What Millennial Women Actually Want For Christmas
With Thanksgiving behind us, it's time to look forward to the most wonderful time of year: Christmas!
Like any good Millennial, I have a few select items I would love to see wrapped and ribboned up under the tree on the morning of December 25 (mainly due to the fact my wallet would feel better not splurging on things that aren't, you know, groceries.)
That being said, there are numerous things our parents, friends and significant others, unfortunately, can't buy us.
Here are just a few of those things that would make our hearts beat faster and our eyes glaze over:
1. A Tinder date that doesn't end up with ghosting, terrible sex or awkward conversations.
Does anyone in real life have actual success with online dating?! Those people don't actually exist, do they?
2. No judgement in the eyes of the pizza delivery man when he brings your order to the door for the third time that week.
Yes, Steve, I AM wearing the same sweatpants as the other day. Stop looking at the stains, and take your tip.
3. Happy hour prices that last all night.
Two-for-one at 9 pm? Count me in (and drunk). I'm buyin'!
4. A stand-in to attend the countless weddings you have scheduled next year you really don't want to go to.
Let's see, I'm a bridesmaid in two out of the nine... so I guess those aren't exactly events I can skip...
5. The metabolism of college you, and/or permanent Spanx.
Remember last week when you had pizza three times? Where is the gym again?
6. Or maybe just all your favorite things to be calorie-free.
Wine, cheese, chocolate... I could go on for days.
7. While we're at it, the hangover recovery rate of college you.
Damn those happy hour all-night prices! Still worth it.
8. Just one day where you're allowed to say anything you want to your boss/co-workers without fear of repercussions.
No, I don't want to hear about your seven kids and the shenanigans you got into last weekend, Carol.
Fuck off, Brad. I'll bring it to you when it's finished, which would be sooner if you quit talking (aka yelling) in my face with your horrendous coffee breath.
9. The time for a nap. Or two. Or 10.
The couch at your parents' place after presents have been opened will have to do (assuming your cousins leave you alone long enough).
10. All your student loans completely paid off.
Let's be real: A unicorn will fly in and take me away to a magical kingdom full of male models giving me free designer clothes before that will happen.
11. A job you love with a salary to match.
And look, I already have the necessary experience! I think these are as rare as the aforementioned unicorn.
12. A nice apartment you can actually afford in a neighborhood that doesn't feel like someone was murdered there.
There's just a small, casual drug ring on the floor above you, but look at all the light from those windows! And the hardwood floors!
13. Immortality for puppies.
They're so cute and fluffy forever!!!!
14. The chance to see your favorite band/artist/performance/group in its original form.
Front row tickets to see the original cast of "Hamilton," please!
15. To never need Botox.
Yeah, yeah, laugh lines give you character. But when I'm single at 50, I need to not look like the cougar I plan on being.
16. Perfectly winged eyeliner that matches on the first try.
Gentlemen, be glad you don't have to deal with this real-life struggle. This is the reason behind approximately 90 percent of the incidents in which your girlfriend is running late.
17. The ability to download any knowledge you want instantly.
I don't mean like a search on your phone... I mean, like, downloading info right into your brain. That would literally make my life so much easier.
18. An extra day to the weekend that is solely dedicated to couch sitting and Netflix binging.
Chores and other productive, responsible things are not allowed. Your step count for the day should be basically nonexistent.
19. For people to not be such douchebags to other people.
This is basically the non-cheesy equivalent of saying "world peace." Can we be done with all the sexist, racist, homophobic, discriminatory bullshit now, please?
20. The holiday feeling to last all year long.
There had to be a couple stereotypical things on here, right? Let's all agree to be generous and loving and jolly from now until next Christmas, OK? Is that really too much to ask?!
So, there you go, Santa. There's my list. A girl can dream.