"Ugh, Ryan got too drunk again last night."
"Ryan and I got in the biggest fight last night. I found out he still has Tinder on his phone!"
"I showed up for my dinner date with Ryan last night, and he just never showed up! He told me he forgot. What kind of bullshit is that?!"
Do any of these sound familiar? Yeah, I thought they would.
We all have different versions of the same relationship problems that we constantly complain about to our best girl friends.
On the flip side, here are some updates you probably never hear:
"Ryan got me flowers AGAIN this morning. Obviously, they were peonies, because he knows they're my favorite. He even attached a hand-written note about an inside joke from the night we met three years ago."
"Ryan came over last night when I was feeling sick and cooked homemade chicken soup for me while we watched romantic comedies all night."
"I can't stop thinking about Ryan today. I literally don't know how I snagged someone so perfect."
Honestly, we never really talk about the good stuff.
Sure, we'll mention a nice thing every now and again, but we all know the truth: Nobody wants to hear how awesome your boyfriend is all the time. It's just annoying. So, for the most part, you try to keep the nice stuff to yourself. (You don't want to be that annoying friend.)
Instead, you turn to your friends the minute your boyfriend drops the ball.
Well, while bragging about the nice stuff he does can come off as annoying, complaining about the bad stuff is juicy and interesting — not to mention, it's nice to have someone sympathize with you.
You want confirmation that your guy is in the wrong and you're right. Who better to turn to for that good, old-fashioned validation than your friends? You know they'll have your back.
So, when he gets too drunk the night before, you unload all of your pent-up rage on your best friend. You also vent about the time he forgot to show up for dinner, or when you found out he still had Tinder on his phone.
Literally, any time he ever messes up, your best friend is armed and ready for a Ryan hatefest.
So DUH, of course she's going to hate him. He's the one who makes her best friend this upset all the time. She's loyal to you (that's why you chose her as your best friend).
Then, when that time comes when you're contemplating a real breakup, she encourages you to just do it. "Enough is enough," she tells you.
You meet up with Ryan to talk about the other night, about how he got so drunk and how he really embarrassed you in front of your friends and family. And, well, he's really sorry.
In fact, he beats you to the punch.
He's already apologizing profusely for what happened. You tell him how much he hurt you, and he bursts into tears. He never wants to hurt you like that again.
He loves you, and you love him, too. This is the guy who randomly sends peonies with cute little notes to your house, and drops everything to come be with you during a family emergency.
He's also the one who forgave you when you got drunk and made out with someone else, and when you were too stressed at work and freaked out on him for no reason.
Of course you love him, so you forgive him. You air out all of your grievances, you make silly jokes, snuggle and make love all night long.
You're so happy, you feel like your heart could burst... that is, until you go to brunch with your best friend in the morning.
You have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know she hates Ryan. To her, he's the guy who made you cry yourself to sleep while she gave you two-hour pep talk a few nights ago. To her, he's not the guy who made you feel so happy that your heart could burst right there on-the-spot. He's the enemy.
To your BFF, he's the guy who made you cry yourself to sleep while she gave you a two-hour pep talk.
You muster up all of the courage you have in your body and break the news to her: You're staying with Ryan.
She gets mad at you for staying with a guy who treats you so terribly, even though you obviously deserve so much more. She asks you never to waste her time talking about him again if you're blatantly not going to take her advice.
You get upset, too. You're offended that she hates Ryan so much, because there's part of you that feels protective over him.
But the thing you have to realize here is that she only hates Ryan because you made her hate him. You complained about all of that stuff. You never mentioned the good stuff. So, OF COURSE, she thinks he's a horrible monster.
You have officially dug yourself into a pretty shitty hole. And honestly, it's going to be pretty hard to get out of.
But there is a way.
Your friend only hates your SO because you made her hate him. You complained about all of that stuff.
Next time you're dating any multi-faceted human being like Ryan — who is human, and makes mistakes — do yourself, your boyfriend and your best friend a GIANT favor and talk about the good and the bad moments in your relati0nship.
In fact, maybe try to mention a little more good than bad.
Hopefully, there's more good in your relationship to share anyways (if there's not, then you probably should be taking a hard look at whether or not this is a healthy situation to be in). Paint your best friend the full picture of who your significant other is, and don't be afraid to share the lovey-dovey stories along with the not-so-fun mishaps.
I promise, if your friend really loves you, she won't be annoyed by how much you love your boyfriend. She'll be happy for you. And happy you're with this guy, too.