If you dug through my drawers right now, you'd be swimming in a pool of secure, typically snug boxer briefs in an array of black and blue.
Basic, I know, but they hold everything together, coordinate well with most of my outerwear and are tight enough that I catch myself staring at my ass just about every morning.
To me, they're perfect. To guys, I need to be more adventurous.
Up until recently, my underwear selection was relatively mundane.
I'm a pretty fashionable guy, but when it came to selecting undergarments, I didn't put much thought into the articles of clothing that were not at the forefront of my daily outfit.
Sure, when it came time to ~strip down~ for someone else, I made sure not to sport anything with rips, holes or cartoon characters, but rarely did I take into consideration what they thought of me based on my selection.
(Wait, what? I don't have underwear with cartoon characters, that'd be crazy and totally not hot at all...)
Shouldn't they care less about the wrapping and more about the package itself?
The last two gentlemen lucky enough to get in or around my skinny jeans called out my boring undie choices, and recommended I purchase something that "popped."
You know, something with ~flair~.
That's when I realized, underwear has way more of a purpose than just everyday functionality.
When I'm getting dressed, my underwear preferences need to tell a story unique to my own personality. After all, boxer briefs may come in packs of three, but each person who chooses to wear 'em is different.
So, I decided to do some investigative journalism to find out what each kind of underwear says about a guy's personality. (And by investigative journalism, I mean I thought of these ideas all on my own and they are perfect and definitive, sorry 'bout it.)
If you encounter someone wearing this baggy excuse for fabric, odds are he's still not old enough to drink or at least has that mentality.
Boxers were all the rage years back, but now, they're a poor excuse for underwear that get bunched up in just about any pair of pants you decidedly wear.
For some, they're a go-to. But for me, they say the guy still needs to get his shit together.
You need more stability in your life. And your crotch.
Boxers mean he needs more stability in his life. And his crotch.
A man's equivalent to wearing lingerie.
Since it aims to boost their bulge and draws eyes directly to their perky ass and smooth thighs, odds are the wearer has thrown them on for a specific reason.
This guy may be a tad full of himself, or at least has a mission and he's set on accomplishing.
A typical brief-wearer may not be the one you bring home to meet the parents, but realistically, he can most certainly get it.
Briefs mean he's not the one you bring home to meet the parents, but he can most certainly get it.
A staple in my wardrobe, the boxer brief represents a classic feel and comfort.
The guy toting these is a goddamn gentleman, inclined to pick up the check and hold the door open with no hesitation. The binding nature of this pair may give off more of a tame side, but that's not to say they avoid danger altogether.
Realistically, he's probably more of a lover, not a fighter.
And I'm not about to complain about a man who gives good cuddles.
Boxer briefs mean he likes to cuddle.
The only man who had a free pass to wear these is Bryan Cranston, and with “Breaking Bad” at its completion, even he's no longer the exception to the no tighty-whities rule.
No self-respecting man who hopes to get laid will put these on, And if you happen to encounter one, I suspect he's yet to discover a Macy's, Marshalls or any store that spits out underwear by the dozens.
Wish him well, but run away immediately.
Tighty-whities mean you need to run away immediately (but wish him well).
A jockstrap, mankini or any type of undergarment that features extremely minimal fabric falls under questionable territory.
If he's from Europe or an athlete, he may get a free pass. But otherwise, it's hard to determine if he's a freak, or just really, really likes the breeze.
Jockstrap means he's really into breezes.
If I'm balls out, chances are I just got out of the shower or I haven't done laundry in weeks.
A man who goes commando in the confines of his own home could be seen as a regular Joe who can differentiate between casual life and work life (and isn't necessarily looking to exclude sex appeal at that given point in time).
Now, if you intentionally leave out underwear when throwing on a power suit for your 9-to-5 gig, that's just plain weird.
You're acting a little sloppy, its downright unsanitary, And that can resonate in the way you portray yourself.
Commando means he's sloppy AF and UNSANITARY.
In conclusion: If you wear tighty-whities, fuck you.