hands on her ankles to support her, and then she leans back.
It's probably best not to do this on a bean bag chair or a chair with wheels at the bottom. Also, it might be weird to do it on a throne? Or maybe you do want to do it on a throne. Do it on the throne from Game of Thrones! Fun.
Side note: You might want to wear a helmet in case you fall off the chair and hit your head on any tables in close proximity. It would be so embarrassing if you cracked your skull open and started bleeding while you were trying to pleasure and impress your man!!!
4. The Sexual Dirty Dancing
Your partner is standing. He lifts you, but instead of facing him, your back is to him.
It's kind of the position someone takes when they are about to throw you into a pool, but instead, he is throwing you onto his dong over and over again.
Maybe you can do this while you're in a pool if you don't care about getting a horribly painful urinary tract infection? So basically, do this in a pool if your boyfriend is the heir to a cranberry bog/cranberry juice empire.
5. The Superman
You lie half way on the bed with your feet dangling off the side, for this position.
Actually, I can describe it better. You plank on the bed, with your feet erect mid air. Because if there is one thing I love doing, it's planking. It is very easy to achieve orgasm while planking. Right, ladies?
Then, your partner, as per usual, enters you from behind. Why do all these positions involve your partner entering you from behind? #ForHisPleasure
Definitely find me in the bedroom NOT trying out this position!
6. The Bridge
Woman's Day suggests some great sex positions if you feel like targeting some key muscle groups for a maximum workout while having sex. Great for all you CrossFitters out there! You can get some protein shakes after. One drink, two straws.
For this one, your body is basically in the shape of a bridge (no sh*t), with your hands and legs lifting the rest of your body off the bed. Then, your partner spreads your legs open and has sex with you.
But hey, this can also work if the man is in a a bridge, and you sit on him and ride him. However, I would call this position "the human scale," because the whole time, I would just be thinking to myself, "Am I about to break this man in half?"
Either way, if you are over the age of 25 and having sex in this position, someone is going to throw their back out.
7. The Butter Churner
If you google "uncommon sexual positions," this one is bound to show up.
In case you feel like entering an Amish Paradise, sit on the ground with your legs over your head. Then, your partner sits on top of you, like a chair (or butter churner) and moves up and down for penetration, as if he is... churning butter.
I had no idea how to even comprehend that there was a sexual position called "The Butter Churner," so I included a video of a Weird Al Yankovic song to help calm you down.
So next time you want to spice things up in the bedroom, why don't you try one of these positions out for size.
Or, just have normal sex. Because porn has completely ruined sexual expectations, and you absolutely do not have to be an acrobat in the bedroom, OK?