How To Get A Guy To Talk About His Feelings, According To Experts
If you clicked on this article, you're probably dating/seeing/smashing someone whose feelings are hard to read.
You might be wondering if your new boo is into you, or just trying to get it in. You could be trying to figure out if he's breadcrumbing you, or if he's actually grappling with commitment issues due to his parents' recent divorce.
You probably want an expert to give you a concrete answer to un-complicate your overactive mind. Yes please, same, that would be great.
Well, hold onto your panties, because Elite Daily consulted two dating experts on the matter and here's the deal: There are no subtle tricks to get your guy to reveal his feelings.
This isn't Hogwarts; this is modern love. If I listed a bunch of magical "tricks" for you to follow, we'd all feel a little icky, and we'd all be being a bit dishonest.
But before you get bummed and @ me, I'm not just going to leave you hanging. This is actually a good thing.
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz puts it very simply: "If an 'expert' is offering you 'subtle tricks' to 'get your guy to reveal his true feelings,' that expert is doing you a disservice."
Hashtag realness that I find very refreshing. Katz says, "Men are not puzzles to be solved. We're people, just like you."
I love this because it's really true and it's really simple. If you aren't sure how your partner feels about you, zoom out. You are one half of this relationship/hook up/slampiece situation. You have equal parts power as your guy, so you don't need to resort to vague tips and trickery.
Do you want to know how to get a guy to reveal his true feelings? There are two things within your control, according to Katz:
"Choose a guy who values communication and likes sharing his feelings."
So simple. If it's important for you to know how your partner feels about you, you need to be with someone who is open and honest.
It sounds easy, but society doesn't encourage men to share their feelings in the same way that it encourages women to. That said, if you want a communicative partner, then you need to seek one out.
Katz explains, "If you choose a guy who doesn't value communication and doesn't like sharing his feelings, you'll always be dissatisfied." Again, I dig how simple this is.
If your current guy is Pisces-level introverted and avoids the relationship conversation each time you bring it up, then maybe he isn't for you.
But how do you know if your guy values communication and feelings-sharing? According to Katz, it's kindergarten-level easy to tell: "Talk with him and see if he values communication and likes sharing his feelings." Oh, duh. Lesson: Don't overthink it.
But what if he's quieter about his feelings when it comes to articulating them? Does that mean he doesn't have them?
Therapist and relationship expert Anita Chlipala explains that you don't need to "next" him off the bat. She says, "If someone is consistently in contact with you and making themselves available, it's a sign that they are interested in you, even if they don't verbalize it."
We all have different love languages. So your guy might not confess his deepest, darkest secrets to you on the first date, and that's OK. (It's actually probably very healthy.) According to Katz, there is something else you can do if you are unsure how your guy feels about you:
"Give him time to reveal himself."
So maybe your man isn't the most open book, but rather than look for ways to trick him into sharing what he's feeling, stay patient.
Katz explains that "authentic vulnerable people reveal more of themselves over time. They do not respond to 'subtle' forms of interrogation based on fear. Sorry." No apologies necessary. That makes perfect sense.
And while you probably weren't planning a full-scale interrogation of your man, it is important to respect that your partner might have a different "openness timeline" than you do. Maybe you're super comfortable saying "I love you" early on, while he needs to take more time with the sentiment.
Chlipala recommends, "If you want to share your feelings, do it, but try not to take it personally if your partner isn't in the same place as you." This doesn't mean he's a f*ckboy who's going to ruin your life; it just means that you operate at different paces.
Chlipala also mentions that it's important for you to acknowledge what you value: Would you rather avoid the possibility of rejection and play it safe, or let someone know how you feel about them with no regrets? "That way, no matter what the outcome is, you can be assured that you took action aligned with your values," she says.
The unknown can be excruciating, so if you are having sleepless nights over where the relationship is going, get real with your partner and bring up the conversation. If you are jumping the gun, wait it out for a bit.
Katz says, "Instead of trying to read the last page of the book to see if it has a happy ending, try reading the book, page by page, to see if you like it."
In other words, keep calm and date on.
But if your gut tells you he's not changing anytime soon and you need a more open partner? Trust it. Break things off and start revisiting things with the guy you told him not to worry about. You may just be looking for a different kind of relationship than your current bae can give you right now.