I’ve had my fair share of batsh*t roommates.
First, there was the girl who’s boyfriend thought it was funny to lock my cat in the bathroom overnight without food, water or access to her litter box.
Then, there was the girl who passive-aggressively sent Snapchats of how "someone" moved her Chinese takeout in the fridge.
There was also the guy who liked to eat me out while I was on my period. He lasted two months before I asked him to move the f*ck out.
Seeing as I have the worst roommate luck known to mankind, I’m thoroughly fed up with being nice.
I would (probably) never do any of the horrible things below. But, sometimes, I'd love to give my past roommates a taste of their own medicine.
If you've had bad luck like me, you should give one of these a try. You know you want to.
1. Use her towel to clean up the mess after your DIY bikini trim.
When she asks why there are little hair follicles on her pristine white bath towel, blame it on the dog.
2. Take all the Advil and Pepto and stash it in your room when you know she’ll be hungover.
Trying to figure out whether you need to sh*t or vomit yourself into oblivion makes you stronger.
3. Hog the bathroom after she ate Taco Bell.
Just make sure she doesn’t sh*t in your shoe, “Broad City” style.
4. Switch the labels from her vegetarian stir fry to your week-old pork lo mein.
Bonus points if you can convince her the pork is actually tofu.
5. Drop orange food coloring in her sulfate-free blonde shampoo.
“You’re starting to look a little brassy, babe."
6. Leave your naughtiest underwear around the house in the hopes her boyfriend will find them.
Say hello to the most awkward holiday present of all.
7. Leave your vibrator on every time you leave the house.
Pro: Your roommate will think she’s f*cking crazy. Con: Your vibe will run out of battery real quick.
8. Compete with her every time she has sex.
Who's having more fun now, bitch?
9. Take her favorite bag, splash a sh*t ton of paint on it and give it to her as a Christmas present.
“But, it’s a work of art? You don’t like it?"
10. Hide her keys in the fridge, “find” them, then ask her if she “needs help.”
This is a study in "how to force your roommate to go to therapy 101."
11. Convince her there’s a ghost.
Tell her it lives in her closet.
12. Tell her you killed the roach. But really, you let it live.
Wait for the freak-out when she finds it chilling in the living room.
13. Replace all her Sprite with seltzer.
“Girl, you shouldn’t be drinking soda, anyway!"
14. Drink out of her vodka stash and replace it with water.
When she asks why it tastes weird, convince her it’s all in her head and it tastes fine.
Next, suggest AA.
15. Leave clumps of random, wet hair all over the bathroom.
She'll be super grossed out or think they're spiders.
16. Change your alarm to the sound of orgasms.
Convince her you're just having tons of mind-blowing sex.
17. Make an Excel spreadsheet detailing all her bathroom habits.
Then, demand she pay up for using more toilet paper than you.
18. Leave anal beads all over the house.
Kudos if they haven't been cleaned yet.
19. Lace her tea jar with weed.
Or do it to yourself. Whichever.
20. Replace her stash of condoms in her nightstand with a statue of the Virgin Mary.
If "Sex and the City" taught you anything, it's that you don't f*ck with a girl's right to safe sex.
21. Watch "Snakes on a Plane" really loudly right before she has a flight.
Also, watch "Titanic" right before she goes on a cruise.
22. Light all her fancy-ass Diptyque candles when she's gone.
Okay, now you're an actual monster.