If there's one relationship that will define my 20s, it will be my relationship with dating apps. I've downloaded and deleted every love-finding app there is more times than I'm willing to admit...
OK, fine, I'll tell you how many: I've erased and re-made my Tinder profile 17 times.
Online dating isn't always a disgrace. I met some awesome guys from swiping right — guys like "You'll Never Believe This Trick" Rick, who was a magician and did card tricks our entire first date. We never went out again, but I did see him at a wedding once, where he was hired to entertain the guests during cocktail hour.
Most of the time, though, I've found myself on first dates so stomach-turning and hopeless that on my taxi ride or solo-walk home, I would swear off using dating apps for the foreseeable future.
With the combination of deleting and re-downloading dating app after dating app, all my friends constantly getting engaged, and my Jewish mother asking me why I wasn't, I had to figure out ways to find love IRL when online dating failed me again and again.
That's why I tried these seven odd things on my personal quest toward finding the one... or just someone.
1. I went to a matchmaker.
I scored a free session with a NYC matchmaker who sat me down and asked me a list of questions about what it was I was looking for in a potential partner.
They were the kinds of questions I never really thought about (ideal height, salary, hobby, etc.), so I just said whatever came to mind first. When I left there, I realized I had described a guy who had the personality of Jack Black and the looks of Ryan Reynolds.
The guy she ended up matching me with had no personality, which made me think I should have taken the question session with the matchmaker more seriously.
2. I had my mom take over my dating app account.
After rolling my eyes at my inbox of J-Date messages, I handed over my username and password to my mom. She fully took over my J-Date account for a couple of weeks, messaging guys and answering their messages for me.
She set me up on a date with a guy named Jonathan. Our date lasted only 15 minutes because we got into an argument about ObamaCare, and he got up and left. That was when I changed my password and let my mom go as my dating manager.
3. I tried to get my eggs frozen.
I know getting my eggs frozen seems like the opposite of doing something IRL to find love, but the doctor who gave me the consultation, instead, gave me dating advice.
He told me I was too young to get my eggs frozen (I was 27), and rather than spending thousands of dollars doing that now, I should take my money and time and invest it in dating. So I listened to him and downloaded Tinder (for the 15th time).
4. I went out on set-ups.
When online dating doesn't work, it's best to try to go out with people you meet offline. That's why, in a month's time, I said yes to every single person I knew who wanted to set me up on a date.
I even had an aunt who offered to set me up with a guy, who she admitted was a cousin of mine — a third cousin, but still a cousin. So that's when I decided I would no longer agree to being set up on dates.
5. I tried blindfolded speed dating.
My friend dragged me to a blindfolded speed dating event, where every two minutes, a new person sits in front of you (while you're blindfolded), and you chat with them. You have no clue what they look like, which is scary, but also refreshing because you are solely falling in love with their voice, what they're saying and the smell of their breath (ew).
I found one guy who sounded cool, and when we took our blindfolds off, he looked cool, too. We went on one date afterward, and all he talked about was science, a topic that instantly makes me snooze.
6. I tried out for The Bachelor.
I figured, if you can look for love on a computer screen, why can't you look for it on a TV screen. So I decided to try out for The Bachelor.
I didn't get very far.
During the interview round with producers, I rambled on about how I've read Cather in the Rye 16 times and how alligators are my favorite animal. I sounded like a complete weirdo. Once the interview was over, the producer also told me that the whole time I was on camera, I had lipstick on my teeth.
7. I messaged my pre-school crush.
What is Facebook for if not for reconnecting with a guy who kissed you on the check in pre-school — pre-cooties?
I casually reached out and asked if he remembered me. When he said he did, I then asked if he waned to give our old fling one more shot. But that's when he got confused and stopped responding to me via FB chat.
So then, I asked him if he remembered how we were co-line leaders in pre-school and how he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said no, that he is now happily married, and that I really need to seek help and move on.
Maybe he's right. Maybe all of the weird things I did IRL to find love were just things I did to force myself to move on from the bad online dates I went on.
But either way, they got me off the couch and let me take a much needed break from swiping right, left, right, left, all day and every day.