What Your Favorite Taylor Swift Boyfriend Says About Your Love Life
Every 20-something woman I know has inevitably compared herself to Taylor Swift. And why not?
The multi-platinum pop star captured our hearts with her good-girl style and winning personality. Any girl who can endure a grueling tour schedule, care for multiple cats and still find time to hang out with a her close-knit girl gang is invincible, in my book.
When it comes to the rollercoaster that is Taylor Swift's love life, however, it's been a bumpy ride. Tay's acquired a pretty diverse roster of exes. Throughout the years, we've seen her date boy band hotties, tortured singers, trust fund babies and Oscar nominated actors.
While these guys would be nearly impossible to land in real life, their personalities are not that different from the men each of us knows and has broken up with. Since we all see a bit of ourselves in this modern day diva, let's see how our dating lives reflect that of Taylor Swift.
Joe Jonas is the first love who keeps breaking your heart.
In 2008, then country newbie Taylor Swift found love with boy-bander Joe Jonas.
The way I see it, Jonas is that high school sweetheart who promises you two will last through college then breaks up with you the second he boards the plane to FSU. He still tries (and succeeds) to hook up when you're both home for Christmas.
When Taylor outed Joe for his juvenile phone breakup, he spun the story to make it sound like she was crazy and possessive. Your former flame probably does the same, complaining about your "clingy ways” to his friends in an attempt to come off cool. Despite your better judgment, you still find yourself drunk sexting him after a night out.
Taylor Lautner is the guy you broke up with for being too sweet.
Can we all please go back to December when Taylor and Taylor were still together and went by the acronym T2? This lovable werewolf was exactly what Swift needed back in 2009. Unfortunately, we later found out he was "the nice guy."
He was perfect on paper: cute, had a steady job and an education. Somehow, though, every time he so much as kissed you, you cringed. His laugh annoyed you, he wore the wrong clothes and, whenever you debated having sex with him, you felt nauseous. Of course, the real reason you felt repulsed is because you just weren't that into him.
You let him down gently, probably with a lengthy text where you explained how lucky any other woman would be to have him. He responded by sending roses to your front door, and you left them there to die.
John Mayer is the self-deprecating musician who didn't get why you were so positive.
You know those guys who relate a little too much to Kurt Cobain? This "tortured artist" probably listened to Third Eye Blind's "Slow Motion" in high school and believed the entire world was a hellhole he needed to write songs about.
Still, just like Taylor, you found that pseudo-intellectual bullsh*t sexy. John Mayer is no one's Prince Charming, but he'll write some brooding love song about you and, the next thing you know, he's taken your virginity.
Admit it, you cried in your dress all the way home at least three times. What could you do? The man bun gets you every time.
Conor Kennedy is the trust fund baby with a great summer beach house.
It's entirely possible Taylor liked hanging out poolside with Ethel Kennedy in Cape Cod far more than she enjoyed hooking up with Conor. We've all been known to stick it out for free access to jet skis and margaritas (or, you know, a season pass to the local pool) for an entire summer.
Your boy toy kept you satisfied for a few months, but once September rolled around it was back to real life.
Jake Gyllenhaal is the older man who just couldn't quite relate to you.
When I was 19, I dated a man who was 31. At the time, I convinced myself age was just a number. However, when he talked about his boring financial analyst job and the house he planned to buy, I knew he was adulting at a rapid pace. I was still focused on passing my Communications 101 course.
Jake couldn't keep up with Taylor's youthful, bustling lifestyle. Like Swift, you probably gravitated toward older men because they seemed more mature than guys your age, but the attraction fizzled out.
Harry Styles is the bad boy with a wandering eye.
According to Swift, her love affair with Harry Styles was perfect until she heard he was "hangin' around with other girls."
This particular breed of man is hot and knows all the right things to say. He'll convince you of his honesty, and it will work until the next Instahoe privately messages you details of their hookup.
You gravitated toward this type of guy because you probably like a little drama in you love life. That's all fine and good, just memorize his passwords.
Calvin Harris is the club kid who's never free on weekends.
Calvin Harris (OK, he's not an ex yet) is just like any local DJ you've ever dated, except he makes millions booking gigs in Ibiza. Your guy only ever spun for free drinks.
Harris embodies "bro" culture, showing off his abs and adventures in Vegas on Snapchat. The average Joe version of this guy dropped your plans last minute for a sweet gig and assured you the hoards of girls rushing the stage were part of the job description. In the end, though, it was fun to take selfies in the DJ booth and get your girlfriends free drinks on a Saturday night.
After uncovering the dating DNA of these seven former and current Swift flames, which one of these boys most closely relate to your love life?