He was running late.
I hate waiting at a bar by myself. It’s a surefire way to get unwanted attention.
“Bella? From Bumble?" I hear a voice call out.
He was standing behind me, all six feet of him. He had the jawline of a Disney prince, cool blue eyes and rumpled dark brown hair.
He was probably out of my league and I was totally willing to take advantage of his oversight.
He sat down next to me, placing his jacket on the seat behind him. He briefly glanced at the drink menu before ordering a — wait for it — mojito.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against mojitos. You just don’t order them on dates.
Mojitos are the classic douche boy drink of the early '00s. Not only are they entirely dated, but they're also just weird.
My mind jumped to how he’d be later that night, if we ended up going back to his place.
Because he'd been living under a rock since 2001, he probably thought 69 was still a mutually satisfying position.
Needless to say, his drink of choice wasn’t making him look good.
Sorry, dudes, but ladies watch what you order at the bar.
For us, it's an indicator for how you'll treat us during the real happy hour.
If he’s into whiskey sours, he’s all talk.
It’s one thing to order a whiskey neat or on the rocks, but a guy who has to mix the good stuff is probably just a p*ssy.
This kind of gent orders whiskey to “look cool,” not just because he likes the taste.
He’ll try to pick you up at the bar by talking about his ritzy apartment and making not-so-veiled comments about his massive junk.
When you eventually go home with him, you see he actually lives on the sixth floor of a walk-up apartment he shared with four roommates. His so-called "massive" dick also resembles a pig in a blanket.
Ladies, run and keep running.
If he orders scotch neat, he knows his way around downtown.
Guys who drink Glenlivet are old souls.
They can handle a “grown up” drink. They can also handle you in the bedroom.
A man who’s sipping at his scotch isn’t looking to get drunk, so he’ll be pleasantly buzzed by the time you get back to his apartment.
He is also refined enough to know the difference between each brand of scotch, which means he's well-read. He's learned the importance of pleasing you at some point down the road.
Open up for this dude, ladies. It's worth it.
If he’s a gin and tonic man, he’s about as adventurous as a doorknob.
Guys who are still on the gin and tonic vibe haven’t grown up much since college.
He’ll say he’s all about getting wild between the sheets, but his two favorite positions are missionary and girl-on-top.
Doggy? He’ll spend 20 minutes trying to position himself into the right hole. Anything else is simply too next level for the poor guy.
If he’s into tequila, he’s probably a total jackrabbit.
Fact: Tequila exists with the sole purpose of getting you plastered. If he’s downing Don Julio, his signature move is “wham, bam, thank you ma’am."
If you’re into getting drilled, he’s the guy for you. If it takes a little more work for you to get your just desserts, all this guy will do is make your bed creak and your vagina hate you forever.
If he's a vodka soda dude, he cares more about how his abs look than if you’re satisfied.
Vodka sodas are the drink of choice for dieters.
If he opts for one, it's not because he genuinely loves vodka. It’s because he’s concerned with how his arms look flexing over your head.
There's nothing wrong with the guy, really. Besides, if you’re on top, he’ll be too transfixed by the sight of you bouncing around to worry about whether or not his abs look airbrushed.
Long Island iced tea man? He’s probably a virgin.
What guy drinks Long Island iced teas after graduating high school? They were the drink to get when your fake ID actually worked because they sounded fancy enough to not raise brows.
Now, he’s an adult. His drink probably means he's only had sex with his right hand.
If he’s into his Corona and Heineken, he's probably never given an orgasm.
Your cooch is as mysterious as Atlantis for this guy.
You'll have an average time, but there’s nothing adventurous about him. He won’t flip you over, nor will he be fast or slow enough for you to feel good.
Going down on you? Yeah, okay.
If he’s into small microbreweries, he’ll stop at nothing to please you.
Guys who prefer niche beer made by breweries you've never heard of pay attention to detail.
They also love women. They'll work you in a way that will always leave you coming back for more.
This type of guy won’t rest until he gave you eight orgasms in a row. He will eat you out when you’re on your period. No matter what your sexual fantasy is, he’ll make you believe it's worth fulfilling.
Don’t be creeped out by this guy’s eagerness. It’s so worth it.
If he’s a high-class red wine kind of lad, he’s bossy in a good way.
If he’s ordering the $300 bottle of Pinot Noir, he’s suave as sh*t. He knows how he likes his wine, just like he knows how he likes his women.
In bed, he’ll tell you exactly what he wants. You won’t even realize he’s being a dominant asshole until he’s f*cked you seven ways to Sunday. And you’ll love it.
If he’s into white wine, he’s probably a serial killer. Or married. Or both.