72 Wild, Ridiculous Thoughts A Girl Has When She's Late On Her Period

by Ashley Fern

There are rare times when a female wishes she had her period.

Actually, scratch that — there is absolutely one time and one time only, and that is when she's late.

A girl might not even have had sex since her last cycle, and her first concern would be that she's pregnant.

I mean, what else are you supposed to think when Aunt Flo is fashionably late for her arrival?

Is this nature's way of f*cking you for that one time you took Plan B? I thought that was the responsible thing to do, but apparently not?

Is this some kind of sick and twisted karma that's going to leave us paranoid for seven to 12 days before the period gods unleash their bloody wrath?

Graphic? Yes, but that's literally what it is...We need our period, and we want our period, but the more we stress over it, the longer the wait will be.

That's actually pretty f*cked up if you sit and think about, but I guess the point is not to sit and think about it. When it comes to being late I'm not sure what we fill our minds with more — rationalizations or affirmations.

So what do these ridiculous, accurate and rampant thoughts look like?

1. I haven't had sex with a guy in six years, but I'm definitely pregnant.

2. Am I pro-choice?

3. My period last month was oddly heavy. Could that be delaying it?

4. Maybe this means I've lost a lot of weight recently.

5. That would be so f*cking awesome.

6. Oh sh*t, maybe it's because I put on weight.

7. When do you tell the guy you're worried?

8. Is it too late for Plan B?

9. Should I down half a pack of birth control pills?

10. Maybe I need someone to love me unconditionally.

11. I wonder whose kid this even could be?

12. Haha wow, what a reality check.

13. Will drinking make me forget?

14. Is that even safe?

15. Do I really care at this point?

16. I've been under a lot of stress recently. That could definitely be it.

17. Do I wait it out another week?

18. Should I just suck it up and get a pregnancy test?

19. That's f*cking terrifying.

20. Should I tell the guy I'm buying one?

21. Does Planned Parenthood take insurance?

22. I've been spending way too much time with girls.

23. If I'm not pregnant, someone I know must be pregnant and is screwing up my period schedule.

24. This is bullsh*t.

25. How can you even sync with another person?

26. Of course, the only time I want to bleed, I can't.


28. Periods are like taxis; when you're looking for them, you never get them.

29. What the actual f*ck is wrong with me?

30. There needs to be a support group for this sh*t.

31. This is the first time I actually wouldn't care if I ruined my underwear.

32. Or my sheets.

33. Or my overly expensive white skinny jeans.

34. Or my comforter.

35. Or my office chair.

36. I'll trade all my unstained clothes for one drop of blood.

37. What's the cheapest pregnancy test I could buy?

38. Umm, $30 is absolutely ridiculous.

39. I guess it's cheaper than the other option.

40. I'll wait it out.

41. But what if I wait it out, and it's too late?

42. But if it's false, then I just wasted 30 f*cking dollars.

43. That's like my food money for the week.

44. Best diet ever?

45. Not if the test is positive...

46. The guy should definitely pay to fix this problem.

47. In addition to the therapy I'm definitely going to need once this is settled.

48. And a shopping spree.

49. I deserve that much.

50. I'm the one who has to go through this.

51. I can't even take care of myself.

52. Or keep a plant alive.

53. RIP love fern.

54. This sucks.

55. I'm never having sex again.

56. Jesus, did I really just say that?

57. Give up sex — Ha!

58. At least it's an excuse to live in my fat pants... not that I really needed one.

59. But seriously — why are pregnancy tests so damn expensive?

60. I guess that's not something you want to take the cheap route on.

61. How am I going to hit a Planned Parenthood to get checked without anyone seeing me?!

62. Thank God I'm not a Kardashian.

63. Maybe I should wait a little. It's probably stress.

64. Wait, what stress? My only other concern is that I'm out of cookie dough.

65. Oh sh*t bikini season is coming up... What the f*ck do I do? I just ordered a $200 bikini online!

66. I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to have my period next week when I have that date.

67. Periods are such c*ckblockers.

68.  I already feel fat — DEFINITELY pregnant.

69. At least this means I can eat whatever I want since pregnant people are allowed to be fat.

70. Please God, I am so sorry for being a THOT. Please, please, please don't make me pregnant. I swear I'll never sleep with a guy on the third date again.

71. No, no sorry, I didn't mean that! I swear I won't sleep with a guy on the FIRST date again — ever.

72. Oh whoa, I just got it... f*ck that plan!

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions, follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.