Venus Goes Into Retrograde This Weekend, So Get Ready To Look Ugly AF

by Rosey Baker

Venus, the planet of love, goes into retrograde this weekend, and everybody is talking about how it will affect our love lives.

But, Venus is also the planet of beauty, and when it goes through a slump, so do our looks.

That's why we rounded up some things to avoid when Venus goes into retrograde.

And look, if you do decide to be the master of your own life and test the boundaries of the all-powerful universe, I'll be sending positive vibes to you and your rebel heart.

But don't say I didn't warn you (idiot).

New haircuts

There's no better way to wipe the slate of your shitty life clean than by getting yourself a sweet new 'do. But when Venus is in retrograde, you probably won't be nailing that pixie cut.

You could walk into your stylist's salon with a binder bigger than Mitt Romney's filled with women who showcase perfectly what you want.

By the time you walk out of there, though, you'll be wondering if she was looking at pics of a dog. I'm talking about a dog, like, BEFORE it gets rescued.

And that is a choice you'll have to live with.


Obviously, this is a risky endeavor whether Venus is in retrograde or in the passenger seat of your Chevrolet.

But the truth is, if you're going to fill your face with a toxin to erase the sands of time, you're going to need to wait until Venus speeds the fuck up again.

The universe doesn't screw around, you guys. Do NOT test her on this one.

New clothes

Once, when Venus was in retrograde, I went through a T-shirt dress phase, even though they made me look like I was a teen mom.

I have hilarious pictures that I won't share here because I use them specifically for ritualized self-love practices when I need to forgive myself for things I've done in the past.

Do you want to have to do this, too? Probably not.

Stick with your reliable wardrobe, at least until April 15. Besides, when Venus is in retrograde, money tends to come in slowly.

Experimenting with new makeup

I want to tell you this, and I want you to listen carefully: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO LEARN HOW TO CONTOUR.

You will look like a doll from the 1840s that has been sewn up several times. You are not a Kardashian, and you do not have makeup artists to figure this face witchcraft out for you.

New face masks or skin products

Much like switching from bodega vegetables to Whole Foods, new face products can be a real shock to your system.

When Venus is retrograding, the chances of you screwing with your whole facial chemistry by trying a new mud mask seriously skyrocket.

Stick with Bioré strips, you filthy animals. Stop testing fate!

I know you may think you're above the laws of the universe, and to that I say, "Well, excuse the fuck out of me, Beyoncé."

As much as I do appreciate an independent spirit, I also only want the best for you and your physical facade.

Venus goes direct around April 15. So, whatever you're thinking of doing to alter your perfect appearance, it can wait. I promise!