If you want to talk to your ex after a breakup, then you can send these texts.
8 Texts You Can Send Your Ex After A Breakup If You Wanna Check In

If you're comfortable sending your ex a text, then here's what to say.

Originally Published: 
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Breaking up is hard to do, especially if you still care about your ex. But not every breakup needs to be a bad one. Even if you’re the one ending the relationship, it’s normal to have residual feelings for your ex, especially if you were together for a long time. If you’re wondering how they’re holding up — whether you were on the giving or receiving end of the breakup — sometimes it's OK to reach out and check in. But how do you know what to say after a breakup? The best after breakup text messages tend to convey empathy without pity, care without romantic love, and concern without hovering.

Of course, it’s super important to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and think about how you would feel if they reached out to you. As Break Up Bestie founder Kendra Allen tells Elite Daily, it may be better not to text your ex at all, because “regardless of what side of the break up you were on, you either owe yourself space or owe the other person space.”

Relationship coach and podcast host Trina Leckie agrees, saying that “the sooner you go no contact, the sooner you can both start to heal and move forward.” However, she adds, “If you need a couple things cleared up or if you need your things, sure, text the next day.”

So, if you feel the need to talk to your ex, you might as well do it right away. The problem is coming up with the right things to say after a breakup. To help you get started, here are some post-breakup text messages to send your ex, depending on your situation.

If You Broke Up With Them & They Took It Poorly
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"Hi [Ex's Name]. I hope you're feeling better today. I'm sorry for the way things went down yesterday, and if you still want to talk, I'm willing to listen. Take care."

If you broke up with your ex and they disrespected you for it, do not feel obligated to reach out. In fact, never feel obligated to reach out no matter how they took the breakup! You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but if the breakup ended with them confused and in tears, a text offering them the chance to talk through it might allow them to have the closure they very much need.

However, Leckie does not “recommend this, because it just keeps reopening the wound, even if not intentional.” While you may want to make it clear you’re leaving the door open for them to have closure, Leckie says it may come across “insincere” or “annoying.”

If You Broke Up With Them & They Took It Well

"Hi [Ex's Name]. Thank you for hearing me out yesterday. I wanted to know that I really appreciate the way you handled our conversation and I'm thankful for what we had when we were together."

Again, you don't have to reach out to your ex if you don't want to. If the breakup was amicable, and they seemed OK at the end of it, it might feel like talking so soon after ending the relationship is too much. Plus, if your relationship didn’t leave you feeling very thankful (like if they weren't supportive or didn't treat you well), you absolutely do not owe them anything.

But if your gut tells you your text would do more good than harm, and it was a good relationship while it lasted, let them know you appreciate their maturity and understanding. It's always nice to know that someone you care about deeply admires the way you handle yourself.

If Your Breakup Was Mutual

"Hey [Ex's Name]. I'm really glad we talked yesterday. I think our conversation needed to happen and I'm thankful we're both on the same page. How are you feeling?"

Asking your ex how they feel the next morning might not be a great idea if you know you broke their heart. But if the breakup was mutual and you ended the relationship as friends, it might be nice to check in and see how they're doing. Chances are, they'll feel better, just like you probably do.

However, if the breakup was mutual, but the relationship was really, really difficult to end (like a long-distance relationship, for example, or a situation where you're in love with each other but need more from the relationship), checking in might allow you both to talk about it further and reevaluate if you need to.

If You Had A Horrible Fight

"I'm sorry about how I expressed myself yesterday. I think it was a conversation that needed to be had, but I feel I went about it the wrong way. I hope you're doing OK today, and if not, I'm willing to talk about it further."

This one is tricky. If you had an awful fight where you said nasty things that you didn't mean and you feel like you need to apologize, then texting is a good way to do it. If they said horrible things to you, then you shouldn't feel like you have to reach out for anything. In fact, they should (hopefully) be the one doing the apologizing.

If mean words were expressed on both sides, maybe space is the best option, considering your wounds are likely still fresh. Only reach out if you feel like you owe them an apology or if you're genuinely concerned for your ex.

If They Ended It With You & You Took It Poorly
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"Hi [Ex's Name]. Thanks for your honesty yesterday. I'm sorry about the way I handled it, but I felt very strongly for you, and I wasn't ready for this to end. It was tough, and I hope you understand."

This is another tough one. If they broke up with you and you unleashed the fighting words, apologize only if you think it's warranted. You don't have to if they broke up with you in a cruel way. You don't even have to, period.

But if you're a little ashamed of how you acted, messaging them might be a good way for you to peacefully close that book.

If They Ended It With You & You Took It Well

"Hey [Ex's Name]. I'm glad we talked yesterday. Thanks for being so honest. I hope you're happy and that we can still be friends."

Of course, don't say you hope to stay friends if you don't actually want to stay friends. If they ended the relationship, but it wasn't a total blow for you and you want to keep a line of communication open, by all means, reach out if you want to.

But if you put on a brave face for the breakup and you're still emotionally reeling from it, maybe it's best to take a breather and avoid texting them. There is no shame in doing what you need to do in order to move on, and if texting your ex the day after they break up with you is going to help you, then text away.

If You Felt Blindsided & Need Clarity

“Hey [Ex’s Name]. Can we chat for a bit? I understand if you need some space, but I still need closure and I do have some questions for you."

If you were at all blindsided or confused by the breakup, it's OK to reach out for some closure. If you feel like they need some space, maybe right away is not the time. However, you were also a part of that relationship and deserve to understand what really happened when the time is right for both of you to talk.

Just be sure you make it clear that you’re in no way trying to reach out to rekindle anything or drag the situation out. You just need some clarity for yourself, so you can properly move on.

If You Realize You Left Something At Their Place

“Hi there. I realize with everything happening last night, I left something at your place. I can come pick it up later today, if that works for you?

Sometimes, there aren’t things left unsaid, but items you forgot to take back when a relationship ends. If there’s something you can’t live without that you left at your ex’s place or they left something you know is important to them, you can reach out to make it right.

Leckie says that if you’re the one texting, then you should be the one to offer to pick it up or drop it off. You also want to set a date right away, because any back and forth will just prolong the hurt even more.

Breakups are never one-size-fits-all sort of deals. Every situation is different, just like every relationship is different. Whatever you decide to do, take the entirety of your relationship into account. Was it great? Was it horrible? Did you fight all the time? Did you see the breakup coming? Do you think the two of you are better separate than you are together? These are all things to think about, but the main thing to keep in mind is your ex and what exactly reaching out to them would do for the both of you.

Even if it would make you feel better, don't reach out if you know it would make your ex feel like you're ripping their heart out of their chest or if they've expressed that they don't want to talk to you. Breakups are emotionally exhausting, so take it one day at a time, and keep in mind that the first day is always the hardest. It will get better, I promise.


Kendra Allen, founder of Break Up Bestie

Trina Leckie, relationship coach and podcast host

Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.

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