#NoF*cksGiven: 22 Glorious Times When Calories Just Don't Count
Ah, the art of rationalization: If you haven’t mastered this technique, you haven’t really lived. Rationalizing allows you to indulge in otherwise frowned upon behavior.
All you have to do is simply manipulate the situation so it really doesn’t seem that bad after all. The best time for rationalization? Calorie counting.
You all know you want to have a bagel or muffin for breakfast, but you don’t because they are evidently oh-so unhealthy for you. Boo-hoo. Who even has the time to devote to this ridiculous thinking? I mean, when did it become unacceptable to eat?
Don’t fret, there are certain circumstances and situations where the calories you are consuming are non-existent. Sounds too good to be true?
Well, that’s because it probably is. It’s okay, I understand. Thus, I present to you the best rationalizations you could ever hope to make.
1. If it's free
There’s a reason they give out samples at the grocery store. When something is free, you are basically obligated to take it.
How can you refuse free food, let alone free anything? You can’t. Do you know how many others would relish the idea of free food? Tons. There you go, how can you say “no” to that?
2. If no one sees you
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? If it’s 4 pm and I stuff my face with three bags of chips and no one sees, did it ever really happen? Answer? No. Why?
Deny, deny, deny. You are the only witness, so if you claim it didn’t happen, well, I guess it didn’t happen.
3. If the food is actually leftovers
Leftovers are basically a free (#1) meal in and of itself since you already paid for the original meal. These calories don't count because you aren't spending any extra money to ingest them, duh.
4. When you're high
Your stomach is a bottomless pit once you finish that blunt. Half the fun of getting high is indulging in the munchies afterwards. Smoke, eat, smoke and repeat.
The best part is that no one will judge you for all the sh*t you are eating because they are just as high as you are.
5. Watching a movie
How do you expect to sit still for an hour and a half without snacking? I have too much ADD to sit there; I’ll more than likely be high, unable to move, unable to use my phone and I can't eat?
That’s not even possible. What are our mouths supposed to do while our eyes are watching? Bring on the popcorn and, yes, I would like butter with that.
6. If you are on an airplane
There’s virtually nothing to do to pass the time on an airplane other than eat or drink. Everyone knows the more you drink, the more you want to eat.
Plus, if you’re traveling on JetBlue (What other airline would you even be taking in this country, anyway?), you are well aware of the plethora of snacks they have to offer. Bring on the Terra Blue chips, stewardess.
7. On vacation
WOOO VACA! Sure, you probably worked out 24/7 to prepare for your trip, but when you actually arrive, your diet plan is going to hit the fan.
Even if you are eating healthy, chances are you will be making that up in alcohol consumption. Why do people go on vacation? To eat and drink, duh.
8. If it's between the hours of 2 am and 5 am
Chances are, if you are eating during these hours, you are drunk and/or completely obliterated. Sh*t’s about to hit the fan when you’re blacked out and hungry.
The stomach knows no limits at this point. If you don’t even remember eating the calories, then they didn’t happen, right? RIGHT? Right.
9. Out to dinner with your boyfriend
Finally, you can say “yes” to the dessert you’ve been preventing yourself from eating for weeks. That NY-style cheesecake isn’t just on the menu; it’s on your plate.
Rationalization: You’re splitting it with your date. #Winning! If your guy is taking you out to dinner, take advantage of this free meal and order whatever you want.
10. If it's at family dinner
If you're a post-grad then you are more than well aware of what family dinner now means: a breather for your wallet. You can't really afford lavish meals so you have to take full advantage when your family takes you out to eat.
The best is when they even go so far as to tell you to order another dish to take home. Isn't that really what family is all about?
11. If the fridge door is still open
You know that cold food that’s supposed to be hot, but you’re just standing in front of the refrigerator taking some bites? Don’t worry, those calories don’t count.
12. When someone is eating around you
It’s okay that you just had dinner by yourself, but if your roommate comes home and orders food, hop on the bandwagon!
It’s okay to have two meals, especially if your roommate doesn’t know you already ate. Just pretend you're as starving as he or she is. It’s okay, we’ve all done it.
13. The entire season of winter
It's totally fine to eat whatever you want during the winter time because you're the only one who is seeing you sans clothing (well, maybe your boyfriend, but that doesn't apply to everyone).
You can work off those extra pounds between March and April to make sure you're good for summer. You justify the fact that you need food to keep you extra warm... extra layers… fat layers. That's how it works, right?
14. The day after spring break
This is more than an excuse to eat, since you definitely spent ample amounts of time dieting before your departure.
While you were on spring break, the only thing you were probably ingesting were tequila and Advil. You have pounds to make up for! Therefore, stuffing your face the day you return is the best option.
15. After having sex
You feel as if you just burned a ton of calories (Even though you probably didn't, it's cardio, right?); therefore, you deserve a reward. The boy has finally left, so now you can indulge in that celebratory meal you've been thinking about since that climax.
16. When you're hungover
The only way to cure a massive hangover is to smoke endless amounts of weed and eat endless amounts of food; it's a scientific fact. In this instance, doesn't the food count as a medical cure? Medicine doesn't have calories, and therefore, neither do these three grilled cheese sandwiches.
17. When Seamless is having a special
It's just rude not to take them up on their offer. I mean, you're being economical, right? Seamless is basically just asking you to order from them by giving you this awesome gift, and it's just f*cked up to refuse a gift.
18. On Sundays
Chances are, you are hungover (#16), so that gives you double the excuse to eat whatever the hell you want. Sundays are our favorite days, our lazy days, our cheat days and the day we are definitely not getting out of bed. The only thing better than a Seamless special is ordering Seamless from bed.
19. Thanksgiving Any holiday
Holidays are the best excuse to deviate from our diets. Why? The calories don't count when you're being festive, duh!
This encompasses #3 (leftovers) and #10 (family dinner), which basically just gives you a hall pass on your healthy lifestyle for the evening. #Winning -- always.
20. When you're on your period
Give me chocolate or give me death! Food is the only comfort you need during this terrible time of the month, and guess what? It almost makes the unbearable pain worth it.
You have endless excuses to eat whatever the hell it is you want without having to feel guilty afterwards. If you feel fat the next day, blame it on the bloat.
21. If you're mourning a breakup
You can't properly mourn a breakup if you are not stuffing your face with a variety of snacks. How are you expected to move on if you can't indulge in every craving? Exactly, now pass the chips and salsa.
22. If it's your birthday
Or your friend's birthday… or your roommate's birthday, or your Grandma's birthday, or anyone's birthday. Nothing counts on birthdays -- nothing! Also, doesn't this count as a holiday (#19)?
Bonus: If you throw them up
Just kidding, don't do this.