The person you are when you are sober is quite different than the person you are when you are heavily intoxicated.
Sure, people may claim that it's still "you," but as any blackout aficionado would know, this could not be further from the truth.
Half of the time (who are we kidding, most of the time) you don't even know what the f*ck it is you're doing, thinking or saying when in this inebriated state.
And, unfortunately for you, the way you behave drunkenly will completely contradict any actions you'd do soberly.
Sober you: "I'm going to be so healthy this week. This is my week, I can feel it. I'm going to have a salad made up of kale and lackluster flavor and I can't f*cking wait."
Drunk you: "I can't wait to get to the closest pizza place, rub it all over my body and then get home and order even more food."
Sober you: "I just got paid and really need to learn how to budget because my rent is due next week. I'm going to put the majority of this check into my savings account."
Drunk you: "Shot for you, a shot for you, you're ugly so no shot for you, but hey you over there — I don't even know you, but A SHOT FOR YOU!!!! SHOTS FOR EVERYBODY!!"
Sober you: "One text is fine and if he doesn't answer, so be it -- if he does, great, if not then moving on..."
Drunk you: "I'm just going to send text after text after Snapchat after Facebook poke until I get the response I want."
Looking in the mirror
Sober you: "Well, this is as good as it's going to get, especially since I'm running 30-minutes behind."
Drunk you: "I am the f*cking sh*t... I look better than everyone in this bar... Beyoncé ain't got sh*t on me."
Getting from point A to point B
Sober you: "Hmm, what is the most logical way to get to the bar? And what about to get home? I should definitely split it with the person who lives the closest to me."
Drunk you: "I don't care who is coming home with me, all I know is that I need pizza and I need it right now!!! I don't care if it's 20 minutes out of the way. I NEED IT."
Seeing your ex
Sober you: *Walks the complete opposite direction*
Drunk you: *Belts out this song as loud as humanly possible*
Sober you: "OK, I'm going to plan accordingly so I don't overpack and can avoid checked bag fees. I'm going to only bring one or two options.
Drunk you: "A little bit of this, some of those, I definitely need six pairs of shoes for a three-day vacation. And definitely five different dresses."
Sober you: "Another day, another 20 minutes of productivity wasted in this dreaded shower. I hate this place."
Drunk you: "I'm just going to take a nap right here."
Doing your makeup
Sober you: "OK, I just dropped $80 on this contouring kit, this sh*t better work."
Drunk you: *Smears eyeliner across entire face*
Sober you: "OK, let's take one solid picture before we go out and get real sloppy."
Drunk you: "BUT FIRST, LET ME TAKE A SELFIE."
Speaking with strangers
Sober you: "F*ck off, I'm in a rush!!"
Drunk you: "Do you want to be my new best friend? Good, you don't have a choice anyway."
Sober you: "That is the most vile and unappealing act any two people can take part of. They should get a room."
Drunk you: "Does the bar top double as a bed?"
Debating on bringing a coat out with you
Sober you: "This bar better have coat check or I'm going to be pissed!."
Drunk you: "I don't need a coat, I don't even need sleeves!!!"
Sober you: "This is the best!"
Drunk you: "This is the best!"