Men, we know you think that you are such gems, but there are reasons we use words like "douche bag" and "slob" to describe your gender. And while we do love the masculine things you bring to our relationships (see: cologne, the "V" cut, and scruff), you guys really have a way of effing things up for us.
The mistakes you make are so monumental - and yet, so avoidable - that we've decided it's time to address them. Because we wouldn't want your three-year relationship with the girl you've loved since pre-Match.com to suddenly halt and leave you wondering why. No, we're all for love, life, and the pursuit of long-lasting connections here at Elite Daily Women.
So, without further adieu, we reveal to you the major blunders that will end a relationship and make a bro cry afterwards (don't even pretend like you haven't).
You're Too Comfortable Too Fast
We're not one of the guys. Once you fart in bed, all romance goes out the window. We poop ‘roses’ for years. Keep your gross remarks and gnarly habits in check until at least month ten.
You Can't Let Go Of Your Ex
Oh, your ex wants to go with you to coffee? We're just so glad you told us... Um, no we're not, and why the f*ck are you asking us if you can go? You guys broke up, and unless she became a nun, we will never fully trust the two of you together. So spare us the awkwardness of being backed into a corner and having to play "mean girlfriend." Stop talking to your ex, like yesterday.
Finishing Before We Do
Just because you let us walk in front of you or open our doors doesn't mean you get a pass in bed. Sex is important to us too, and if you pull (out) that stuff on more than one occasion, we're going to think you suck. Plain and simple. And then, we're going to find someone else who cares about our pleasure as much as we do.
You Don't Let Us Wear Certain Things
We didn't get into a relationship so you could tell us what to do. If you want to dictate our clothing choices, then you're in the wrong decade. We're wearing low-cut tops for YOU, not the disgusting guy on the street who just happens to also notice. Grab your balls, stop being insecure, and understand our wardrobe is not meant to offend you.
You Judge Us (Especially When It Comes To Eating)
Tell us not to have a hamburger when we go to In-N-Out Burger, and we'll break up on the spot. Don't judge us for our behaviors, especially when you're the person we're supposed to trust the most. We're crazy enough as it is -- we don't need you making us feeling any crazier!
You Refuse To Go Out
Want to know the number one reason for moving to Splitsville? You've become way too boring. Always wanting to stay in, never wanting to go out to dinner, and sitting on the couch all evening will never be fulfilling. We want to actually do fun activities and experience new things with you -- that's why we agreed to start dating.
You're Jealous And Go Through Our Phones
If you're jealous, then the responsible thing to do is to talk to us about it, so we can reassure you for the hundredth time that we want to be with you. The wrong thing to do is go through our phones, and make a big deal out of nothing when you find a text from our platonic guy friend who's in our grad school class. This just pisses us off, especially because you snooped through our personal items and assumed the worst of us.
Your jealousy is coming from a place of insecurity -- so we'll tell you that you have a monster dick and then we can finally move on.
You Don't Give Enough When It's Important To Us
It's our sister's birthday and guess what -- that means you're coming! Sometimes when we ask you to do things, even though you may not want to, you have to. If you care about us, then you'll care about hurting our feelings when you turn down a ski trip with all of our friends. Ever heard of the expression, “Give a little, take a little”? That's called being in a relationship.
Talking Smack About Our Friends
Especially early on in the dating game, talking negatively about the people we love will be a serious turn-off. If it's a choice between you, the chump we've only known for a few months, and our friends, who we've cherished for years, you're going to lose. And don't even try to instigate an argument between them and us with some insinuating line like, "Are you really mad that Melanie bought that dress before you?" We're just going to pretend we didn't hear you.
We love to hang out with you, but remember that we had friends before you, also. Don't blow up our phones when we're not together. And when we say it's a "Girls Night," we're not going to be that girl who can't go ten minutes without speaking to her boyfriend. Be yourself. We like that person best.