Why You Should Never Trust A Girl With No Girlfriends

While the women on “The Bachelor” and “Real Housewives” series are usually wrong about a lot of things, they are right about one: Never trust a girl who doesn’t have girlfriends.

Girlfriend-less women are a special breed of female. They have a twisted sense of loyalty and never make genuine connections, which can be attributed to their manipulative or self-absorbed nature, or both. To put it bluntly, there’s a reason these women don't have any friends.

When it comes to a woman like this, when even her own kind can’t deal with her, you have to take a step back and ask yourself, why? It can’t be that every girl she’s ever encountered is evil and “doesn’t get her.” Rather, there’s something profoundly suspicious about this female who so strongly repels other women.

As Hebrew Scripture says, “Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,” but what about someone who has no friends? What shapes her? There’s a fundamental piece missing.

Before we delve into the realm of girlfriend-less women, it’s important to first distinguish the difference between a girl who has no girlfriends and a loner. Whereas a loner has no friends because of the personal choice to be alone and miz-understood, a girl without girlfriends lacks them because she sucks on some level (but, of course, if you ask her, she’ll just proudly say she “doesn’t get along with girls” as if “getting along with only guys” is some kind of superior feat).

Whom does this girl go to for womanly advice? Could this void be the root of her problems?

Maybe she just needs a fellow female to tell her she’s being a total c*nt, and girls aren’t the problem; her attitude is the problem, or whatever. Like, LeAnn Rimes, for example, would really benefit from having a lady friend who can say, “LeAnn, you publicly f*cked over another woman, and now no one trusts you.”

Behind every girlfriend-less woman is an egocentric maniac who eats friendly women for breakfast and has no qualms about destroying the bonds of sisterhood. Here are three major types of girlfriend-less women who should never be trusted:

The Girl Who Always Has A Boyfriend (…because she’s lost all her girlfriends [implied])

This type of girlfriend-less woman is pretty easy to break down. You can’t trust her because she’ll tell her boyfriend everything. She doesn’t understand one single rule of Girl Code like, "Don’t announce to the entire room that you’re giving me a tampon right now, just do it."

This girl spends about 97 percent of her time with her boyfriend and the other 3 percent is split between letting out her sh*ts and changing her overnight bag. What I haven’t figured out yet is if the boyfriend-of-the-month actually enjoys spending that much time with one person as much as she clearly does. Is he the male version of her? The guy without guy friends?

I’d also like to point out that you shouldn’t believe the eternal-boyfriend-girl when she offers to set you up with her boyfriend's friends. She’ll just ignore your reminders and you’ll start to feel desperate when it was really her idea to begin with.

The Girl Who Only Has Guy Friends

This girl might be in the negatives when it comes to girlfriends, but she’s definitely got a surplus of guy friends, as she makes so apparent by her hanging out with them 24/7. She’s the girl who opts out of the summer share-house by using some whack-ass excuse like, “I don’t want to deal with girl drama.” Huh? Pretty sure none of us girls are causing trouble, and it’s you who brings the drama that you so openly admonish.

The girl who only has male friends is missing the vital gene that enables women to bond with women, and for this, we are wary of her. Moreover, she leaves us feeling weird when we approach her with level-two innocuous girl talk, such as “Beyonce’s Spiderman cage outfit at the Grammys was seriously sexy. I would make out with her and then runaway with her body.” Her response is always this nonchalant soul-crusher that leaves you dumbfounded like, “She’s also the face of Pepsi, the sugary, calorie-laden beverage that’s responsible for the obesity epidemic.” Okay, we’ll just go f*ck ourselves, but know that this is one fewer girlfriend gained on your roster of potential gal pal candidates.

Also this: Don’t try and warn your guy friends about her when she comes in and scoops them away from you. She blindsides men with her fake chillness, alluring façade and ability to fit in just-a-little-too-well with the guys. Let them find out for themselves how terrible she is once she either f*cks them, or f*cks them over.

Not too be way harsh, Tai, but we’re glad you stick with the dudes because you are a toxic human being.

The Girl Who Is A Serial Flirt

Any woman who puts down another woman for attention is insecure, and that pretty much sums up why this girl is sans lady friends. She’ll blow up your spot to a room full of guys faster than she calls “shots” on a man at the bar.

This girl even has the audacity to “claim” men as if she walked in with an agenda that had "nail down this guy" at the very top. I’ll be the one to tell you right now: Slow. Your. Roll.

What did this girl really do wrong, though, to lose her girlfriends besides steal all of their crushes? If you ask her former friends, they’ll blatantly tell you she f*cked all of them over; if you ask this girl in question, well, she was “just being herself.”

And this, my friends, is why the Kristen Cavallaris and the LeAnn Rimeses of the world will never have girlfriends; they always choose dicks over chicks.

Photo credit: WENN