Oh men, how you can be so misguided sometimes -- thinking that women don't grow hair all over our bodies or secretly hate when you cook your dried out chicken dinner for us.
We usually keep these things to ourselves not only because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but also because we like to preserve the pedestal you put us on.
In a lot of ways, males and females are not very different -- it's just how we choose to present ourselves to the opposite sex. For today's lesson, we're uncovering all those undisclosed traits that your lady is trying to keep from you (just don't tell her it was us who tipped the news!).
It's time we break down the barriers, open the lines of communication, and let the guys in on some of our deepest, darkest and most classified information.
You've been warned...
Our Actual Weight
Don't ask us either because there's no way we're going to tell you the truth. And if we say we haven't stepped on the scale in a while that means we're actively avoiding it - for a reason.
There's an explanation for why we don't want you accompanying us to the doctor's office and it has everything to do with the "height and weight" portion of the visit. As long as we keep looking great in our skinny jeans, there's no need to share the number. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway...right?
The Number Of Guys We've Slept With
Unless you explicitly deflowered us, the reality is that we've been with other men before you. You don't actually think we got that crazy move from reading "50 Shades of Grey," do you? While it's really no one's business (and honestly, who cares anymore? An arbitrary number shouldn't make or break a person), the discussion often arises early on in the relationship.
If a lady admits to any number higher than 10, it's safe to say she's been with a lot more men than she's letting on. If she keeps it under 10, she's probably telling the truth. Just do us a favor and don't broach the subject -- you're not going to like what you hear regardless, and if you like someone (and their experienced form in bed) it shouldn't matter.
Our Facebook Password
Ya, that's probably never going to happen. We don't even trust our girlfriends with our Facebook password, so we certainly won't trust a dude with it. You already know how much we stalk our exes, no need to know about the random messages they still also send us, or how our inbox is overflowing with notes from other guys too.
And with the recent surge in Facebook chat, there's a lot of personal information exchanged between us and our pals that is meant for our eyes only. Plus, we don't want you sifting through our publicly blocked photos -- they are clearly privatized because we're afraid we look terrible in more than half of them. Browsing a woman's personal Facebook is like reading her diary -- if you go digging for sh*t, you're going to smell it.
The Amount Of Makeup We Wear
The whole point of us applying makeup is so that we look better without guys finding out that we're actually wearing it. Women spend hours in front of the mirror trying to appear as if they haven't. We administer over twenty different products on our features just to look "natural." We're not about to ruin 30 minutes of primping time by telling you how hard it was to put on our faces.
If you like what you see, then we (and our friends over at the Nars counter) did our job well. And truthfully, would you even understand what we're saying when we confess to using primer, foundation, BB cream, stain, highlighters and lashes? We're still not even sure what CC cream is!
How We Feel About Your Mom
The way you're intimidated by our fathers? We feel that way about your mom. Even though we love her for giving birth to you and raising you like a gentlemen, it pretty much ends there.
We don't want to go shopping with her or make her our bestie because frankly, it's exhausting having to be on our best behaviors around her. We're not trying to knock down your mom -- she truly is a great woman -- but we just don't need another vagina that can talk in our lives.
Using The Bathroom
We're going to come right out and say it: every woman makes a doodie, your girl farts all the time (even when you don't smell it!), and after a particularly intense meal, she politely excuses herself, casually strolls to the private bathroom, and gets a big burst of diarrhea. Too graphic? Are you over it now? Good, 'cuz that's all we got to say on that.
We're Faking It
No, we're not talking about orgasms (although that happens as well). We're talking about pretending like we enjoy watching "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" or eating your sausage-and-pasta concoction or talking about the latest Grand Theft Auto game.
Before you get on the defense, understand that we love you, and we are thrilled to fake these things because it makes you happy, but remember this is an article about what we're not telling you.
And what we're not telling you is that your snoring has become an issue and we don't find "Duck Dynasty" funny. We also think the majority of your ties are stupid (sorry, it's very endearing though).
The Real Reason Why We're Upset
Generally speaking, we're not going to share with you the complete story or the truth behind why we're upset. Chances are the explanation is incredibly stupid and embarrassing, and even though we know that, we're not going to give ourselves away.
No, we'd rather attain as much attention from you as we can before we finally concede to feeling better. If it has to do with you, we'll make it seem much worse than it is; if it's a matter between friends, we'll play it down so you don't formulate your own judgments about them. It's still hoes before bros, buddy.
So there isn't any more confusion going forward, and so you can appreciate the amount of time it takes to transform ourselves into Mr. Bigglesworth, here's a list of everything we pluck and shave (please note, this varies for each woman and borderlines on Too Much Information): eyebrows, upper lips, chins, armpits, arms, nipples, happy trail, pubes, assh*les, legs, toes, and of course the hair on our heads.
Dayum, ladies! No wonder why we're 'going long' during the winter. The only person who knows us better than we know ourselves is our Russian waxer at the salon. Like an Eggo Waffle, she sees every nook and cranny.
Female grooming is one of those elusive activities in which you're not quite sure why she's taking forever in the bathroom, but you're too afraid to ask. Do us a solid and don't -- especially because now you already know the answer.
We Like It When Your Friends Like Us
And by "like" we mean "think we're hot." Sorry we're not sorry. Sometimes, we're wearing that outfit because we want your friends to notice and then go back and tell you how pretty we are. You know, just in case you forgot or something. We like it when you get jealous every now and then, and it's even better when it's your spurred by your own kind. It's not meant to hurt you and it's all in harmless fun. Plus, it should make you feel good to know that your buddies approve. It sure as hell makes us feel great.