70 Thoughts A Girl Has When Bikini Season Is Less Than 60 Days Away

by Ashley Fern

There is nothing more daunting than realizing that despite it being 40 degrees outside, summer is less than 60 days away.

Sure, this may sound far away if you say it like that, but as every girl knows, two months is probably the bare minimum you need to get your ass in shape.

Weeks ago, you could have pushed off that extra spin class, but now you know you need to hop on that bike more than ever.

Even more important is that it's time to reevaluate your diet, which just means bye-bye Fritos and hello fruits and veggies. Sound fun? Not in the slightest.

On the bright side, with the changing of seasons comes an update in wardrobe. Looking at the cup half full, that's almost worth the abrupt change in lifestyle.

Sure, getting into a healthy flow isn't always easy, but it's a hell of a lot easier if you can reward yourself with trendy bathing suits and coverups at the end of the day.

It can't just be me who thinks it's totally worth it if it means an excuse to buy new sh*t.

So as we have internal panic attacks about the upcoming season, what are some of the thoughts that go through our minds?

1. F*ck.

2. Sh*t.

3. Ugh.

4. No way.

5. This has got to be some sort of sick joke.

6. I need to scroll through my Facebook pictures from last summer for some motivation.

7. Jesus Christ, why did I think this was a smart decision?

8. Oh wow, I love that bathing suit, I wonder where it is now.

9. I should definitely go through my bathing suit drawer.

10. I have nothing else to do right now, let's have a fashion show.

11. WTF. Half of this sh*t doesn't fit...

12. OMG I need to start doing two-a-days.

13. How long until MDW?

14. The weather usually sucks around that time, I can probably get away with rocking a cover up.

15. Who am I kidding? These are terrible rationalizations.

16. I'm f*cking starving.

17. Why am I always f*cking starving?

18. Maybe this is my problem.

19. This is definitely my problem.

20. Why can't Sour Patch Kids be healthy?!?!?!?!

21. Should I stop smoking weed?


23. I would never sleep.

24. Or relax.

25. Or tolerate people if I did something as foolish as that.

26. This means I have to start waxing again, doesn't it?

27. I don't have the cash flow or the pain tolerance to deal with that sh*t.

28. If you don't plan that out perfectly, you can be left with some nasty repercussions.

29. Bleh, I can't even think about that right now.

30. At least it'll mean it'll increase my chances of getting laid.

31. OK, so basically, just going to have to start from scratch and buy all new bathing suits.

32. Ha! What am I going to sacrifice for that fund?

33. I guess groceries would make the most sense, right?

34. Absolutely not, I could never give up food, who am I kidding?

35. Bye-bye delivery...

36. I wonder where my first vacation will be!

37. Will I even be able to afford a vacation considering the top part of a bathing suit is upwards of $70 alone?

38. How are you expected to even buy the bottom?

39. Guess my first stop will be a nude beach!

40. I guess that's all the motivation I need to hit the damn gym.

41. Why can't unhealthy food be healthy?

42. I have no issue sustaining a diet of purely Domino's Thin Crust pizza.

43. That sh*t is impressive if you ask me.

44. But noooo, I'll be living the life of a rabbit for the foreseeable future.

45. Bring on the tastelessness!

46. Who was I kidding?

47. I may have had an omelet for breakfast and a salad for lunch, but we all know I'll be inhaling a cheeseburger come dinner time.


49. And a diet coke...

50. I am a walking contradiction.

51. Everyone likes a girl who eats, I don't know why people think otherwise.

52. You need a little some something to hold on to, you know?

53. Why do you think Kim Kardashian has so many Instagram followers?

54. No, it's not because her hair is full of secrets.

55. I wonder if it's because her ass is...

56. Ugh, I wish I had an ass like that.

57. I guess I should do some squats.

58. You know what they say: Don't cry over boys, do some squats and make them wish they still had that ass.

59. Didn't J. Lo once say the key to a great ass is eating white rice?

60. For argument's sake, let's just go with it.

61. OMG, does this mean I have to start cooking?

62. Guess I'll just have to disassemble the fire alarm if I'm even going to attempt that.

63. Sorry neighbors — may the odds be ever in your favor.

64. As long as what I cook is green, it's healthy right?

65. Sh*t, the only bowl full of green stuff in my apartment is the one I smoke before bed every night.

66. So I need to find myself a gym partner, that'll make all of the difference.

67. This way if she bails on me, I can bail on the gym!

68. I guess this means I need a gym membership.

69. OK — enough with the excuses, I've got this.

70. Oh look! Free candy!

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.