Things in life rarely go as planned, especially when you head home for Thanksgiving with your lover in tow.
What should be an uninterrupted stream of laughter, light-hearted banter and comfort food quickly becomes an awkward FBI-style interrogation.
We've all been there, girl. All you want to do on Thanksgiving is gobble up mashed potatoes and mac and cheese without judgement.
Unfortunately, a smart girlfriend knows only she can stand as a buffer between her boo and her parents' irritating questions.
For a few choice questions, however, you have to bite your tongue. If things get too heated, your parents might threaten to carve your bae instead of the turkey.
1. "What do you do?"
Besides sit here and listen to you grill him? He works -- something I'm sure he'd rather be doing right now.
2. "When are you two getting married?"
Great question. A better one: "Do we even want to jump the broom?"
I freak out over choosing the perfect Instagram filters, and you want to talk engagement rings? Thank you for scaring me further away from commitment.
3. "Why aren't you eating any meat?"
Maybe because almost every meat causes cancer. Plus, vegans are trending.
No offense to this non-gluten-free turkey you've prepared with a side of tryptophan, though.
4. "Do you always dress like that?"
Actually, yes. Seeing as how I buy him new Henley shirts bi-weekly, he'll probably look the same way at Christmas.
Try your best not to do an encore presentation of these same questions, okay?
5. "Do you always have this much wine at dinner?"
How nice! We're keeping tabs.
Let's tally up the bottles of Merlot you've finished off just in the last three hours, shall we?
6. "When can we expect a grandkid?"
Babies? We're not even screwing without birth control yet.
We'll think about giving you grandkids right around the time you give up on asking this question every holiday.
7. "Do you think you two are sharing a bed in my house?"
No, we're well aware my high school rules apply to our very adult relationship.
Make sure to do my laundry, too, since I'm 14 again.
8. "What are your plans for the future?"
OMG, wait! There are plans other than sex?!
9. "What are your parents doing for the holidays?"
They're probably not harassing anyone about food and finances.
10. "How often do you stay at my daughter's house?"
Breaking news: We practically live together.
I've rearranged my closet to fit his clothes, so we're basically married. Want to rethink that "separate sleeping arrangements" rule?
11. "Are you a football fan?"
Ask that to the season tickets he just bought with our future home mortgage.
When he starts yelling at the TV, don't look at me. I warned you.
12. "Would you like more?"
He might want more eggnog to drown out the memories of this day. But, more stuffing? Please, he's not a dog.