Lately, the internet has been flooded with young writers talking about the epic ~bliss~ they're feeling now that they've moved in with bae — endless posts, status updates and lengthy conversations discussing mornings lying together in bed.
Oh, it's a blissful feeling to no longer live like a vagabond, carting your gorgeous designer shoes from Brooklyn to The Upper West Side to get to your SO's place. And that shower sex every morning is glorious.
The idea of moving in together is so innocently sweet, it's enough to make me want to spit my $10 kale, spinach and cayenne pepper cleansing juice right out of my mouth.
I don't have a palate for sweet things anymore because, baby, I've been burned by those seemingly sweet things.
Now, I've healed from the wounds, I have my own glorious abode and I can't imagine my life without it:
And moving in with "bae," as sweet as it seems, is not so simple. In fact, let me tell you: As a wise 30-year-old woman who has been there, done that and wrote the goddamn novel, I know better than anyone that it's the furthest thing from simple.
Sure, it's cute at first. But trust your lesbian big sister, Zara, when I tell you that living with your partner is no fucking joke — especially when you're in the throes of your 20s, the most harrowing decade defined by the deepest growing pains you'll ever experience (worst than adolescence).
So here are 30 reasons why you should never move in with your SO before 30.
1. You're robbing yourself of the glorious roommate experience. Even if you hate your roomies and want to throw them and all their belongings out the window of your seventh-story apartment, you will look back on the roommate experience fondly. Never again will you come home drunk, devour a pint of ice cream and fall asleep on the couch with your random roommate. Those are precious moments, and you'll miss them when they're gone.
2. You're also robbing yourself of the empowering experience of living alone. It's so important to know that you can live alone before you cohabitate with your partner.
3. You won't be able to do all the embarrassing things you can ONLY do when you're alone, like slug back hot chocolate and masturbate on the couch. You need to get it out of your system, babe.
4. You can't fuck up the bathroom as much as possible without another person getting irritated at you.
5. You won't be able to make your bae crave having sex with you for as long as possible.
6. In fact, bae won't even have the chance to miss you anymore. Now, at least you can give them the gift of not being able to see you all the time.
7. Before you're influenced by anyone else's tastes, you need to develop your sense of interior design. Until you've explored your true decorating aesthetic, you're not a fully-realized human being. And trust me, it takes decades.
8. Honestly, you're going to change SO MUCH in your 20s. I know you don't feel that way now, but who you are at 22 will be vastly different than who you are at 25. In a decade when your only constant is change, you're in no place to commit to living with your bae.
9. And, kittens, you're not special. You're not the one exception that'll change rule. If you don't change and evolve in your 20s, you haven't grown.
10. Your 20s are not a time for any "set in stone" commitment.
11. You need to have the freedom to feel unsure about your relationship, without the pressure of a lease on your mind.
12. Breakups are so direly awful, but breaking up with a lease is like getting a divorce.
13. And you're definitely not ready for a divorce.
14. You're too young, too fabulous and have too much life inside of you to start playing "house."
15. Babe, you still deserve to have some secrets. And all secrets get uncovered when you move in with bae.
16. There is really, truly NO REASON to rush anything. If you're going to be together forever, then forever is a long enough time. Give yourself some much-needed time for yourself, before you're bound to living with bae forever.
17. I promise you, you need to have time to do things alone in your 20s — self-reflective things, like journaling, having meltdowns on the couch, talking for hours with your mom and writing lists about all the things you want to accomplish in your life. When you move in with someone, it becomes almost impossible to have that safe space.
18. Living together makes you argue like an old married couple, which can be cute and charming. But you're not old or married, so don't rush into that phase.
19. You really, truly, honest-to-god don't know someone until you've lived with them. You might realize you can't stand the person you're with, but you'll be trapped in a complicated lease. And those adult problems aren't the problems you should be dealing with in your 20s.
20. You should be focusing on regular 20-something problems, like where you're going to move next, what your next career move is and WHO ARE YOU really?
21. Nothing kills the honeymoon period like moving in with someone. You'll want to stretch out that glorious honeymoon phase for as long as possible.
22. It's kind of fun to argue about whose place you're going to that night. Plus, you get acquainted with different neighborhoods and places you would never normally go to. DO YOU THINK I WOULD EVER GO TO THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT IF IT WASN'T FOR BAE?
23. I don't know one couple in their 20s, whether they stay together forever or not, who don't have passionate, epic fights. You need a place of your own to cool down after.
24. Why rush? You have the rest of your life to live with your partner, but you only have this decade to create your own crazy space.
25. You need to host girls nights at YOUR PLACE, with champagne, mud masks and cigarettes. When you live with bae, you'll lose the opportunity to host those kinds of in-your-face girls nights, where you all bitch about the world incessantly.
26. GIRL, you need to build up your wardrobe shamelessly in your 20s. Whether bae is a girl or a boy, you will undoubtedly argue about how much closet space you take up, and you will be pressured to get rid of some star items in your vintage coat collection.
27. Bae doesn't need to know how you spend your money just yet. Bae will try to help you "budget," and that's something you need to learn how to do on your own.
28. Honestly, you should never move in with someone because you'll cut the rent in half. I know it's tempting. Dear God, do I know. But it's not a reason to move in together.
29. You need to learn to kill that fucking spider by yourself. It will make you a stronger, better person. Trust me.
30. Most importantly, you need to learn how to sleep alone. You need to know you can pay the bills without being reminded. You need time to figure out the intricacies of adulthood on your own. You need to learn how to put together IKEA furniture on your own, which is obviously a metaphor for many other things YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT.
Otherwise, you'll end up in a codependent relationship, and codependent relationships are definitely not the end goal, sweet kittens. So listen to your big sister Z. She's made this mistake, not once but TWICE, and she wants better for you. Message me if you have to.