The Real Reason He's Always Been An Ass Man And He'll Probably Never Change

It was a first date, if you can call it that. Basically, we both knew we were going home together.

I was already five gin and tonics in. I felt brazen and bold as I asked him the only question on my mind.

“So, are you an ass or tits guy?"

"Ass," he confidently replied with a laugh.

I wasn’t surprised.

Nearly every guy I’ve ever drunkenly posed the question to had the same answer.

It wasn’t for lack of trying — trust me, I am blessed in both departments — but in my experience, guys tend to gravitate towards my ass.

When I asked my female friends about the phenomenon, they were just as dumbfounded as I was.

“Maybe because that hole is tighter,” one friend offered.

“Two words: Nicki Minaj," another countered.

In short, no one had a clue.

Sure, 2015 was the year of the butt, but when did boobs become second fiddle to the power of ass?

I needed to research.

A large tush means you can carry babies.

Adult Sex EdIf you took your typical high school Sex Ed class today: http://elitedai.ly/1PkGwjI via The Elite Daily Show exclusively on go90 Posted by Elite Daily Video on Wednesday, November 4, 2015

 

Everything somehow trails back to evolution. This is no different.

As David Buss, a University of Texas at Austin psychology professor, explained to Men’s Health, guys are all about the ass because it means you are carrying enough fat on your body to become pregnant.

Plus, if your heinie is round and firm, it probably means you’re young. Young, as we all know, means you’re more likely to be fertile.

Baby, he’s more into your back.

According to a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior, your back is another factor drawing men to your donk.

As if you needed another thing to be insecure about, the 300 men surveyed claimed the curve of your back is a factor in your attractiveness. Specifically, a 45.5-degree curve.

Dr. David Lewis, a psychologist at Bilkent University in Turkey, explained in a Daily Mail story that men who like large butts might actually be more into spines.

He said:

Men may be directing their attention to the butt and obtaining information on the women’s spines, even if they are unaware that that is what their minds are doing.

I guess Sir Mix-a-Lot was really onto something.

Ass men are usually dependent and neat freaks.

Before you get all anal in the comments, hear me out. Research backs up the hypothesis.

According to a study among 95 male college students in the '60s, those who reported to be into booties over boobies were characterized by a need for order, neatness and organization.

It's been a while since this particular study was conducted, but the characteristics can still be applied to men today.

The study also found those who preferred the buttocks tend to be business majors.

Funnier still, they are seen to be dependent and “given to self-abasement."

On the contrary, guys who are into breasts are more likely to read sports magazines and be exhibitionists.

Looks like we just created your new favorite bar game, ladies.