How To Get Over Someone Who Cheated On You & Broke Your Heart Into A Million Pieces
Once you've come to the conclusion that the person you love has cheated on you, there are no doubt tons of things running through your mind. Who was it? Why did they do it? Do they still love me? Do I still love them? Where do we go from here? Of course, every person and relationship is different — it's up to you to decide if you want to take back someone who has betrayed you — but if you decide to end it and want to know how to get over someone who cheated on you, you're not alone. Many people find the prospect of taking back a cheater too tough a pill to swallow — and quite frankly, who could blame you? — so the only other option is to let them go.
Once you've made the decision to let a cheater go, then the next step is moving on. I'm not gonna lie to you: Getting over someone who cheated on you isn't easy, but it is necessary. At some points in the process, you may even be tempted to take them back, just to avoid the pain of confronting what they did and the fact that it cost you your relationship. You absolutely shouldn't guilt yourself over the complex stages of grief brought on by a cheater.
I can promise you that, with the right attitude and a lot of patience, you will come out of this messed up situation so much stronger than you were before.
1. Don't Blame Yourself
Cheaters really are the worst. Nothing has the power to undermine someone's confidence like infidelity. Unfortunately, so many people who are victims of cheating fall into the trap of feeling like their partner's infidelity was somehow a reflection of their inadequacy. Rarely do I use the word never, but please believe me when I say that this is never true.
Here's why: People who cheat do it for many different reasons. Just about every one of those reasons is a reflection of something they were feeling. Having feelings, whether those feelings are boredom or dissatisfaction in the relationship, is totally understandable, but they owed it to you to do their best to communicate those feelings to you. If they did communicate and things didn't improve from their perspective, then they could have ended the relationship, but they didn't. They made the decision to selfishly pursue their own needs above all else.
Cheating is never the fault of the faithful partner; it is a deliberate action carried out by people who, in many instances, were too cowardly to deal with the underlying issue head on, whatever that may have been. Cheating was their decision, and the ramifications of that decision are also their fault.
2. Get The Closure You Need
This part of the healing process can be so painful that I almost left it out. But as someone who has so much trouble letting go, I think it is strangely the most important.
Closure may come in the form of a dozen different things; every person is different. Some people may feel desperate to know the details of the transgression(s) (i.e., who, what, when, where, why). I happen to be one of those people. I can tell you that scheduling a time to talk, whether that be over the phone or in person, to get the answers you need is absolutely necessary for some people. If you don't cope well with emotions, it may be better to give yourself some time to simmer before asking these questions; otherwise, things could get very ugly. You also have to accept the fact that what they have to say may be neither the truth nor what you want to hear, so try your best not to obsess over the details. Other people may simply want to hear the other person explain why they did what they did.
For some, the idea of seeking closure through examining the details of a partners transgression is completely out of the question, and please know that this is completely OK. If you'd rather stay in the dark about the specifics of the infidelity, then the best course of action is to immediately remove yourself from any situations involving your ex that aren't necessary to the breakup, and make your ex aware of your wishes.
3. Cut The Cord
Once you've gotten the closure you needed, cut the cord completely. No social media attachments, no nothing. Why? Because regardless of what comes spewing out of their mouth, they made their decision when they decided to do something that they knew would hurt you.
People who love you may unknowingly do things that will hurt you from time to time, but anyone who does something this devastating and deliberate wasn't thinking about how it would affect you (which is unlikely), didn't care about how it would affect you, or decided that their needs in that moment where more important than your relationship. All of these reasons are equally bad and, in my opinion, they make these types of people toxic for you to be around.
What is going on in their life needs to become the furthest thing from your concern. This is a difficult step that many will struggle to abide by, but it will make the healing process a lot faster.
4. Allow Yourself Time To Mourn
Cutting someone out of your life is difficult, even if you can muster the strength to go cold turkey and eliminate anything that might trigger you (i.e., gifts, photos, clothes). You just can't erase some things, like the park where you had your first kiss or the way the color of their hair changed when the sun fell through it. This is why you owe yourself some time to mourn the loss of the person you thought you knew. Cry, scream, shout, or start kickboxing so you can pretend to kick the sh*t out of them three times a week. Whatever you need.
Remember the good times, but again, don't forget that they made their decision, and you deserve someone who's going to put you above the prospect of fleeting pleasure.
5. Let Go When It's Time To Let Go
The mourning period can vary drastically depending on the person, the length of the relationship, and the details of the infidelity. Ideally, over time, the pain will melt away. Maybe not completely, but enough for you to look back at it with some semblance of peace over how things played out.
This doesn't mean that you have to forgive them, but this does mean that you're not allowing what they did to define you and take up too much of your mental or emotional space. Scheduling time to engage with the situation can be a good way of limiting how much time and energy you let yourself put into wallowing. You may not always be able to follow the schedule you've set for yourself, but by trying your best to compartmentalize, you are making sure that this bad situation doesn't wreck havoc on other aspects of your life.
Sadly, their actions made it clear that they weren't the person for you. And if you think about it, it's so much better that it happened sooner rather than later because now you can focus on working on yourself and, when you're ready, building something new with someone who's worthy of your love.
6. Don't Look Back
Once you start to notice you're feeling better, however long it takes, you may feel tempted to check in on your ex, whether through the friends you have in common or, worse, if you run into them while you're out and about. Don't do it. I repeat: Don't do it. There's a pretty huge chance that this will set you back some steps in the healing process.
Remember, things happened the way they happened and no amount of shoulda, coulda, woulda can change that. Although I can't promise that you will ultimately be able to completely forget what they did, I can promise that no matter how upset you feel in this moment, you can experience love again. Don't let the decisions of one person stand in the way of you opening your heart to someone else in the future.
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