Why You Need To Stop Judging Your BFF For Going Back To That Toxic Guy
So, your best friend is talking to that douche lord again.
Whether he's the guy who strings her along without ever committing to a relationship, the guy who will commit to a relationship only to cheat on her a million times or the guy who just bails on her time and time again, you can't even begin to understand why she would bother going back to him.
You can't yell at her again because you've already yelled at her so many times.
And you can't ice her out, either. You tried that, and it lasted about four minutes before you started missing her too much.
You can't tell him to stay away from her because you tried that, too, and it just backfired.
SO WTF ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?
Are you supposed to sit back and relax like some sort of innocent bystander as you knowingly watch your best friend walk straight into a horrible, toxic ditch?!
Well, I'm here to tell you: Yes, that's exactly what you're supposed to do.
If the guy is physically abusive in any way, this is a totally different story and you need to take action immediately. But under any and all other circumstances, it's really your job to support your friend's decisions.
As her best friend, I'm sure she takes how you feel into consideration when she decides whether or not she's going to respond to that text Mr. Douche Lord sent.
But, if she listens to what you have to say and still chooses to go back to him, it becomes your job to sit back and support her decision, even if it kills you.
The last thing she needs to worry about right now is you being mad at her.
She's already dealing with her feelings for this jerk who she knows is stringing her along. The last thing she needs on top of all the drama and heartache is her best friend being mad at her.
Trust me, she's already mad and embarrassed at herself. Deep down inside, whether she admits it or not, there is a part of her that realizes she could do better than him.
And you've already voiced your opinion. She knows you think she deserves better, so there's no need for you to come in now, just to add insult to injury.
You have no idea what goes on between them behind closed doors.
You only know what she tells you about the relationship.
Sure, you've spent some time with them as a couple, but think of your own relationships, too. Do your friends have a thorough feel of your relationships based on the few snapshots they get from hanging with you and your BF at the bar?
Nope, didn't think so.
She sees something that you'll never understand, and that's OK.
Here's another thought: He just might not be your type.
Maybe you've hung out with him a million times and feel like you know him better than you know your own brother. Maybe you've tagged along with them on a trillion dates.
And after all that time spent together, let's say you STILL can't stand him.
Since best friends oftentimes have a lot in common, obviously you'd assume the two of you would have the same taste in guys.
But the bottom line is, in this case, she doesn't agree with you. She's still her own person and sees something in him you don't and maybe never will. And that's OK. Let her live.
Even though you don't remember right now, you've been exactly where she is.
As close as you are to her, you're still outside of her relationship. And yes, this gives you a bit of an advantage.
You can look at his actions and their relationship as a whole from an objective point of view, untainted by any sort of feelings for him.
So of course it's going to be easy for you to call him a dick, tell her to stop talking to him and move on the minute he bails on her for the millionth time.
But you have to remember she still has romantic feelings for him holding her back.
What's an easy way to keep that in mind? Remember that you've been there yourself.
It's easy to forget about those times and judge her for her feelings, but I'm willing to bet, at some point in your friendship, the tables were turned.
You just wanted them to listen and be there for you. So do the same for your best friend.
You were probably with a guy who, for some reason, you couldn't really give up hope on, even though your friends clearly saw him for the dick he was.
Did you want them yelling at you to dump him ASAP? No, you just wanted them to listen and be there for you. So do the same for your best friend.
She needs to get over him in her own time.
It would be so much easier for you to just spare her the pain and push her to cut ties with him right now before he does something really bad. But unfortunately, that's not always how these things work.
She needs to feel that pain of being disappointed by him that one final time if she ever hopes to really get over him.
Think about the guy in your life who strung you along. When did you get over him? Was it when your friends told you to get over him, or was it when he did something so painful, you just couldn't let yourself go back? I have a feeling it was the latter.
She needs to feel that pain if she ever hopes to really get over him.
It's so painful watching someone you love walk blindly toward that kind of heartbreak. But you need to let her learn this lesson for herself.
If you don't, she'll end up wondering what could have been if you hadn't interfered with her and the one who got away.
And who knows — maybe one day she'll date a guy you actually like.
But, until then, quit bitching about what you can't control and BE NICE.