Besides basketball, the most glorious part of second semester in college is the one week when partying and hooking up transcends social scenes and getting good grades: Spring Break.
Something magical happens when we combine tropical settings, low-grade hotels (or a villa if you’re a senior) and spiked guacamole. All inhibitions go out the window, 22-year old girls are making out with barely legal boys, and someone somewhere is puking. Paradise.
For today’s throwback Thursday, we’re taking you back to that very special time in our college careers, Spring Break. Grab some sunscreen (or not, if you want to look like the one douche who thinks he won’t burn), fill up that Yardstick and get ready to relive the fun all over again.
Two Month Countdown: Spring Break Hustlers
From the moment you return back to school in January to start second semester, students are already discussing their spring break options. Acapulco? Puerto Vallarta? Bahamas? There’s always one representative for each group that is deemed the recruiter – his/her job is to persuade as many people as possible to join in on their plans.
Thinking about having a nice quiet time with your family? Think again. These people are like one step up from club promoters (and have probably been in the past) -- they will stop at nothing to get you to sign up for Bianchi Rossi’s Crystal Palace extravaganza or Xtreme Punta Cana party.
Don’t think we’re not onto you, bonafide hustlers, we know that you’re getting a free trip out of this if you get enough people to sign on. And sorry, no matter how hard you push a Fort Lauderdale vacation that sounds like a glorified Disney high school chorus trip, we’re not going.
One Month Countdown: Sorority Girls Going Gym Cray
Even though the girls have been starving themselves since the Frosh fifteen reclaimed their bodies post Freshman year, the ladies really kick it into high gear the month before Spring Break. The gym is suddenly packed with ponytails and the toilets are clogged from vomit (kid you not, true story). Guys are switching from fries to fruit and girls are getting dressing on the side.
You know Spring Break is coming when everyone unassumingly starts drinking a little less in preparation for the debauchery that is about to come. Sorority girls are sizing each other up each morning, literally, determining how many more crunches they need to fake a four-pack. You’ve never been more healthy in your life.
Two Week Countdown: Room Picks!
Do you choose the guy who you know won’t get ass because he’ll be less likely to interfere on your own? Or do you choose the guy who you know will definitely pull major ass because he won’t be in the room as much / the two of you have more opportunities for a gang bang (which most certainly will go down, more on that later)? Ladies – it looks like it’s going to be four of you in that bedroom.
Who is least annoying and who will make you feel better about yourself when it’s time to get in that bikini? Choose carefully, you don’t want to wake up sandwiched between your friend and the random ginger she threw up on.
Day Before: Packing
Did you remember to pack your favorite cutout dress? Who’s volunteering themselves to smuggle the ecstasy and molly across the border (xanax and coke will be no problem once you’re in Mexico)? What about the swimsuit that you already know you’re wearing to the first day party? Cover ups on cover ups! Thirty pairs of sunglasses (you’ll only wear one the entire time, provided you don’t break them)!
Have you ever seen so many hoodies in your life? Standard attire includes leggings, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts and morning glasses. So fetch. Everyone is excited and anticipating what senior boys they’re going to hook up with. Maybe you tried planting the seed the night before at the bar or you’re going to try to lock it down when it’s touchdown, but either way you have a mental list in your mind of all the people you want to try and get with.
The senior boys are prepared to party harder than they did at their Bar Mitzvahs and reserved special villas to ensure they can pass out with a girl without going more than 50 feet from the pool. The senior girls who have the villa are convincing themselves that the sophomore boys are “super cute” and taking pics of themselves tanning and sipping on drinks near the infinity pool is the number one priority.
The Wet T-Shirt Contest
There’s always one contest that gets both the girls and the guys fired up: The Wet T-Shirt Contest. Contestants include: the girl who is too drunk to know she’s even up there and who can’t dance; the one who’s taking it too seriously and really trying hard to be sexy; the party girl who everyone expects to be up there; and the dark horse who no one thought would show her tits but totally goes all the way for it (no surprise she is also the winner).
Everyone is drunk off of crappy piña coladas and sugary drinks as people wade in the pools and run around funneling at the villas. Boobs are bountiful, everyone’s abs are awesome, and living has never been this easy (or enjoyable!).
Look Who Came To The Party! Drugs!
You convinced your friend who’s taking Advanced Spanish 201 to go to El Farmacia for some drogas and are hoping they don’t get shot on the way. In the meantime, you decide the guacamole is definitely spiked with something and will have to do. Hydrating is key because you know you’re going to be doing copious amounts of drugs at the club tonight. Your body has become more toxic than a hazardous waste disposal (but you wouldn’t have it any other way!).
The Gang Bang
No Spring Break is complete without the requisite gang bang that everyone eventually hears about. We’ve heard crazy, crazy stories about the shocking things that go on – but it usually involves one daring young girl and lots of “you’re doing great!” You get the idea.
The Beach Harassers
We waited in line for hours upon arrival to score bracelets that meant our trip was exclusive – why are we getting harassed on the beach to buy ugly sunglasses or tickets for a sketchy club? The cab drivers are already scary, we don’t need bum hustlers offering us more drugs disguised in straw hats. It’s enough that the maids are stealing our stuff as we lie out – at least let us enjoy the time outside.
At least one person is going to the unsanitary hospital that is really a hut on a dirt road with an emergency sign. Someone else has to stay in for the night because of their severe sun poisoning, while another has a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge. One sophomore girl is getting herpes from a senior guy who has already boned 6 other women. Another underclassman is aiming for the senior washed up girl, but having trouble from all the liquor. You’re secretly hoping it isn’t you who gets injured out there. You still have two more days to go and so you promise yourself you’ll be more careful running around the pool.
You’re sad to leave such a wild time, so you carry your pill problem with you back to school; might as well hold on to one part of the trip, since you didn’t buy any souvenirs (save for that shot glass in the airport when you finally remembered that you wanted one). Looking back on this time you understand why everyone says that they “peaked in Pulco.”
When can you do this again? When, in the future, will there ever be another opportunity to party like you just did? As you slowly unpack your things and recuperate from your “vacation” (oh, the irony!) you give yourself a pat on the back for making it out alive. And you’ll always have the resident photographer who somehow captured each and every epic moment.