I like to consider myself the Michael Jordan of dating apps.
I'm just really good at selling myself to random dudes online. My best guy friend actually met his current girlfriend because of a Tinder profile I set up for him. I picked his photos, wrote his bio and everything.
Hopefully, all that good karma I racked up will pay off one day.
I do well on Tinder because you only need to engage someone with your photos and a witty one-liner. It's easy.
On OKCupid, however, I have to put a lot more effort in to writing about myself in various sections ("My self summary," "What are you doing with your life?", "Message me if...").
I'm drawn to OKCupid for this very reason. I'm in the market for a serious, long-term relationship now, so learning more about the person before messaging them ultimately saves me effort and energy.
My issue is I don't usually take myself seriously in my profile. And that can come across as not wanting a serious relationship, which is definitely not the case.
My profile used to be full of only rap lyrics and comedy references, and while it got a lot of cool, funny guys to message me, they weren't exactly in it for the long run.
Just because I don't take myself seriously doesn't mean I don't want a serious relationship.
So I decided to delete my profile and start off fresh. It was a challenge, but I tried staying true to myself with the jokes and music references.
I was happy with the result:
I thought maybe I would stop getting shitty openers or straight-up insults like I always get, but nah. Guys still suck even after you put in hella effort into your profile.
Guys still suck even after you put in hella effort into your profile.
Don't believe me? Well, here are nine of the most cringe-worthy OKCupid messages I got even after making my more ~serious~ profile.
(Note: This is only my 25-day-old OKCupid profile. I had my first one for three years before this.)
1. I didn't talk about sex at all in my profile, but whatever, I guess.
When you're making your profile, OKCupid gives you a set of questions to answer, as well as a personality graph based on your responses.
My personality graph says I am "more kinky" than most, but that's clearly not the only point of note on my profile. As you can see, I don't even mention sex in my bio.
So when this message came two days after making my new profile, I was frustrated as hell.
PSA to guys: Don't open your conversation with sex if the woman you're messaging doesn't mention sex in her bio.
PSA to girls: Don't be like me and respond to messages like this. It's a waste of time.
2. Do we? Do we?
OMG, you're totally right. We do have to meet. BRB, on my way.
Oh, wait. You no longer have an account. OK.
Guess I really don't have to do anything. But thanks for your input, Mikenycity.
3. West (New York) Side Story.
I really hate when guys comment on my height as an opener. I own a mirror and look at myself only a thousand times a day (I swear I'm not a narcissist), so I'm very aware I'm short.
When people say my height is "cute" and "adorable," I literally feel like a 12-year-old child. I'm 22. Excuse me, but I'm not tiny and adorable... I'm tiny and fucking fierce.
Similar to the "kinky" point, my height is such a minuscule detail on my profile. Opening with it is not going to warrant a reply.
Side note: Did you guys know that West New York is actually a place? Yeah, me neither.
4. I looked in the mirror... Now what?
I'm an angel coming down from the heavens, y'all. That's why I'm spending the holidays alone.
Saying any guy would be lucky to be with me is kind of like saying I'm too pretty to be online dating. It's a backhanded compliment.
I'm sure this guy had good intentions, but the execution is way off.
5. Uh, none of your business.
If my parents ask, yes. I am, in fact, the Virgin Mary. Minus being pregnant. And also the virgin thing. It's a Christmas miracle!
When guys ask me questions out of left field like this, I come up with an answer they don't even know how to respond to.
I'm going to tell myself this beautiful reply is what got user ForbiddenLoev to delete his account. It will help me sleep at night.
6. Spoiler alert: I didn't like it.
Well, there goes my lunch.
7. He's feeling ~kinda naughty~, so that totally makes being weird OK, obviously.
Let's just forget this guy can't differentiate "too" from "to" for just a moment.
He's impressed with me and wants to witness my beauty on Skype? What does that even mean?
Actually, I know exactly what it means: You want me to be your cam girl.
But if you wanted me to be your cam girl, you probably should have offered me $4,000 a month like that other guy.
Also, he can't even differentiate "too" from "to."
8. It's just how he feels.
You know how I feel? Sometimes I feel like crying for a whole week while eating pizza and ice cream, but I don't just say it to random people on the internet. Wait a minute...
I also don't see why guys keep telling me "I'll like it." Excuse me, strange man. You know my name, not my story. Don't assume you know what I like. You don't.
Also, I'm not going to give out this guy's profile because it's still active and I'm a good person, but suffice it to say his username included the words "fill you up."
And to that, my response still stands... Gross, dude.
9. I was wondering if you could stop.
OK, I have to admit: Joe, you're not half bad. This is my public apology: Sorry I was kind of being a bitch.
But in my defense, I've put a lot of time into the creation of this profile. To completely disregard the amount of times I say I'm looking for something long-term is just a little irritating.
There are millions of people on OKCupid. You could have definitely messaged someone who checked off the option "casual sex" as something they're looking for. The app gives you this option, and it is an option I did not choose.
I know there's much more where these came from, and it's super annoying to have to deal dozens of stupid messages day after day, but I suppose I knew what I signed up for when I opted to use dating apps.
It's aight, though. Someday, my fresh prince will come.