Election Night 2016 is the ideal night to meet the love of your life. And I'll tell you exactly how to do it because that's my style, kittens. I live to find you love.
Let's backtrack. I can't quite believe it's real, but oh girl, it's realer than real, honey: Election Night is finally happening. The wildly anticipated voting selfies have been uploaded. We (finally) voted, bitches.
After what's been the most excruciatingly painful election season (probably to ever go down in history), it's all coming to a CLIMAX. And within the next 24 hours, we're (hopefully) going to know who the next President of The United States is going to be.
I'm feeling very emotional about the whole thing.
Let's get real: You'd be a straight-up sociopath if you didn't feel massively emotional about tonight. Our fundamental human rights, our democracy, the integrity and general shift of our beloved country is at stake.
Our fundamental human rights, the integrity and shift of our beloved country is at stake. Tonight.
For the last six months, my jaw has been tense and my eyes have been bloodshot from this electoral nightmare.
But you know what? That's why tonight is your night to finally meet your soulmate.
Truth: There is a hidden beauty hiding in the darkness of our pending fear. Fear makes you vulnerable, so does anticipation, ladies. We're not in control, and whether we like it or not, our guards are down.
You're actually in an amazing place to find love when you're so vulnerable and your feelings are so wildly heightened.
So, here's what you need to do tonight in order to find The One...
Go to a place where those who voted for your chosen candidate will be huddled together to watch the results.
If you need to avoid Trump supporters like the plague, you literally run zero risk of running into one at a gay bar — even if you're as straight as an arrow. (Unless they're part of that bizarre #Twinks4Trump movement, but no one takes them seriously anyway).
On the other hand, if you're voting for Trump, I don't know... go to a shooting range or somewhere, maybe?
I'm not well versed in where Trump supporters hang out, but I think you're pretty good to go at a place that allows guns or one of those old-fashioned country clubs that doesn't allow gays, Jews or black people.
Once you've picked a safe space, head to the bathroom and take 10 minutes and sweetly comb your hair. Put on some patriotic, fierce red lipstick, and get ready to meet your political soulmate. (Everyone looks good in a bright red. I like MAC's Ruby Woo.)
I also recommend lining your eyes with black, waterproof eyeliner to highlight your expressive eye-rolls (and waterproof because you know you're going to cry tonight, girl).
Why? The eyes are the windows into the soul, and your soul is going to be on ~fire~ tonight. Eyeliner will ensure your soulfulness is seen by all the gorgeous single, likeminded entities in your surroundings.
Now that you're comfortably settled in your seat for the night, you're going to see you're in a very, very lucky position.
You're in a prime place to meet a life-long partner. Every single person in the room has core values that are in line with yours.
Because this election is very much a direct reflection of core values. It won't be like all those Tinder dates during which you silently wondered how the stranger sitting across from you felt about abortion.
You will have a nice baseline of where everyone stands on all the pressing social issues that are usually relationship deal-breakers.
I want you to take a deep breath and let yourself feel empowered by the fact that in this room, you're with people who feel as strongly about gun control as you do. Finally!
Let the beauty of being surrounded by like-minded spirits fuel your sexuality and grow it to new heights. Take in the special energy in the room, and walk with your head held high, lady.
After all, this is a night that will go down in history.
Let the beauty of being surrounded by like-minded spirits fuel your sexuality.
Next, you need to find someone you think is cute — whether it's a girl, a boy, a trans person or a gender-neutral person, it really doesn't matter to me. You do you.
The brilliant part of election night is all of the colors of the rainbow will be out (no pun intended) and about.
Everyone is heated up and into talking tonight (even shy people like me), so sidle your way up to the person who has caught your eye.
Don't waste time, just go right in with the best pick-up line to ever exist in the great expanse of the universe:
"So, what issue is most important to you in this entire election?"
This will tug at the heartstrings of every person who is out tonight. Because these issues are emotional as hell.
Even the most calm creatures could spew a righteous monologue about women's rights, the economy, racism, immigration or gun control tonight.
And we are our very best versions of ourselves when we're speaking straight from the heart — tears of passion gleaming in our eyes as we passionately belt out the issues THAT MATTER TO US THE MOST.
And unless they're madly narcissistic, they'll probably ask you the same question in return.
You can launch into your gorgeous, impassioned speech about whatever hot topic makes you feel the most feelings, and whomever you're talking to will be all fucking ears.
Because nothing is more fascinating than a woman who speaks her glorious mind.
In a matter of minutes, you will have established a deep connection with this person. It's not the typical "do you like vodka" bar talk. You will have revealed a part of your raw self to them, and vise versa.
And then, you'll be watching the results come in together.
Watching the polls is an emotional roller coaster with dramatic highs and epic lows. Let them be there for you.
Let yourself indulge in the beautiful comfort of having someone on YOUR side calming you down. I mean, after all, isn't a relationship a give and take?
The more you stop trying to be so poised and cool and really get into it, the hotter and fiery you will become. Your passion will be contagious, so really set your inner animal free tonight.
The next thing you know, you'll both be screaming and sexual and intellectual tension will be swirling around you guys like a volcano.
And right before the final results come in, you can hold hands like the contestants on "The Voice" do when it comes down to JUST TWO.
And, and, and... your candidate, she wins, baby! It's like you and this stranger have gone through a political war together.
You've been through the craziest feels together on a fall night that will go down in American history. You're bound for life.
How cute will it be to say to your future grandchildren, "We met on Election Night during the dark year of 2016"?
And if your candidate loses, you can cry together. You can bond over your loss and your trauma and lament over what's to come. You can even plot your move to Canada together.
Regardless of which way you swing, what a great start to the world of love.
It's like an effing modern day fairy tale, kittens, with all the necessary love ingredients: a historical night to tell the grandkids about and wild passion in the face of defeat or victory. All great relationships must start with epic drama.
All great relationships must start with epic drama.
And that's exactly why tonight is the night to adorn your lips with your best American red lippy, put on your navy pantsuit and paint your nails bright white.
Strut out to the election party of your choice with the inherent confidence that you will find your soulmate on this intense fall evening.
After all, you have that fresh, "I Just Voted" glow about you, which makes you even more beautiful than you already are, sweet kitten.
And if you don't find love tonight, just remember, I love you.