Obsessing Over Being 'Alpha' Is The Most 'Beta' Thing You Can Do

by Alexia LaFata
Boris Jovanovic

I'm a flawed human being. I can be stubborn and insecure and a perfectionist. I have a skin condition that leaves me with rashes all over my body that never go away, and I'm an open wound with feelings that uncontrollably spill out of me no matter how hard I try to bottle them up.

Despite how objectively uncool these things probably are, I think they make me interesting. In fact, I think flaws in general make people interesting, and I think anyone who pretends they don't have flaws is really boring.

But this whole "alpha" and "beta" rhetoric is trying to convince men otherwise.

I have a brother and tons of male friends, so I know a good amount about the beta male and how you guys are supposed to avoid being him AT ALL COSTS. However, I wanted to see for myself how the culture is telling you to behave, so I did a quick Google search of "beta male." And, wow.

I found dozens of websites written by ALPHA MALES who try to tell guys how to be more ALPHA in order to GET GIRLS. On one website called Alpha Male Lifestyle, some dude decided that beta male qualities like "is afraid to take risks," "seeks approval," "lacks confidence," "avoids confrontation," "gets jealous easily," "tries to be a perfectionist," and "is sensitive to criticism" are not OK for men to have if they want to be appealing to women.

Well, um, all right. That really sucks. If you're, like, a human and stuff.

Let me back up. There's nothing more unattractive to me than a so-called "alpha male" who has his shit together all the time.

Wait, let me rephrase that: There is nothing more unattractive to me than a so-called "alpha male" who APPEARS as though he has his shit together all the time.

Nobody actually has their shit together all the time. We're all humans, and part of being a human means that you have fears and insecurities and self-doubt, and you "seek approval" and you "try to be a perfectionist" and you're "sensitive to criticism," which means you do not have your shit together all the time. Any alpha males who say otherwise are lying.

Please, please, please stop falling for the idea that women want the hypermasculine, hyper-confident, inhumane, unemotional alpha male. I only want that guy for the amount of time it takes to maintain witty banter about surface-level, irrelevant bullshit.

And then I'm going to get really bored of that, and I'm going to try to look for something interesting about him.

Like, was he a fat loser in high school? Is there something about him that nobody can ever make fun of because it'll hit him that deeply? Does he live in perpetual fear that he is unlovable? Does he bottle up his feelings when he's upset until they explode in fits of anger? Does irrational jealousy ever get the best of him?


Because I do. I sure as hell have flaws. And the alpha male pretends he doesn't have flaws, which disturbs me, a human with flaws. The alpha male fears humanity in himself and in others SO MUCH that he will not only reject the existence of his own humanity, but he will make me feel awful about MY humanity.

Do you know how many times I've wondered if a guy likes me for who I actually am, or for my tits and ass? A guy I once believed loved me thought I was ignorant and immature and cringed when he read my writing, yet kept me around for three years anyway, probably because we had great sex and his friends thought I was hot.

I've been made to feel like a crazy bitch for displaying literally any semblance of feeling, and I've witnessed countless men make countless other women feel the same.

Try being a woman and navigating your own existence and asserting your authority as a person without someone telling you to shut up. It's exhausting.

But anyway, that's what alpha males do. They accept humanity in neither themselves nor in those around them, so they view women as silent, pretty vessels into which penises enter, and who'd better not have the audacity to have opinions or emotions or display an ounce of imperfection.

So if you want to contribute to the silencing of women, be a piece-of-shit alpha male. But in the end, you will lose. Because alpha males who pretend they aren't humans make ME feel bad for being a human, and I don't want to spend time with someone in front of whom I can't display my imperfections.

I mean, shit. What woman wants to be with a guy who makes her feel THAT much pressure all the time?

I don't want a guy who I'm scared is going to judge me for my skin condition or who will think I'm crazy if I feel insecure or obsessive about my work. I want a guy who understands where I'm coming from because he has a hairline he's self-conscious about and he has lashed out because of irrational jealousy before and puts unrealistic, perfectionist pressures on himself at his job, so he gets it.

It sounds insane, but women really, truly want to be with human being.

Yeah, I know. Take a second. Let that sink in.

The best part about all of this is that, deep down, the alpha male "gets it," too. He has also dealt with the types of insecurities that I'm talking about. Underneath his false display of confidence and his seemingly impenetrable exterior, he is actually a BETA MALE. Because all a beta male is is a HUMAN with FLAWS.

The real alpha males are the ones who are not afraid to embrace their flaws. Because I love your flaws, and I know there are tons of other women who feel the same.

I love the part of you that is afraid to take risks, seeks approval, lacks confidence, avoids confrontation, gets jealous easily, tries to be a perfectionist and is sensitive to criticism, because it's the part of you that gives ME permission to also be those things. It's the part of you that reminds me that you're a real, complex person, so I'm allowed to be one with you, too.

If you're going to obsess over something, obsess over trying to be real. Not the empty shell of a man you think you're supposed to be.